I AM

I’m a firm believer that our future is already written, and that the reason we keep doing certain things is because they were meant to be placed in our hands. Ever since I was young, I was never the type of kid who could go on stage with full confidence. I was shy, and I overthought a lot before joining different activities. I always asked myself if I could really do it, or maybe it just wasn’t for me. But even then, I still kept joining, even when my hands were shaking, trembling, and my voice felt silenced. I remember when I was in kindergarten, I was chosen to represent our class as the muse for our intramurals. Before the event, I was confident. I even practiced modeling and singing as my talent while my mother watched me. I was kind of excited that, finally, someone thought I was pretty. Yet the next day, when I was on the stage, my eyes couldn’t look at the audience. My hands were trembling while holding the mic. I felt disappointment, yet I could still hear some cheers from the people around me. Growing up as a kid full of ambitions also meant growing up as a kid who was scared of what people would think of me. Whenever I joined a contest, there was always a battle between me and my fear. It wasn’t just me against the other contestants, but also a battle within myself. When I was in Grade 7, I joined a storytelling contest. I was really prepared. I put a lot of effort into practicing because I wanted to be confident in front of all the people who would watch me. But when it was my turn, I forgot my first line. I was shy. I was scared. I saw the little laughs and the worried looks, but that young kid was brave. She asked for part two, and whenever I remember it, I still get embarrassed. If I could just go back to that time, I would probably do better in one try. I’ve never experienced being at the top. My rank was always 2, 3, or somewhere below those, but never lower than 10. The thought of being so close scares me. It pressures me. Why is there always someone who seems much better than me? That young kid was ambitious to the point that whatever she felt she could do, she would do it. Even with trembling hands and a fast-beating heart, she never gave up. But why did that ambitious young kid slowly fade away and leave only the trembling hands with me? I always dreamed that the potential within me would not be locked away by my fear of failing. Because of that fear, I can no longer even answer recitations the way I used to before. Why does fear stop me from shining the way I once did? They say that the moments when you answer something wrong or embarrass yourself are only small moments in other people’s lives, and that they will not remember you because they are too busy with themselves. I just really hope it becomes easier for me to remember that whenever I try to speak. But it wasn’t easy. The fear of what people might think of me scares me, and whenever it’s over, I regret not speaking. It hurts. That kind of regret hurts in the deepest way possible because regret gives you a chance, yet you failed to grab it. Will I blame myself for being like this? I was already in senior high when I started feeling this, but it became even bigger when I became a college student. I am amazed by how other students do it so easily, while it takes me several tries before I can do it too, and sometimes I still can’t. When will these trembling hands become hands of relief instead of fear?