My Doctor in White Armor

Dear Doc, Hi Doc, you know what, ever since I wanted to be dead. That's my only wish. If that happens maybe somewhat I'll be free and happy. I'm not sure but I'm so sure that I just can't live in this world. It's like its hard to breathe. Well, I become happy in a split of seconds after that sadness and loneliness will devour me. I know that's life but I thought this is unfair. I'm so sad. I know He saw and heard my cries every single night. I just can't help it. I can't stop my tears from flowing by. I feel so alone. Am I depressed Doc? Or I'm just overthinking? Sometimes I just want to have that someone who could cheer me up. Someone who could tell me that it's okay, everything's gonna be okay. Someone who'll ask if how I'm doing. Someone who will stay by my side even if I did something terrible. Someone who made me feel that I am not worthless that I am enough to. I wanted to have that Doc. But life is so unfair or I'm just rushing things? I know He has plan for me but I can't just sit here. Maybe I'm rushing things. I only wanted to be dead at night Doc while I'm sleeping that would be peaceful. Writing and reading can help but not enough though. I feel jealous, I overthink always. I just wanted to be the characters that I wrote , I want to live a life of what I am writing. I want to have an easy life but I know life is not like that... That's why I'm giving up now Doc. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I just wanted to be breathless now. I want to make some cuts in my wrist right now but I'm afraid to Him being mad at me. Help me Doc. Please.