No Way Out (COMPLETED)

16

Matagal ko nang hindi nakita ang mukha niya.

Pero ngayong nakatayo ako sa labas ng maliit na coffee shop na ito, may kung anong bigat sa dibdib ko na hindi ko maipaliwanag.

I never forgot his face, the warm moments we shared, the struggles we faced together. The memories are all bittersweet — there were a lot of bad things that happened, but I still yearn for him even after the four years that passed.

And when he contacted me out of the blue for the first time in years, I felt both scared and happy. Naalala ko pa kung paano nanginig ang mga kamay ko habang binubuksan ang letter na ipinadala niya sa cafe ko noong isang linggo.

I breathed deeply as I pushed the door open, at tumunog ang maliit na bell sa ibabaw nito. Konti lang ang tao sa loob — karamihan naka-focus sa kanya-kanyang laptop o libro. Tahimik ang lugar, tanging maririnig lang ay ang tunog ng keyboards, paglipat ng pahina, at pagtama ng mga baso sa lamesa.

And then, I saw him.

Nakaupo siya sa pinakadulong table, malapit sa bintana. Nakatitig lang siya sa baso ng kape niya, habang umiikot sa daliri ang isang sugar packet, absent-minded. His hair's a bit longer, slightly messy. Naka-grey hoodie siya at faded na jeans — so different from the Judas I knew in that mansion.

Pero kahit anong pagbabago sa hitsura niya, walang nagbago sa epekto niya sa akin. Because my heart immediately started racing at the sight of him.

And as if he heard my heart pounding, he looked up from his coffee. It was slow, as if he was just as nervous as I am.

Our eyes met, at pakiramdam ko ay para akong sinuntok sa sikmura.

Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman — galit ba? Lungkot? Takot? Saya? Lahat ata ng 'yon sabay-sabay kong naramdaman, pero hindi ko napigilan ang bahagyang ngiti na sumilay sa labi ko.

My happiness overpowered everything else. I missed him.

He stood up almost too quickly, like he wasn't sure kung lalapit ba siya o tatakbo palayo. Tinamaan niya ang lamesa at halos matapon ang kapeng nakapatong dito. Parehas kaming kinakabahan, pero this time, I made the first move.

I walked toward him.

"Hi," sabi ko, boses ko halos pabulong.

"Hi," sagot niya, halos hangin lang ang lumabas sa mga labi niya.

For a moment, wala kaming ginawa kundi tumingin lang sa isa't isa. Ang daming gustong sabihin — pero parang lahat ng salitang naiipon sa bibig ko, natunaw sa hangin. All I knew was I was here, and so was he. After everything.

"K-Kamusta ka?" tanong niya, his voice softer than I remember.

"I'm ok..." sagot ko, hindi ko maiwasang umiwas ng tingin. "Ikaw ba?"

"Trying," he said, at may pilit na ngiti sa labi niya. "Therapy helps. You?"

"Same." I smiled back.

Nagkatinginan ulit kami. His intense stare still makes my knees weak, kaya hinila ko ang upuan sa tapat niya at naupo dito bago pa ako matumba. Once I sat down, he did so, too.

"Thanks for seeing me. Hindi ako nag-expect na pupunta ka.." Bulong niya.

"Yet you waited for me.."

"I did.."

There was no grand apology. No big romantic speech. And I'm fine with it, kasi para sa akin, wala nang kailangang sabihin. Alam naming dalawa kung ano ang nangyari, and here we both are — willing to try again, in whatever way that meant.

"Can I—?" sabay naming tanong.

Natawa kami pareho, awkward at first pero sincere.

"You first," sabi niya.

I looked into his eyes warmly.

He made the first move before. Hindi man tama ang ginawa niya, pero kung hindi niya 'yon ginawa, we would not have known each other. We would not have experienced the love, bliss, and passion we felt for each other. And so, it felt right to initiate this time.

I took a deep breath. "Pwede ba tayong mag-usap? I mean, no pressure. We can leave anytime kung hindi na komportable. Pero... gusto kitang makilala ulit. If you're okay with that."

Halos di ko makita ang mata niya sa ilalim ng buhok niyang magulo. Pero nakita ko ang ngiti niya — maliit, pero totoo.

"Yeah," he said smiling. "I'd like that."

