AFTER A WHILE

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go... hm... hmmhmm... hmmmm..." I hum a few lines of an old popular song habang nakaapak ang aking mga paa sa napakalawak na paliparan ng Beijing International Airport. It's about time for me to go home at hindi na ito isang drawing na madalas kong iniisantabi lang. Tanaw ko ang napakalaking eroplano sa may di kalayuan as I slowly take a step towards the plane. I wore a bucket hat that covered my shoulder-length, naturally curly black hair with my signature glasses na kakabit na ng aking pagkatao. I could feel a mixture of anxiety and excitement building inside of me as I got closer to the plane. I had been dreaming about this trip for such a long time, and now I'm ready to embrace whatever awaits me in my motherland. I took a deep breath as I stepped onto the plane, letting the scent of aviation fuel and polished metal wash over me. With each step down the aisle, I could see the faces of fellow travelers, each one immersed in their stories. As soon as I am on board, I head straight for the window seat I reserved. I immediately settle into the comfy fabric and look out at the runway, watching the hustle and bustle of the airport as passengers board and luggage is loaded. A sense of excitement builds within me as I anticipate my homecoming. I close my eyes the moment I find comfort, allowing the soft hum of the engines to soothe me into a sound sleep. Dreams of creating new experiences and reuniting with my family and friends again begin to spin in my head, promising the excitement that awaits me once we take off. I dozed off for a while and was awakened by a voice in the air. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard Flight 5M27 . . . . . enjoy your flight." Pamilyar na mga salitang maririnig sa ere... pamilyar na salitang gumising sa aking kamalayan, at ilang sandali nga lang ay nasa himpapawid na kami. Kasabay ng paglipad ng eroplano ay ang paglipad din ng mga ala-alang naiwan ko sa Pinas, a few years back. How time flies so fast, hours to go nalang at muli na naman akong makakaapak sa lugar na minsan ko ng nilisan. Am I all set to go back again? Is this moment a suitable time for such a decision? These were the thoughts that plagued his mind even before the day he boarded this flight back home. Then, a memory from the past suddenly came to mind. It was that deep conversation he shared with Mami Hein. Nakasandal ako sa backrest ng sofa, habang blankong nakatingin sa kawalan. I even disregard the cup of coffee in front of me. Mami Hein sat at the table, studying my upcoming schedules for the next couple of weeks. Isa-isa niyang binabangit sa akin ang lahat. "Opening number sa isang noontime show on Wednesday, then taping for a gag show by 3 P.M. you have an interview the day after and you'll be probably guesting for another show on Friday, Well, hindi pa naman siya confirmed... mag e-email nalang daw sila sa Monday. The usual show on Saturday and Sunday, plus... you'll be doing a cameo role sa isang big budgeted film," paglalahad niya pa sa akin. I definitely heard every single word that she uttered, pero nanatili akong tahimik. Despite the fact that my thoughts were filled with lots of load that I had to let go of, I was still too afraid to let it out, because the last thing I wanted to do was to offend her. Panandalian akong yumuko at unti-unti ng ininom ang tasa ng kape. Trying to act normal, pretending na wala akong narinig. Avoiding conversations that might lead to heated arguments. Bagay na lalo niyang ikinabahala. Alam kung nagtataka na siya sa mga ikinikilos ko this past few days. Though she didn't confront me, alam kong napapansin na niya ang kakaiba kong ikinikilos, that I have been bothered with some negative thoughts lately. Maybe she's just waiting for me to open up. Things that I couldn't do, I am too scared to make her upset, kahit alam kung 'yon at 'yon din ang mangyayari the moment I got the nerve to break the news. Ilang sandali pa at lumapit na siya sa akin. I can sense her intense gazed as she occupy the seat opposite to mine. Then she suddenly snap her fingers on, to call my attention