Perfectly Unexpected - Finished

Chapter Eight - Can't

“Are you ready?” Daniel said, standing in my living room.

“No.” I told him. It was the truth. I wasn't ready. Could I ever be ready?

I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to cry. My chest felt tight and I was anxious. I had seen Sam the night before and could barely look at him. I resented him for this ultimatum. Give up my baby, or never hold him again? Never fall asleep with my head on his chest again, drifting into unconsciousness with his heartbeat as my comfort? Never walk into his office with sly eyes and bad intentions again? Never slip into cold silk sheets to press against his warm body again?

It was that, or keep the baby. Raise it alone, with no money. What kind of life could I give my baby with no support? With no help from anyone? With no way to pay for things it needed? What kind of quality of life would the baby have?

“We don't have to go. It's your choice.” Daniel reminded me.

“Come on.” I said. I followed him to his car. I felt cold over my entire body. This didn't feel right.

We got to the clinic. I sucked in a deep breath and felt my heartbeat in my chest, in my neck, and in my ears. A lump developed in my throat. I wanted to vomit, which was normal from the pregnancy. Daniel looked at me and waited for my lead. I opened the car door and stepped out, he followed. As we walked in, he squeezed my shoulder.

I checked in and received a clip board with a questionnaire on it. I filled out my name, my birth date, my medical history and information about the pregnancy. I handed it back to the receptionist who promised to call me back soon. I took a seat next to Daniel. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My head was spinning. I was trying to disconnect my emotions, but I couldn't.

“Mrs. Tarner?” A nurse said as she came through the door. I gulped and stood up. “Just an ultrasound right now sweetie.” She said, apparently sensing my nerves.

We went back to a small room with an ultrasound machine. I got onto the bed and lifted up my shirt to expose my stomach.

“Do you want to see?” She asked me.

“Yes, please.” I said.

We watched the baby move around on the screen. My heart sank. The baby's heart – clearly visible – was beating. It was moving the small limbs it had developed in nine weeks time.

“Can I change my mind?” I abruptly blurted out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't get rid of my baby. I loved it already. I thought about all of the nights I laid awake praying Sam would come around and want the baby. I thought about all the songs I had sang out loud quietly for the baby in just the few short days I'd known I was pregnant. I thought about all the things I said in my head, talking to the baby, thinking it could somehow hear my thoughts. It didn't matter if Sam didn't want the baby. I did. That was enough.

“Of course. You can change your mind now, and change it again and come back. No one is forcing you – this is YOUR decision and if you aren't sure, don't do it.” The nurse said.

“I can't do it. I want the baby.” I told her.

“That's your choice honey. Do you want these pictures to take with you?” She said.

“Yes.” I took them from her, grateful for her kindness and encouragement. She led me to the waiting room, and handed my folder to the receptionist while whispering to her that I had changed my mind.

Daniel looked up at me as I entered the waiting room again. He looked confused. I mouthed 'let's go' and he followed me into the parking lot.

“That fast?” He asked.

“No. I couldn't do it. I changed my mind. I'm keeping the baby. I want it.” I told him.

“Well, let me take you home then.” He said. We walked to his car in silence.

“You think I'm an i***t, don't you? You think I can't take care of a baby?” I accused.

“No. I'm proud of you, Kassie. I'm very happy that you made a decision on your own that feels right for you and not for Sam.” He said.

“He didn't even text me today to check in.” I whispered, staring down at my phone. “I'm going to the office.”

Daniel didn't say a word. I called Jasmine on the way.

“I couldn't do it. I walked out. I'm keeping the baby.” I cried into the phone.

She said she was happy for me and she would be there for me every step of the way and would help however she could. She apologized for not being here now. I ended the conversation as we pulled into the parking lot of S&J Law Firm.

I walked up to Sam's office, pulled the cash he had given me out of my purse.

He smiled when he saw me. I entered his office and shut the door, silently handing him the envelope.

“What's this?” He asked.

“The money. I didn't go through with it. I'm keeping the baby.” I said. “I'm sorry.”

“That's your choice? You'd rather have it than me?” He sneered. I nodded. “Here, keep this.” He said, handing me the envelope back. He began writing another check, but I couldn't tell for what. “Take this too. My contribution, don't speak to me again. Pretend we never happened. Pretend you don't even know me. I'll do the same.” He said.

“Sam...”

“Don't. You chose this.”

“I know. Is it okay if I take some time off? Work from home?”

“Oh. Yes. Take whatever time you need, always. Email me and let me know a few days in advance or call in an emergency. Time off and a check, that's my part of this. Don't ask me for more.” The check was for $15,000.

“I won't. Thank you. I do love you, Sam. But I love this baby, I love it more than I ever thought possible. I saw it's little heart beating and arms moving. How could I? After that?” 

"Bye Kassie. You can leave."

I did. My heart broke into a million pieces.