Aamin Ba Ako?

CHAPTER 2

I became stoic after hearing Jin's question. Tanging pagtitig na lang ang nagawa ko sa kanya. Wala ni isang salita ang gustong lumabas galing sa bibig ko.

That maybe why Jin suddenly looked down as if he's being tortured, and then put his gaze back on me. His adams apple moved because of his deep gulp.

He then shakes his head consecutively, "Hindi 'ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon ikaw pa rin ang gusto ko. Ikaw pa rin ang mahal ko, at kung bakit hanggang ngayon nag aalala pa rin ako sayo. Kung bakit ngayon hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang isipin ka." He uttered, before pausing a bit.

The tears started to form in my eyes once again. I want to cry hard while hearing him say those words. He sounds so in pain! He sound so hurt.

I want to tell him what I feel, I want to answer him, but I can't open up my mouth to talk. I...can't.

And I guess, he mistook that as an answer from me. So, he continued talking.

"Pero isa lang ang sigurado ako, ngayon ko na balak tapusin lahat. Tatanggapin 'ko nang wala nang pag asa na maging tayo. Ito na 'yung huling beses na sasabihin ko sayo 'to, Minahal kita Zenaiah, pero sinayang mo lang lahat 'yun. Siguro nga hindi tayo ang nakatadhana. Siguro nga dumating ka lang sa buhay ko para pagmukhain akong tanga kakahintay sa taong wala namang balak na paghintayin ako." He continued that made my tears fell, "Tama ka naman e, I'm such a pathetic man who is still loving you kahit alam 'kong walang pag asa. But, maybe this is the time for me to start again? To forget you and love someone else. I'm happy that you became a part of my life. Thank you for hurting me, dahil 'dun, natuto ako. Na hindi lahat ng bagay makukuha 'mo." He paused once more before looking down and bit his lower lip.

I also looked down, and closed my eyes hard to force myself to cry silently. I heard Jin inhaled deeply, before clearing his throat.

"Thank you for everything, and to all the memories and realizations, Zeniah. Goodbye." He said and after that, he let go of my hands, and started walking away again from me.

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang sundan sya ng tingin habang patuloy na pumapatak ang luha mula sa mga mata ko.

Gusto 'ko syang pigilan pero di 'ko magawa.

I badly want to tell him how I feel, to make him know that I am feeling something for him, that it also hurt me like hell seeing him in pain and while walking away from me.

But I don't know why I can't voice it out.

Is it my pride prohibiting me to talk and stop him?

Is it my pride that's disabling me to tell him what I feel?

Again, I looked down, and there...I cried hard.

Because realization of what happened actually dawned on me.

Its the realization that...

I already lost him. I already lost the chance to make it up for him. Because I am sure enough, that this is the last chance...

Yet I let it slip away again.