na sobra kung ikinagulat. Kaagad naman akong nag-angat ng ulo as a response. "Mi, would... y-you mind if I'll say na... " I sighed. "Na gusto ko ng mag-pahinga?" halos pabulong kung tanong sa babaeng kausap. "Of course I won't mind," simple niyang sagot. May pinong ngiti akong nasilayan sa kanyang mga labi the moment I take a look at her. "I'm tired Mi..." dugtong ko at muli akong yumuko. "O-okay, I understand... let's just do this some other time, pahinga ka na muna for now at mukhang pagod ka nga," dagdag pang sinabi ni Mami Hein. "No. You didn't get it Mi... I said gusto ko ng magpahinga." Diniinan ko pa ang pagbigkas no'n. "Oo nga! Pagod ka, so magpapahinga ka, naiintindihan ko 'yon. Sunod-sunod din kasi naging engagements mo. Maybe a week or two is enough? re-charge ka muna and then get back on track! Pero, kailangan mo munang siputin lahat ng naka line-up na gig next week, then you can take a rest after, is that okay with you?" aniya. Sandaling katahimikan ang namayani, nag-isip ako kung paano nga ba ipaparating sa kausap ang pinupunto ko, in a way na hindi ito mag o-over react. Kaya ko'to, kailangan kung kayanin. I need to speak up now, or I might lose this chance again. Baka kainin na naman ako ng takot at pangamba. Ang naibulong ko sa sarili. "What I'm trying to say is... " I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I let my guards down. "Gusto ko ng mag pahinga, Mi... from the limelight, from the fame, from all of these! Not just for a week, but for the rest of..." Ngunit di ko na natapos pa ang mga dapat sabihin dahil muling tumayo si Mami kasabay ng pagtaas ng boses. "Teka muna Renz, ano 'to? Bakit? Please tell me nagbibiro ka lang, right?" I shook my head in return, na lalo lamang nagpatindi ng tensiyon sa pagitan naming dalawa. "As in seriously?" nagpalakad lakad siya sa harapan ko, habang nagtatanong. I just nodded as I came out of words. "Ngayon pa talaga Renz?" muli niyang tanong sa'kin. I closed my eyes avoiding her stern look. "Now that everything is doing well?" as she continues, "Baka naman nabibigla ka lang? Baka you just needed a break, pwede ka namang magpahinga for now, but please... quitting is not an option, wala namang ganyanan!" Mga salita ni Mami na hanggang ngayon ay malinaw parin sa aking balintataw. Napahawak ako sa noo pagkarinig no'n. As expected! Alam na alam kung ganito ang magiging reaction niya. I definitely saw this coming. Pero sadyang buo na sa utak ko ang nabuong desisyon, kaya wala ng puwede pang humadlang sa mga nakaplano. "I'm sorry Mi, I-I just got so exhausted," sinubukan kung magpaliwanag, hoping that she'll take it lightly. "Matagal ko na rin po itong pinag-isipan, maybe, maybe this industry is not really for my kind," pagpapatuloy ko. "Coming from you Renz? Coming from a guy who has always been fired up to do a lot of things! l can't believe this." Iiling-iling siya, para yatang nasabugan ng bomba sa narinig, at nagpatuloy pa ito sa pag-sasalita. "Heto na kasi 'yon oh! Abot kamay mo na!" habang itinuturo lahat ng recognitions at proof of achievement ko, na nakadisplay sa loob ng opisina. I felt a sudden guilt, kasi lahat ng 'yon ay napasakamay ko with their help. "And then what? bibitawan mo na lang ng basta basta?" she tried her best to enlighten my mind by doing so. I did get her point of view, of course! Pa'no ko naman makakalimutan ang isang bagay na kinalakihan ko na? Pero sabi nga nila change is inevitable, at hindi mo mare-realize na kailangan mo na nito, until it knocks upon your door. Minsan kasi masyado tayong nabubulag ng mga pangarap na nabuo ng mura nating kaisipan. We tend to depart from the real world in the aim of secluding ourselves sa mundong pilit nating binubuo para sa sarili. Nakakalimutan natin na kasabay ng pag-abot ng mga pangarap, ay ang pagbabago din ng mundo. Sometimes, just when you have finally reached your goal by finding yourself standing in what you have thought "end of the road" you suddenly realize that the journey is not yet over. That you are just about to take the most complex road you have ever come across in your life. As a consequence, it's essential to take a step back and look at the