From Behind that Locked Door

Chapter 1It never would have occurred to Jay to take advantage of the athletic facilities on campus in order to exercise or work out. That was something athletes did. The people who used the pool, the weight rooms, the track et cetera were serious about being fit and invested in their health. Jay was just grateful that he was finished with physical education after high school, feeling a rush of relief every time he registered for classes and didn’t register for math or PE. If asked, he probably would have claimed that only athletes were allowed to use the facilities, and that a regular student like him wouldn’t even be welcome. It came as a great shock to him when he learned Stephen visited the facilities five times a week, and further, that it was free to all students including graduate students like Jay. His other assumptions weren’t far off the mark. He showed the nice girl at the front desk his student ID card, signed in to get a key for the locker room, and tried to act like he belonged there. Nobody stared openly, but Jay still felt as though they might start doing so at any second. He locked himself in one of the toilet stalls to change into his sweats and T-shirt, awkwardly maneuvering in the tiny square of space, banging his elbows against the walls twice. By the time he emerged, he felt flushed and oafish and he just wanted to go home. It was all he could do to keep his gaze averted from the fine specimens surrounding him—football players and basketball players and swimmers with their toned, perfect bodies that Jay yearned for. Every damned one of them was so beautiful, like Roman sculptures brought to life. When he emerged from the locker room, he realized the major flaw in his plan. Stephen was somewhere in the complex, but he had no idea where to start looking. He didn’t want to look like he was searching for somebody, even though he was only there for one reason. Fortunately, the stationary bikes were near the locker room entrance, and he reasoned if he stayed there, he was bound to see Stephen sooner or later. Not that he was eager to perch his nearly three hundred pounds on a narrow bicycle seat for the next hour. But he knew from the beginning this wouldn’t be a pleasant experience for him. He’d gone too far to back out now. The first five minutes weren’t so bad. Scanning the large room for Stephen took most of his attention while his legs pumped in a steady, somewhat quick rhythm. The second five minutes dragged by at a considerably slower rate, his heart pumping louder by the second. By the time fifteen minutes had passed, his vision was blurry, he couldn’t get enough oxygen no matter how hard he breathed, and he was pretty sure he was going to die. Jay imagined himself keeling off the bike, his heart exploding like an overfilled water balloon, his face frozen in a final expression of horror as understanding engulfed him a second before he gave up the ghost. The beautiful people in the gym would continue to file past him, unaware that the huge man at their feet was dead rather than just lying down for a quick rest. He’d probably just lay there until the cleaning people arrived. If anybody did notice he was missing, they’d never think to contact the gym, and so his body would go unclaimed and buried in an anonymous grave somewhere. Well, he probably wasn’t going to be buried in an anonymous grave, but everything else up to that point could easily happen. And all because the thought of seeing Stephen for a few extra minutes a day intoxicated him so much he’d put that possibility ahead of his own common sense. It was common sense that big fat lazy people didn’t belong on a tiny stationary bike in front of collegiate gods. It was unbecoming and dangerous. Not to mention foolish. What did he think was going to happen? Stephen would see him huffing and puffing away on a bike, sweating through his shirt, and become instantly enamored with him? He nearly panicked at the thought of Stephen seeing him in such a state. He couldn’t even try to tell himself that if Stephen were there, he might not even notice Jay. Jay was a big guy near the locker room—Stephen would notice him. Oh God, what have I done? Jay stopped peddling and rested his head against his arm, struggling to catch his breath. As soon as he got a decent amount of oxygen, he would return to the locker room, change his clothes, and leave before Stephen even saw him. The plan was stupid, but it wasn’t catastrophic quite yet. He’d just have to be happy with the two hours every day that their schedules overlapped and nip this vaguely stalkerish behavior right in the bud. “Jay?” Jay looked up sharply and smiled. Or tried to smile, since he was too mortified and exhausted to make his face work properly. “Stephen. Hi.” “Hi.” Stephen gave him a questioning look. “I haven’t seen you around here before.” “No, no, I…I just started this week because of my new diet.” Jay mentally kicked himself for mentioning the D-word. His friends, all girls, always admired him when he decided to commit himself to a healthier lifestyle. Somehow, it never really impressed the boys he liked. “Oh, that’s great. Have you signed up for any of the classes here?” Classes? That sounded like Phys Ed. Alarm bells instantly began to sound as the part of Jay dedicated to self-preservation encouraged him to remove himself from the situation. “No, I didn’t know they offered any.” “Yeah. They’re taught by