Vendetta Love

Strained Heart

Kara

God damn it!

Today was not how I thought it'll be. I didn't want to see him. I couldn't. It's just.. ugh, it makes this so much harder than it has to be. I can't see him until I'm cleared.

My feelings still feels all over the place. And him doing his Barron s**t and stalking me didn't help. Seeing him look at me didn't help. And him touching me didn't make me honest whether I'm doing what's for me or.. No! I know. He is just f*****g with my head.

Once I had made it to my car I throw my bag over the backseat and breathe everything out. But instead of me breathing. I just shouted in full frustration of the situation.

"Just try not to see him again. It won't be long and then things will just be as they should." I tell myself in the mirror.

How truthful was my own words though. I can't even get him out my head. He was more in my thoughts than he was before the break up. And every time I think of him, it switches to me wanting him. The deep urge to fall back into our fantasy that we both know can never happen. No matter if we desire it we can't.

We just can't.

I collected myself on my drive down to the city. It was busy as always and I had business to consulate with.

"Hey, here." Nix shouted and waves me down once she saw me cross the street.

"Hey, Nix." I take my seat and release a deep sigh right away. I couldn't help it. I was all tension up after the mess with Declan. And when I'm with Nix. It's a another type of fantasy. One where two girls can just be girls with the truth displace.

"Oh, something happen didn't it? Boy or Monroe s**t?" She asked as she pushes a plate of curly fries closer to me.

I look up. My eyes sag down and I weakly take a fry to eat.

"So, bad-bad, huh?" I nod with a pout. "You want to talk your mess or mine?"

I swallow another fry and sat upright. "What mess do you got? The wrong venue color or the hip-dips you got?" I smirk to amuse her happy life out the hell mess of the Organization.

Nix steals a fry as she leans back happy as can be. "Just wanted to make you smile. But hey. I can't complain. I never thought I'll get marry."

"You're a catch. What i***t wouldn't want to marry you. You got a killer eye." I wink.

In fair words that was her code back when she worked under the Monroe's. But after she graduated she step back. Wanted to try something new. Father wasn't happy because she had a good eye on killing. But a certain someone convince him to help her.

Not me.

Now she works under it all. She heads underground and deals with every aspect of it all. Every news, every hit, every list, every bond, and more. Nix now deals with every call that goes in and out. She knows everything about everything and everyone knows it.

Those people we call to get information from. That's Nix.

She's the best in and outside the Mafia. We have been friends since kids. And every time together it's like we're still kids. She's my loyal best friend. And her loyalty is high. She calls us with every worthy news. She's our advantage underground.

"I don't know if I got that anymore. Everything from that life is..its behind me." Her face soften in gloom.

"You can always come back."

"No, I'm fine. It's safer where I'm at. Plus, I don't want a beat up face at my wedding."

She tries to hide it but I can tell she still misses it. Every time we hang out she ask for details of my last mission. And her face, it shows in the eyes the dread of not getting blood on your hands anymore. After so many years it may not be lady like but f**k it.

"If I recall you still look sexy with a black eye." I chuckle.

She flare hair out in a sassy way. We share laugh as our food comes and we eat.

"Um, can I ask how Marco is doing? Has he found a date to the wedding yet?" She asked me.

My eye titled with my head. I don't question her concerning voice. "Marco is Marco. I'm sure he'll sent in his RSVP in soon. Whether it's with a date or not. He wouldn't miss your big day." I assure her.

Her lips curl soften and I can see her eyes lighten to flashbacks. All the times of her and Marco. It wasn't fresh but the memories don't fade.

"I'm not so sure. It seems he doesn't want to go. And I don't blame him." Now she full on frown her lips.

She tosses her fry back to the plate and tap her phone like if she said his name, he would magical call her.

"You're doing what he said. You can't feel guilty for going for what makes you happy. You deserve that. Even he said so." I reminded her.

But knowing her it was a low cloud when Marco is a topic. She still held him close even after it all. I catch her at some moments twirling the ring on her right finger.

"I would say the same about you." She retreated. I grunted and looked away. "Enough me and my non-mess. What's Kara's life like?"

She fixes herself as she blooms from her cloud and into a sunshine Nix now. I try ignoring her comment and talk about something else. But she's Nix and I can't not tell her.

"How big of a mess, Kara? Nix big or Marco big?" The statement is meant if it's a quick solution and I'm just stubborn on it. Or if it's so big I will fixate on it until even the solution will derail.

"Neither, Nix." I blow harsh air and tried to talk wedding details but she kicked me.

"Hey! No bruising up the woman of honor." I scolded.

"Stop derailing! You have Kara Mess! So talk." She demanded my stubbornness to ease. But Kara mess is all stubbornness. And only one person eases that.

Not anymore.

"Girl, I will kick you again. Don't keep me in the dark. That's not how we work. Without you I have absolutely nothing. I would have no sister." She pouted at the end. Her comment hits as we both grew up in a sister bond. We were all the girls in the Monroe Mafia. At least the only ones who are willingly took blood on their hands.

I breathe out heavily and just said it. "I ran into Declan."