whole view. Then, take the re-route if it's the only way for you to stay on track. The countless twists and turns you did doesn't really matter, kasi wala naman talagang straight na biyahe, there will always be stop overs along the journey. So, as long as you keep going you will surely reach "The irony of it Mi... ang tagal-tagal ko 'tong pinangarap, ever since I was young napaka clear ng visions na 'to," bahagya akong tumawa pagkasabi no'n. "As what I've always said before... nakikita ko na 'yong dulo eh! nakikita ko na 'yong finish line?" as I raised the cup of coffee that I held with my right hand. "So, it's all up to me kung pa'no ko 'yon pupuntahan. On what steps I should take to be able to get there, to be here now!" dahan dahan kung inilapag ang tasa at dinampot ang isang plaque of award na iginawad sa'kin last year. "And it does makes sense now, Tama ka Mi, all the hard work has paid off! Well, salamat sa inyo ni kuya Kem, for believing in me, for pushing me further just to go this far! I am forever grateful for the both of you, for having played a huge part in this so-called success! this is it Mi, 'eto na talaga 'yon!" maluha-luha pa ako pagkabanggit no'n. Muli akong umupo at sinubukang makipag eye contact sa kanya. Nauna na siyang umupo sa gitna ng aking paglilitanya kanina. "So, dapat masaya ako di ba?" Pero ba't ganon? Ba't parang may kulang? Kung kelan abot ko na lahat, that's when I begin doubting myself," I place my palm at the center of my chest. "There's a certain emptiness within, akala ng lahat ang saya-saya ko! Pero akala lang nila 'yon! I pretended to be happy, because I had to and I need to... masyado akong naka focus sa pag-papasaya ng ibang tao, little did I know... unti-unti na pala akong na-uubos." It feels like the time freezes at that moment. Damang-dama ko pa rin ang bawat eksena up until now. I still remember how Mami Hein suddenly switches mode in between. "Anong nangyayari? like, Where the hell is this coming from?" mga tanong na alam kung minabuti na lamang niyang sarilinin at that time. Mga tanong na dinig na dinig ko kahit hindi niya isinantinig. Kung may pinag-dadaanan ba ako? may nangyari ba na hindi niya alam? hindi siya sanay na nakikita ako sa gano'ng sitwasyon. I was trying to compose myself while uttering some words, but couldn't hide my real emotions which makes her truly bothered. Alam kung ang dami niyang gustong pakawalan na mga salita, yet she opted to be in silence. "Di ko na alam kung sa'n pa huhugot, ano pang ibibigay ko kung mismong sarili kung kaligayahan ay di ko mahanap-hanap? Bakit kay ilap ng mga bagay na'yon para sa'kin Mi?" Hindi ko maiwasang maitanong, kasi bakit nga ba talaga? bakit madali lang para sa iba, gayong ang hirap hirap para sa akin? Tila hindi parin makapaniwala si Mami sa narinig, naging speechless siya for a while, habang pinipilit e process sa utak ang mga nangyayari. At kahit almost lost for words, she still try to console me sa paraang alam niya. Naninibago man siya sa akin, though it feels like she's talking to a complete stranger. At kahit gustuhin man niyang i interrogate ako, alam niyang, making an argument with me at that specific moment is definitely not the right thing to do. So she gave me a hug from behind instead, for me to know na hindi ako nag-iisa at handa siyang suportahan ano man ang maging desisyon ko sa mga darating na araw. Even if it means na mababalewala ang lahat ng pinaghirapan at pinagpaguran namin. "I don't know what to says Renz, all this time, may pinagdadaanan ka na pala? pero wala ka man lang sinasabi..." mga salitang namutawi sa kantang labi, habang nakayakap parin sa akin. Maya-maya pa ay bumitaw na siya at piniling kausapin ako ng masinsinan, habang mahigpit ang pagkakahawak nito sa aking kamay. "But hey! listen to me... whatever it is that you're going through right now, pag-uusapan natin 'yan in time, kapag handa ka na... pero sa ngayon, gusto kung isipin mo na nandito lang ako, nandito lang kami. We got your back, anuman ang mangyari... at sure ako na you'll get over with this thing soon, so try to be still... okay?" Tumango lamang ako bilang tanda ng pagsang-ayon dito, but