-

It was a long conversation, and it was honestly life-changing for me. We talked about his arrest, the time he spent in jail, our therapy sessions, his new life after his new freedom. Our conversation lasted for literal hours, it was as if we started to know each other again — napilitan lang kaming maghiwalay dahil inabot na kami ng dilim sa cafe. Judas said he needed to get some work done, and he didn't want me to get home too late either.

Niyakap ko ang unan at isinubsob ang mukha ko dito, my heart still pounding. I was still very nervous and overwhelmed. I had no clue how I managed to drive myself home earlier.

Iba na si Judas. And it makes me feel crazy that I feel both disappointed and happy with the changes I observed in him.

Never once did he touch me, not even the tip of my fingers. Pati ang paraan ng pakikipag-usap niya, iba na. And I feel like such a piece of s**t because somehow, even when he's obviously better, I was wishing he would be as aggressive and obsessed with me like before. Just like how, in the past, he could never keep his hands off me.

Ganon pa man, I know that he was just being careful. He's afraid to f**k our second chance up. And so am I.

Bumangon ako mula sa pagkakahiga nang nagsimulang mag-ring ang phone ko. Umaasa akong si Judas ang tumatawag, since I gave him my phone number earlier. Bahagya akong nalungkot nang makitang si Hakob pala ang tumatawag sa akin.

"Yo," I answered the phone.

"Anong nangyari?" Mabilis naman niyang tanong sa akin.

"Nothing worth mentioning. I'm totally ok."

Bakas sa boses niya ang panic at pag-aalala dahil alam niyang nagkita kami ni Judas kanina. I told him everything that went down — from the time I was abducted, until the moments before Judas' arrest. Kaya naiintindihan kong nag-aalala siya.

"Nasa bahay ka ba talaga, o baka kinuha ka na naman? Share your location with me now." Sobrang bilis ng pagsasalita nito, mas malakas na rin ang boses niya kaysa kanina.

"Hakob," Tumawa ako. "I am ok. I am home. We just talked."

"Drew, if you are abducted, we have a plan... remember..." Bulong nito mula sa kabilang linya, halatang hindi pa rin siya naniniwala sa akin.

"Yes, we have a plan. Our safe word is 'banana.' I tell you 'banana' if I am being held against my will again. Pero nasa bahay lang talaga ako. I'll send you my location in a moment."

"Make sure to share it, dude!" Sa wakas, dinig ko na ang relief sa boses niya. "So tell me, how was it?"

"We told each other about everything we did these past few years. It was nice..." Nahiga ako sa kama, inaalala ang usapan namin ni Judas kanina.

"He's changed..." I whispered.

"And how do you feel about that?" Marahang tanong ni Hakob.

"Conflicted." I answered truthfully. Wala naman akong tinatago kay Hakob simula ng makabalik ako sa Laguna four years ago. Since I chose not to tell my parents entirely about what happened to avoid making them worry, Hakob is the only person who knows everything.

"Elaborate." Utos niya sa akin.

"He was careful, which was nice. But also, I wish he still expressed his desire for me like he did in the past..."

Ilang segundong katahimikan ang namagitan sa amin, hanggang sa bumulalas si Hakob.

"Putanginang 'yan, Drew." Nagsimula siyang tumawa nang malakas sa kabilang linya, kaya napatawa din ako.

"What?" Tuloy pa rin ako sa pagtawa. "Gago ka, ikaw ang nagtanong e."

"Concerned kasi ako! Pero tangina mo, libog mo e." Lalong lumakas ang tawa niya.

"But seriously, dude..." Bumalik sa pagiging seryoso ang boses niya.

"You know I don't like that guy. Hanggang ngayon, gusto ko paring sapakin ang mukha niya dahil sa ginawa niya sa 'yo.." Bumuntong hininga siya, halata ang inis sa boses.

"..but I trust you." He continued. Napangiti ako.

"Thanks, bro."

"Just keep your boundaries clear this time, ok?" Paalala niya na parang magulang na nagpapangaral sa anak.

"Hindi ko kakalimutan, Hakob." Assure ko sa kanya. "Salamat sa lahat."

"You're welcome. Andito lang ako palagi, dude."

"I know."

Matapos naming mag-usap, nakaramdam na ako ng antok. I smiled to myself as I let myself immerse in all the nice things that happened today.

And for the first time in a long time, I didn't dream about my separation from Judas in my sleep.