volunteers. They’re basically designed to help introduce people to all the options here. I took them when I first started.” Jay nodded. “That sounds interesting. I’ll look into it.” “Cool. So are you just getting started?” “I was about to call it good for the day, actually.” Jay made a show of checking his watch. “Man, has it been forty-five minutes already? I guess time flies when you’re having fun. You?” “I’m on the way to the track for a couple laps to cool down. Do you want come with? I usually don’t feel like I’m done unless I have a good run.” Just the image of himself chasing Stephen around the track was almost too much to bear. He’d be doubled over in pain after half a lap, and Stephen would leave him behind with a disgusted shake of his head. “Maybe next time. I’ve got an appointment at six. So I should just hit the showers.” “Yeah. Hey, I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Yep. Have a good night.” Jay managed to keep from collapsing until Stephen was several feet away, though the weakness in his legs had nothing to do with his ill-advised attempt to ride the damned bike. Stephen was gorgeous in an impossible sort of way, more handsome than pretty, his body toned, his eyes the deepest shade of blue. Jay had fallen in love with him the moment they met, knowing it was shallow to be in love with somebody just because they were the fairest in all the land, but not caring. Stephen was also funny and intelligent, quick witted and warm-hearted. In the month since the semester started and Stephen began working as the GLBT Center director, Jay’s feelings had only grown stronger, until he realized, much to his horror, that he really did love Stephen. He always fell for the ones he couldn’t have. It was a sickness with him. * * * * Jay passed on the gym the next day, and he would have quietly refused to go on Wednesday, too, but Stephen casually mentioned that he hadn’t seen Jay during circuit training. Jay blurted something about taking a day off, and things might have been fine with that, but Stephen asked him if he planned to be there that evening and added, “Maybe we can warm up together.” So what choice did Jay have but to drive home, get his gym clothes, and go through the whole embarrassing process of changing and preparing for an hour of torture? Just the sight of the narrow bicycle seat made his ass cramp. But he wasn’t familiar enough with the other equipment to even consider doing something else. He’d blow out his knee or tear a muscle in his back or have a hernia. Jay wasn’t sure how or why these things would happen, but it was too easy to imagine himself rolling on the floor in terrible pain while Stephen looked on with bewildered concern. A hand clapped him on the shoulder. “There you are.” Jay jumped slightly and turned around. “Yeah, here I am. Have you been here a while?” “No, just starting. You gonna warm up on the bike?” Stephen was still touching his shoulder, and standing just a little too close. It was all Jay could do not to lean into him and seek out more of his warmth. “That was the plan.” “Great.” He nudged Jay toward the loathsome bike before mounting the one on the left. His shorts rode up on his legs a little, giving Jay the slightest hint of his thigh. He had an even tan over his toned calves and above his knees. Was he that tanned everywhere? His chest and back must have been. He probably spent all summer hiking and biking and mountain climbing. In fact, he probably moved to Utah to pursue his interest in those rugged, outdoor activities. “I’m really glad you’re working out, too,” Stephen commented after five minutes, his voice and breathing even, as though he was just sitting in the chair and watching Jay. Jay, on the other hand, was huffing in the most undignified way. “Oh?” Jay puffed out. “Yeah, I always worked out with friends when I lived in Phoenix. But I’ve just been going to the gym for the past month by myself. It’s nice to have somebody to talk to.” Jay knew that Stephen was only stating the desire for somebody to keep him company during his daily workout and that he wasn’t saying he wanted Jay there specifically, but it still made his chest tingle pleasantly. Or maybe that was the oncoming heart attack. It was difficult to tell while his muscles were screaming at him to get the f**k off the bike and stop this insanity. “You miss Phoenix?” Stephen let go of the handle bars and sat back a little, his powerful legs still pumping away. “I’ve been too busy to get homesick. But I bet once the snow starts, I’ll probably miss it.” “The first winter is always the hardest,” Jay managed, watching as his miles per hour dropped steadily. He certainly couldn’t keep up with Stephen’s pace, and he probably shouldn’t even try. Not if he wanted to avoid the worst case scenario. “I’m hoping it won’t be too bad.” Jay snorted. “No, it will be. January is the worst. It never snows, it just gets colder and colder, until you wish it would snow.” Stephen grimaced. “That bad? When I was interviewing, everybody assured me Salt Lake didn’t get as much snow as the mountains.” “It doesn’t. They weren’t lying, just not giving you the full truth. But I’m sure you’ll be fine.” “I am excited about learning how to ski. I’ve always wanted to.” “They usually have good deals for locals.” “Do you ski?” “Me? Oh no. No, I’m not a skier.” “I thought everybody around here knew how to ski.” “Everybody but me, I guess.” “Maybe we can learn together.” “Maybe,” Jay