Her jaw dropped. "So, bad-bad?" My eyes gloss innocently. "Oh, so good-good?" She questioned. My lips now turn and she flew a fry at me. "Girl, talk! I don't know how to react when you do those faces."

"It's.. it was good bad. Probably just bad because it seem good which should only be bad." I admitted.

I went on to tell her everything. How he found my volunteer lie that I know he figured out. To how he waited for my classes to end to ambushed me and within a minute he had all my walls down where I almost kissed him.

See bad. No good.

"Girl, you need to be honesty with yourself."

"Isn't honesty what got me here?" Not completely true but close.

"Huh. Tell me why you can't just allow yourself to be happy with the guy you love even if his last name is hell awful."

My heart strained at the thoughts. All I had was sleepless nights over it.

"It's not the last name. Or the secret of it all." I began to rip small pieces of my napkin.

"Then what is it that's pulling you away from love. Because before 2 days ago. You were so madly in love with Declan you were making a list of buying things for your future home together. And I can still see your cutesy wallpaper on your phone." Nix was so out the game but she still understood the lining. So I guess if I'm gonna explain it to anyone. It would have to be her.

"Kara, make me understand why you believe you can't let this guy love you. Because clearly you still love him. It's not just in your eyes, girl." Her voice grew a genuine tone.

"My dad would of liked him. I know it. But." I pause as I look into the restaurant to see an old couple. They seem so happy. So full of love and the world looked so harmless around them.

Harmless. Was that the key? If so then Declan and I would never. Yet, we grew up with harm where harmless seem more harmful.

"I'm not done with him. That much is still there. But I can't. When I had my mindset on something I have to fulfill it. I can't disappoint. I'm expected to do more. And I can't just do IT over some man. My life has to be more than just a man this and a man that. I just need time so I can surpass the feeling because my heart is clinging to him. Once I clear it all and it make sense of it I can maybe see which way to go. But right now I don't know, when I see his face and the feelings shut down. I don't see my Declan. I see my father's killer. He didn't hesitate then so why am I now? Because I love him and stupidly still want what our fantasy gave me. It's a fantasy, Nix. It's not forever. I can't wait for one day I snap and drench his blood from some resentment. I just can't think straight but I also couldn't do nothing. What kind of Monroe would I be than?"

I breathe one breath and ended with, "I need to uphold to something more. That's my fulfillment. Outside of all these men and exceptions of what an eldest daughter. Until I uphold that, Nix."

In this f*****g reality there's more in stake than we think, until someone like me puts a clearing. Women aren't much but a pawn in the Mafia. I wanted to change that. At least for myself. Despite the glares and rumors or whatever. I can care less but f**k I won't be just a pawn to pass around. Nix knew that too. She was just the same but stop for love, not me. She lessen herself for something she thinks is more.

But that's her. She's not a Monroe. She worked for us yes but she not A MONROE.

Nix knew then when I explain it all. Her face just held it all like I ripped out her mouth and heart. Like I sew it back up after a awful agony stage.

She cleared a tear she had captive in her corners. "Your head is always clear Kara. It's just who you are. And loving Declan is, whoa." She breath edge out as she actually understood. "Just remember what I always say."

"The heart will grieve the lost. The brain will forget. And the body will ache." I recited. Just something she says to get through those bad days.

"It's okay to pause, Kara. Cry all those tears you're holding. Pause and breathe."

"I paused for years. I rested. Now that's over." I ignore her crying comment with a hard glare. I'm not a crying type of girl. I have actually stab every person who questions me as one. And that counts my brother.

"Okay. Just know I got a furry purple pillow and your best little sister cup." We share a laugh as we keep our sister bond. Even when she tries to convince me, she still tells me to do what feels right in the sense of mind.

Meeting up with Nix was nice. I knew she would ask me. It's only been 2 days but it feels like more.

Beyond that. I still have work to drown myself in. There's a lot to fix and a lot to rearrange to my fitting. Time is coming to an end and I need to have things place right before others can think we are up for grabs.

They'll thinking we're weak and I won't let my father's name result into that.

I can't disappoint. Even in death.

I headed in my office and lucky me I had people waiting in needs of things.

"Everyone get out." Marco walks in as the sergeant uptight ass as he is.

I avoid eye contact as I continue my work. Marco headed my way with a very grump of a mood. I look up to send a gentle smile. Knowing it would just piss him off.

"Where were you? I called?" He scolded.

My eyes reach him. Staring him down so he knew my next words. "I met a friend."

He knew who. And said nothing. "You gonna ask how she is?"

"She's happy, right?" I nod. "Then that's all I need to know." Grumpy ass.

I stood up in a small body compare to him. He can be this grump to everyone but not about Nix. His body still ticks to her name. And he can't hide it.

"She asked if you're gonna show up to the wedding. Are you?"

He deny because he still loves her. They ended out of nowhere. But they said it was out of reason.

He straighten his tie. Like it hide his emotions. "Love is just-"

"Its not enough." I finish.

