The other side of him

Too fast

Everything happened so fast. This stranger became my best friend and he even called the cops. Or did he take advantage of me? My ex locked me in the house he tricked me. I was so stubborn and I felt my heart shred when he tried to kill himself. For me? Because of me. I tried to escape and I'm still in shocked. I blocked it out. I can't believe as he had the blade to his neck I was fighting him to live. I just felt myself start to cave a little. I could have knocked him out to stop him. I just realised I just couldn't hurt him. I just wanted him to kiss me and forget about it all. I wanted to take the pain I caused him. He didn't deserve me. No one deserves a numb person in their life. I was so greedy and it destroyed him. Now you see how cold I am? I have no heart because my friend. He wanted to be more than friends. I told him s*x and open nothing else. 

See the pattern. God I'm heartless. This is what addiction does to me. f**k my life I guess the past is correct I am useless. I'm so numb.  I blame my father. I shouldn't blame him. He was a pervert a psychopath? I'm so f*****g confused. Why do I even have a f*****g p***y? Why the hell I even have these looks?  I blame me failing the test of lust. I gave into temptation and took bribe and demons latched on me. Torturing me and this is my punishment. I don't need pity and I just can't keep my legs closed. Here I am f*****g my friend this stranger.  I'm poison. I warn him like I do the others. I'm numb and I don't know what love is I just know what love should be like. They say they understand. I shrug it shouldn't be my guilty conscience telling me they don't understand. 

I smile and just as soon as he gets home I am on him.  s*x right? Lust? I avoid his kiss. Remind him "I don't kiss" I add and grin. "But I know something I rather kiss" he gets the idea. My hands rub his c**k and we are again in the bedroom. He has his pants off. "pull my hair" I breathe and I lead him. s*x yes s*x. I am using him he is using me. I want to erase my ex out of my mind. I laugh and grin. I  lay there and he f***s me.  Why am I thinking of my ex? I close my eyes. I look up and breathe heavier. I fake moan. I watched porn. I should be an actress. I feel him flip me over and my ass is up and my back arches. f**k. I close my eyes as I feel his grip and I moan real this time. He pulls my hair. "talk nasty to me" I purr.  "Harder! "  I f**k him moving with his movement. He does say what I want and I close my eyes and think nasty names. I call myself names and I moan louder. I wrap my legs trapping him and I just f**k him. I flip him on his back and grin as I tell him to wait. I was going to wait for marriage to do it. I leave and get some chocolate syrup and bring it back.  I jump on the bed and I pour it on his c**k. I lick it up and grin "I love sugar" I suck on his balls and move my tongue up to his rod. This is what I did and was taught. I at least got this from one of my mistakes. I try to block out the flashback of him. Him I wanted to erase from my mind. I was doing this for my friend and not for me. Guys love head and well I was taught it. I licked him up and down twirling my tongue all around his c**k. I force myself to gag on his c**k. Just like I was taught. How I was taught.  I massages his balls as I get lost in the moment. I graze my teeth on his c**k as I watch him. I want him to give me head. He doesn't do that. Too bad. I hear those voices of him I am snapped back to his moaning. He is saying something. Jerking as he loves it. Of course he loves it. I grin. Glad he likes it. I started to become addicted to this sugar covered c**k. I wanted to try do much.