said, with no intention of ever putting himself on two narrow slabs of wood and throwing his body down a mountain. Skiing had a long tradition in Park City. The miners used to get down the mountain that way when it was time to exchange all their silver for booze and whores. That was the only time it made sense to Jay to do something so foolhardy. If he ever found himself stranded at the top of a mountain, he’d consider it. But only then. “Fifteen minutes,” Stephen announced. “Ready to move on?” “I…you go on ahead without me.” “No, come on. We can spot each other.” “I don’t really know how to do weight lifting.” “I’ll show you.” What was he supposed to do? Tell Stephen no? Pass up on the opportunity to spend the next hour with him? Stephen was the only reason he was there and this was working out better than he could have ever hoped in his wildest dreams. He didn’t even dare to fantasize that Stephen would invite him to work out with him. Yes, it would be embarrassing, especially when Stephen was presented with proof of just how out of shape and disgusting Jay was, but it wasn’t like he ever had a chance with Stephen anyway. “Thanks. I don’t want to infringe on your time, though.” “No, don’t worry about it. Come on, we’ll start with one of the machines. That’s easier than the free weights.” Jay smiled as much as he could and followed Stephen to the closest weight machine. * * * * Stephen was waiting for him outside the locker room on Friday. At the reception desk. When Jay saw him standing there, he nearly turned right back around and walked out. He wasn’t opposed to working out with Stephen—and spotting with the weights was a surprisingly wonderful bonus—but he did not want to change in front of Stephen. He didn’t even want Stephen to change in front of him. Getting an eyeful of Stephen’s gorgeous body would only fuel his pointless fantasies whilst reminding him of how pointless they actually were. “Great timing,” Stephen greeted. “Here.” He held out the pen to Jay so he could sign out a locker, and Jay had no choice but to accept it. “Yeah, that was pretty good timing.” “We should just walk over here together after work. I was worried I’d miss you.” Jay signed his name, picked up his locker key, and let the comment pass over him. Stephen was just being friendly. His only option was to change in the tiny bathroom stall again, so he did, and then waited a few minutes after he was done to make sure Stephen would be finished and out of the locker room. “You feeling Wednesday’s workout?” Stephen asked as Jay stiffly approached the bikes. “Yeah, a bit.” “It’ll be like that for the first few weeks, but it gets better.” Jay tried to imagine himself doing this until his muscles stopped aching and cramping. Or maybe even getting to the point that he enjoyed his regular visits to the gym. But that seemed as far beyond the realm of possibility as dating Stephen. “That’s what I’m counting on,” Jay said gamely. “So you’ve lived in Salt Lake for a while, haven’t you?” Stephen asked. “My whole life.” “What’s there to do around here on the weekends? I haven’t really had the chance to check out the night life since I moved here.” Why are you asking me? Jay could give him a good idea of where to start, but he was probably the least qualified person to answer. Especially since Stephen spent his entire day surrounded by people with actual lives. Most of the people who spent time at the GLBT Center went out every Friday and Saturday night. “There are a couple good clubs in town. There are usually some good bands playing, too. The Tower has a midnight movie every weekend. They play some good horror movies in October.” “I was thinking of going out tonight. It’s been that kind of week, you know?” Jay nodded. There had been some dispute with the university over the budget. He didn’t know the specifics since he was only a volunteer, but Stephen had been neck deep in it. April, the previous director, would have been going crazy by then, but Stephen had managed to keep his cool. “Rhys goes to Pure every Friday night. You should text him.” “Is that where all the kids go?” “I think it’s all ages, yeah.” “I usually like a slightly older crowd.” “Club Edge is pretty good. Or it used to be. I haven’t really gone out much since I started grad school.” “Really? You don’t go just to blow off some steam?” “I have too much work to do. I’ve got to grade papers tonight so I can spend all day tomorrow reading Ovid.” “When do you get a break? Sunday?” “Nope. Got a paper to write on Sunday.” “Then it’s back to the grindstone on Monday?” “Yep.” “I don’t know how you do it.” “It isn’t easy,” Jay admitted. “But it’s supposed to be hard, or else everybody would have a Master’s degree, you know?” “You plan to get a doctorate, too?” “If the Masters doesn’t kill me.” Stephen laughed, but Jay wasn’t joking. Undergrad had been a breeze, but the relentless drag of academia was starting to wear him down. He was certain he’d have an ulcer by his twenty-fifth birthday. He wished he could go out like Stephen suggested. Just grabbing a pint of beer or sitting through a movie would probably be a good idea, but there was nothing more depressing than going out for a pint alone except for buying a single movie ticket. At least studying was meant to be a solitary activity. “I really considered graduate school. I still might go some day. But I wanted a chance to live in the real world for a while.” “Then why did you get a job on