Quickly, his grump ass loosen as he wipes his hand over his mouth. Marco whispers my name and I knew a lecture was coming. It held that soft superior voice. And I don't need that! "No don't . I had Nix already talked about it. You two and your finding your resting crap."

"You know its meant to finding a people you can come to at the end of all the chaos. The one who makes it all sense. You don't just give that up."

"Yeah, well, you did." He flex hard.

"I chose to stop hurting her. And going to her wedding will just add." For the first time other than their depart. I saw sadness in Marco's eyes.

"And how hurt will she be if you don't go?"

"Side effect of being a Monroe. We have to make a hard decision even for others right?" I nod to the harsh truth.

"Okay, for 5 minutes I'm off work. Come here."

He said with opens arms.

What? My body flinch back as I was stun at his words.

"Come on Kara. Lean on me. I got it now." His words meant the truth.

Marco wiggle his finger to edge me more. I looked around and confirm inside my head that we are alone.

One step after the other I walked into his embrace. Marco disarm himself in a way he hasn't done since we were kids.

With full grace and tender. He held me like old times. I whisper the knowledge he needed before he thought otherwise. "I'm not gonna cry so don't expect me-"

"I know." He kisses my head. Making me stop my thought. "I'll stand by your call for this. I won't nag you. We both have a lot at stake. And we got things to set before it all mets the air. But I got you okay. Always."

And he does. He doesn't judge even with a judgy look he will always just stand by me. His truth of loyalty took me off but it was what I needed.

But he's right. We're Monroes. There's more than just what others are expecting from us. It's more than what we desire. There's just more.

"I hate men." I breathe and he chuckles.

Even though I'm in the arms of one man. He understood. With less words and all. Marco understood.

Just like father did when I ask for that deal.

*FlashBack*

Fuck!

I can't. I can't. I reck too much. I'm not fitted yet.

Ugh.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this like I thought I was. One mistake and it all could be OUR DOWNFALL. All because of me. I can't reck that. I won't.

It's a sign. And I need to test it out. I need to see. Maybe I'm not the heir. I'm just a daughter. A girl even.

I fidget with my fingers. Staring at my feet as I wait for father to walk through that door and yell at me. Tell me everything I did wrong. Tell me how big of a screw up I was. To tell me he was right all along and I should just be like my mother and stay home.

Maybe I'm not as strong welded as I thought.

*Door slam*

I stood up quick and collect my thoughts. Father walked pass me and sat down at his desk.

"Tell me how it went in your head." His eyes pierced deeply.

And I went to explain my part. I made such a big mistake because I thought I was better. Because I wanted to show up. But all that got me was near death. And not just mine.

I had my father's back. I assure him I was good enough. We went out far and instead of calling out. I tried to do more than I can take. I also miscounted and it almost lead for father's and I's lives at stake.

I miscalculated. I underestimated myself.

But I'll get better the next time. I won't make that mistake again. I just need time and go under.

Father didn't scold me like usual. Instead he tried to comforted me. His words won't only odd. But I craved that tone he had. It was more father like. Which only told me one thing.

"I can see you have been tilted else where. You slipped. Is there somewhere better I should do?" he asked me.

"I need time, Father. I need to step back. I'll weaponize myself better for us. But I also want to see how the outsiders do."

His eyes sharpen. There was manic in his eyes. "You leave and you will never come back."

That's not what I want. I still crave this. But I also crave the life I didn't get to experience.

"I'll make a deal with you than." I said with confident.

He leans over his desk. Laying his hand out for me to explain. And I do. I make a sacrifice. I take myself of it all. I want a fair chance. I'll train harder everyday while I'm under. We'll see but I needed to not be a Monroe. I'm starting high school and that can be my chance.

I admitted my failure because I wanted a normal life. I wanted a pause. He wasn't happy with it. That I can see even without the glass on the floor. But I need to see how life is without such chaos. I dreamed of it just as much as I dreamed of my father's approval.

The silence was deadly until he spoke. "Are you sure, princess?" He asked with full concern.

"Yes." I confirm.

He click his tongue. "You can always come back."

"I know, daddy. I just need a break." I strain myself to much. That's my problem.

"I did expect you to take over one day. You are the most skilled. You're like me." Really? Did he meant that?

"I know. I just can't do this anymore. At least now. "

It took some pleading and a well deal. But I got my pause.

I would go to a new school and change my last name. I'll be a new person. I'll be anyone but this Kara.

All it took to get was to answer his out calls. Which in his code means I will be sent out to run missions. Most of them will be solo. And they will test me to see my sculpted ways.

His tone change at this part. He claims that if I'm still the daughter who wanted to prove herself to her father then I should have no problem. I'll make it home alive. And if I'm truly not cut out for this world. I'll die out there.

Over all, the deal was set for me to prepare myself to take his chair. At 18 I would end my pause and return back to him. I leave this civilian lifestyle I ask and fully give my all to the Monroe Mafia.

"Don't disappoint me." He says before we shake hands to seal in the deal.

**

I was the Monroe's secret. I cease to exist. I grew into their greatest asset. And then more. There was always fuckng more.