still avoiding prolonged eye contacts, ayaw na ayaw ko ng ganitong usapan. As much as possible ayaw kung maging burden pa ng iba! I'd rather keep everything to myself hangga't kaya ko pa. But not at that moment... paano nga naman kami magkakaintindihan if I wouldn't get into. "I'm sorry Mi, I disappointed you... I'm such a failure," madamdamin kung bigkas habang pinipigilan ang nagbabadyang pagbuhos ng luha sa aking mga mata.Inangat ni Mami ang mukha ko at tiningnan ako ng diretso. "Of course not! Sa pagkakaalam ko, na achieve mo na ang lahat ng goals mo as far as your showbiz life is concern, you even exceeded it!" marahan niyant tinapik ang aking mukha. "Besides, umuwi ka naman talaga dito to try new things, to fulfill your what if's, di ba?, para malaman kung hanggang saan ka lang pwede... at kung ano lang 'yong kaya mong ibigay. Malinaw 'yon sa'kin from the start Renz, at kung dito na 'yon magtatapos, so be it..." She really has a soft spot in her heart, at napatunayan ko rin kung gaano niya ako kamahal na parang tunay na anak. "You're not upset Mi? hindi masama ang loob mo sa'kin?" I sincerely asked. Tinitigan niya muna ako bago siya sumagot, "Nanghihinayang, Oo! pero... mas importante ka sa'kin 'nak, I'd rather see you outside the spotlight na masaya at kontento sa buhay rather than watching you shine with poker faces on. I'm sorry din ha? masyado akong naka focus sa mga ganap mo, di ko man lang naisip na tanungin kung okay ka pa ba? kung masaya ka ba talaga sa ginagawa mo, I also got so overwhelmed."Nahimasmasan ako sa narinig, parang gumaan ng bahagya ang aking pakiramdam. "Isa pa, career mo lang naman dito ang gusto mong tapusin diba?" pagpapatuloy pa niya, "Wait.. No! No...let me re-phrase it, will be put into hold muna, that's better. I'm sorry pero ayokong isipin na... na dito na magtatapos ang lahat. Cause I do believe na babalik kapa kapag pwede na, kapag kaya mo na ulit," dagdag pa nito. "Susubukan ko Mi... malay natin," nagkibit-balikat pa ako pagkasabi no'n. "But I won't promise anything, tanging panahon nalang ang makakapagsabi kung ano ang mangyayari sa hinaharap. We'll just leave it there... until it's time." I say it as a consolation, besides no one really knows what the future holds. "Yah! that will be enough for me, thank's for considering, kahit medyo malabo, at least open ka pa rin for future possibilities. Sa ngayon, gawin mo muna ang dapat mong gawin, I know you have better plans ahead. Make things happen sa paraang gusto mo at sa paraang alam mo, hihintayin ka namin, that's for sure!" And there it goes... isang sign na hiningi ko galing sa itaas. Narinig ko na ang gusto kong marinig. After almost Three years of being here and sharing good vibes to the people, it's about time to focus on other matters. That talk didn't just end there, nor did it last for a few hours, it became a daily habit for about a week or two which is of course kasali na rin si kuya Kem and the rest of the gang. It took a while bago kami nakapag decide sa dapat naming gawin, but one thing is for sure... I settled things with all of them, lahat sila na may kinalaman sa carreer ko dito sa Pinas. Umalis ako ng bansa at lumipad patungong China with an agreement na kami kami lang din ang nakakaalam.Na miss ko silang bigla,.ang aking pangalawang Nanay at Tatay. Mahabang-habang usapan 'to pag nagkita-kita na ulit kami. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have just landed at Ninoy Aquino International Airport, Skiez Azia Airlines welcomes you to Manila _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ We are looking forward to seeing you onboard again in the near future. Have a nice day." Ang layo na pala ng nilakbay ng aking isipan, di ko man lang namalayan ang paglapag ng eroplanong aking sinasakyan. Author's note: This is a revision of an original story that was already published in another site, sometime in September of 2020. Though I took the liberty of sharing my work to the public, I somehow got stuck in the midway, that I could no longer continue what I have started. Now I am re-telling the story of Two hearts that beats on the same rhythm, yet played on different tune.