campus?” “This was too good of an opportunity to pass up. It’s not every day that you get the chance to work somewhere great doing something that matters.” He could tell Stephen really meant that. He felt that weird fluttering in his chest that he was coming to associate with Stephen instead of what Jay felt was his inevitable heart attack. “That’s fifteen.” Jay blinked in surprised and double-checked his watch. It was actually sixteen minutes. How had the time gone by so quickly? He felt winded, but not quite like he was dying. His legs didn’t feel like rubber, either. “How did you like our set on Wednesday? Did that work for you?” “It worked fine.” As far as Jay knew. It wasn’t like he had anything to compare it against. He’d felt like death when he was finished, so it’d probably been a great set. “Okay. But if you don’t like something or you want to try something else, be sure to let me know.” Jay smiled a little. “Thanks. I will.” Stephen returned his smile before setting the proper weight on Jay’s machine. That smile made all the hard work worth it. It was true that every muscle in his body strenuously objected to his new workout, but what did that matter when he got Stephen to himself for three hours a week? “Do you know Auggie Lambert?” Stephen asked while Jay worked through his ten reps of chest presses. “Yeah. He’s a senior this year. Why?” “I was just wondering. He’s in the Center a lot, isn’t he?” “He is. I have his number because we were both on the same committee last semester. Do you want it?” “I don’t think I should.” “Why not?” “It’s probably not a good idea to get involved with the students. Especially not the undergrads.” “If it’s an age thing, I think he’s older than you.” “It’s not. Not just that. I mean, you don’t think it’d be a problem?” Jay shrugged. “I don’t see why it would be. He’s a really nice guy, too. And I think you’re his type.” Stephen snorted. “I’m everybody’s type.” It could have sounded arrogant and obnoxious, but Jay knew exactly what Stephen meant. He was like the gay ideal from head to toe. Falling in love with a guy like Stephen was completely stereotypical, and Jay did feel a vague sense of guilt for being so damned predictable. “Well, true, but I do think you and Auggie would hit it off. He might even be going out to Edge tonight.” Stephen shrugged. “Maybe I’ll go around there tonight. Why don’t you?” “Why don’t I what? Go to Edge? Like I said, I’m grading tonight.” Beyond that, the only thing Jay found more unpleasant and unnatural than the gym was a club. Working out left him exhausted and sore, but still it wasn’t worse than the ego-bruising, soul-crushing experience that was the gay bar. His skinny, athletic, hot friends always had a great time buying each other drinks and drunkenly hooking up after the dancing was over. There was no room in the club culture for a guy like him, and unfortunately, that was the extent of the gay culture in Utah. At least for the under-thirty set. “And like I said, you need to give yourself a break every once in a while.” “I will.” “When?” “During winter break.” “That doesn’t count.” “It’ll have to because that’s when I’ll have some free time to myself.” “That’s fine. I’ll just find a way to coax you out. Maybe there’s somebody at the Center I could use for bait?” His face was already flushed from the workout, so Stephen probably didn’t notice the way Jay blushed at his comment. “I don’t even have the time to have a crush on anybody.” “You really are devoted to school.” “Believe it or not, I used to be a much bigger nerd than this. I was actually King of the Nerds in high school.” “Then it’s a good thing we didn’t go to the same high school. You might have had a rival for the crown.” “You were a nerd?” Jay asked skeptically, moving to spot Stephen as he benched one hundred and fifty pounds. “I find that hard to believe.” “I guess you could say I was a bit of a late bloomer. I didn’t start going to the gym regularly until my junior year in college. Before that I was all pale and scrawny. I even had these big thick glasses because my mom wouldn’t let me have contacts.” Stephen easily lifted the weights overhead ten times before Jay took the bar from him and replaced it on the stand. “Are you sure you weren’t a jock?” Stephen chuckled. “Yeah, I’m sure. Do you know many jocks who had a perfect GPA?” “I don’t know many jocks in general, to be honest. So if it wasn’t sports, what got you working out?” “Honestly?” Stephen adjusted himself on the bench and grinned up at Jay. “I wanted to get laid. I think that’s why guys do anything.” “That sounds about right.” Was Stephen on to him? Had he been too obvious with his interest? If so, it wasn’t necessarily the end of the world. Stephen could just be trying to tell him I know why you’re here and that’s cool but I’m more interested in guys like Auggie. That was fair. He no doubt figured Jay deserved to know where he stood. “I guess it must have worked.” “I can’t even believe how much of a difference it made. When I start feeling lazy and I want to skip a week, I just remember the dry spell that lasted until I was twenty-one. That keeps me motivated.” Jay laughed without humor. Twenty-one wasn’t so bad. Jay was going to be a twenty-five year old virgin with ulcers. But weight training had worked for Stephen—who was naturally handsome and lovely and wonderful. Even so, exercising certainly couldn’t hurt his chances of finding somebody to f**k before he died.