Demons within: the day I wish my mom would of said no
1759 Words
so the first 12. years I couldn't tell you what happen because for some reason I blocked my child hood out but from 12 to 15 I was a handful to my mom and dad I would sneak out and go hang out with my sister and just go hang out with friends but the one thing I never did was pick up any drugs, I mean yes I did drink wine cooler or something like that and I even steal my mom and dad smokes but nothing more, I would look down on people that use and I see people doing it to me now and it hurts cuz you don't understand why somebody it's like the way they are at the moment where that person is homeless why that people used. so at the age 15 ask my mom if I can cover it to my best friend's house she's kind of iffy because her mom was always at work but I let her know that she was there she didn't have to work that night and her brother was out at his friend's house so he wasn't going to be their as well what she didn't know The mom went out of town in brother was throwing a party there that night she told me yes and I was so happy at the time I heard having got dressed and calls her she told me to be ready and be down the street in 15 minutes and they're coming to get me, I couldn't even wait for the 15 minutes I ran out there instead of there seem like an hour they showed up I get in, I look at my best friend and I could tell she's already drink she told me to take this drink I said okay didn't know what it was but I knew it was a shot of something today it's one of my favorite drinks but tastes like water to me 1800 I just took drink after drink by the time I got to the house I couldn't see like I said before I might drink wine every now and then but never did hard alcohol so because she was already wasted too but I was so dizzy she told me that she's going to have her brother help me to go lay down sober up I've known them for years so I didn't think I had anything to worry about He's helping me in the house we walk by his friend and he has his friend to help him because I was stumbling so bad his friend says no problem and I start walking with me but for some reason something made me start feeling like something was going to happen and seeing my family were all empaths I actually have it more than my other family members but I can fill the people's emotions feelings into feelings were not good feelings so I sobered up really fast and I said I'm okay guys go ahead and go her brother said okay but the friend told me no we helped you and now you have to help us I looked at him like he was crazy but you talking about I'm like your guys's sister why would you talk to me like this you always start time and our energy at this party You're going to help us with what we need help with and then I looked at her brother started to cry he's a confused and lost but it's like you wanted to fit in so he thinks I never said so let's plan and he told him he was going to grab my hands take his turn first then he can so did you do that her brother covers so I can't yell so I'm just there crying and asking to myself why why me as I'm looking at her brother he must have read my mind or something because his look just changed Yes himself why I'm self I think and you couldn't do it anymore he told his friend he couldn't do it so he jumped off of me but at that time I was so tired of fighting I had no energy left to fight off his friend so I ask God please please take it away take this feeling away so I won't feel at that moment everything went away it's like I went to a different universe I thought feeling it's like I could cut off the motion of i*********e cuz it hurts so bad and to this day I still know how to do that but after he was done he just left at me and told me I don't need to say anything to anybody if I don't want anything to happen I blow them off cuz I was going to run into my best friend but her brother stopped me and told me she ain't going to believe you and you're going to lose somebody The only true friend you have why would you do you deserve that he said you wouldn't have been drinking like that and been hanging around older people if you didn't want that he said so stop playing get over it it ain't nothing he said. I started to cry and ran past him ran past a few people pushing them away try to get to my best friend I did finally get to her and she was so drunk I can't even understand anything that came under her mouth so I knew anything I was told her she wouldn't have even remembered the next day so I told her I was just going to leave I was going home I told her I got a ride which I didn't it was raining and everything but I didn't care I ran home and just think how long it took if it was a 15 minute drive how long do you think it's to walk and run at that time I didn't care I just wanted to go home and take a shower and go to bed and wake up the act like it never happened and that's pretty much what I did kind of I never told anyone about it I told my self what he told me basically I deserved it and I never told my friends but I also could never be around her again so either way I lost my friend My best friend she never understood why I wouldn't answer her calls and I know I hurt her cuz we both could talk to each other by do you think that everything and then just one day I stopped talking to her I couldn't even spit the words out I was ashamed mad at myself lost confused so I thought maybe if I didn't talk about it it didn't happen but that didn't happen I thought about it everyday but now I know when I hold things in I dwell on it and make it way worse on myself then if I would have talked about it that's when I started I would try everything and anything first it was w**d got to paranoid then it was Coke made my stomach hurt I even did try h****n once and that just put me to sleep and why but I don't want to sleep That's when I would think about it the most. so slowly killing myself I wouldn't eat I was miserable I went over to my friend's house one day and her stepdad was there and you looked at me and you said I noticed you been going through something that you don't talk about just take this hit and everything will go away I thought he was trying to help me at the time now I know misery and choice company I guess so I took this hit off the foil and it was the best thing I ever did I thought anyways I didn't feel anything I thought nothing I was smiling laughing walking to go get a soda felt like I was flying I felt like this was the best feeling why doesn't everybody do this I was able to block it out That's all I ever wanted I was so happy I couldn't stop smoking that one hit turned into 20 years pretty much off and on but when they come down came for the first time after me being up for 5 days I hated myself more than anything I didn't want to be alive I didn't know who I was so I just kept smoking so I didn't have to feel that feeling from 15 to 17 I use pretty much everyday I ended up getting a boyfriend that didn't use so he wasn't letting me use but I didn't know who I was everything he likes was my favorite everything he wanted to do was what I wanted to do so when I turned 18 I ended up getting pregnant he didn't want to baby at that time so he told me I had to get rid of it I told myself I would never get rid of a baby but I just went with what he told me to do so that's why I did I made the appointment I went in they had me see my baby for the first time he was 8 week baby and have me hear his heartbeat I started to cry then they told me step by step what they had to do to kill my baby when I say this I don't say it lightly I will never ever ever do that again cuz that is one thing I can never forget or block out I ended up leaving him a few months after that just because I couldn't deal with that fact of getting rid of the baby and right after I got rid of my baby he ended up and not that he has a 7-year-old and started bringing her around so I got more and more depressed and so what do you think I did, yep I went over to that friend's house that's her stepdad got me high for the first time and at that point she was using so I started using again I used for about a year and then I'm at my first baby's dad and this will be the next chapter about how I met my baby's dad and why we are not together today
- Writer
