Chapter Nine - Pain
825 Words
A knock came at my door.
“Kassie. Let me in now. You shouldn't be alone.” Daniel yelled through the door.
I begrudgingly obliged.
“Here. This will get something in your stomach and help your nausea.” Daniel said, handing me a smoothie. “You haven't been to work in two weeks or answered my calls. Have you even seen a doctor for the baby? What have you eaten?”
“I've been snacking. I go next week to the doctor. I've been working from home a little. Sam has been happy to let me.”
“Wow – how unbelievably kind. Let the girl you ditched after knocking her up have some lenience at work.” He rolled his eyes.
“Why didn't he love me, Dan?” I asked.
“I don't know, Kassie. It's his loss. You have to remember that.”
“I knew we weren't going to last forever. Like, in my head, I knew that. I knew that eventually I would have to move on. I couldn't date a married guy forever, even if it was ethical non-monogamy. I knew we would either break up or I would share him for years and years and eventually... what? Take him from his wife and daughter to have him to myself? He said it himself, they agreed they wouldn't have kids with anyone else. What did HE expect? Hell... what did I expect? To be childless? I knew it deep down the whole time but I pretended I was wrong because I loved him” I said.
The truth was, I had been wrestling my decision since I made it. In the clinic, looking at my baby, I was so sure I had made the right choice. I thought then that there was nothing I wouldn't do to protect it. I would go through the pain of losing Sam if it meant my baby was safe and healthy. It was easy, then.
Now was different. The pain was emotional and physical. I walked around every day feeling unsettled, out of place. There were times I felt like I couldn't keep going. I laid awake late into the night, struggling to breathe from anxiety. I wanted Sam, I wanted to sleep on his chest like I had every night for months. I wanted to sleep with his arm wrapped around me, pulling me in close to him, warm and peaceful. I knew that my relationship with him wasn't healthy. The way I got attached to him so quickly made that obvious. I woke up in the morning and had a new punch to the gut every time there was no message from him on my phone. My phone going off with any other name sent another jab to the heart. I thought about him constantly.
“I know it's easy to say that, but harder to think that.” Daniel interrupted my thoughts.
“It is. I miss him.”
“When my wife left... I thought I would never get over it. Every day felt wrong. I spent all of my time wishing I could go back, change this, change that. Wondering if she would have stayed if I did this or that better. It was hell.”
“When did you feel better?”
“Sometimes, I still don't.”
“I want to go to HR.” I said.
I had considered it several times. My boss pursued me, got me pregnant, and left. I was angry. I didn't want to go to work and look at his face all the time. I didn't want to see him talk to other girls. I didn't want to see him laughing like nothing happened while I was crushed.
“On what grounds?” Daniel asked.
“He's my boss. He pursued me, he had s*x with me. That's against the rules.” I said.
“HR isn't going to buy that.”
“I have an entire fetus to prove it.” I said, pointing to my stomach.
“They'd find something to fire you for before they fired him. His name is in the title of the law firm. He's kind of a big deal. Why don't you just come back to accounting? I can look out for you and you wouldn't see him nearly as much.”
“No offense... I'm barely making it now. I couldn't go back to my accounting ceremony.”
“What if I match your salary?”
“Could you?”
“What is it?”
I told him.
“OK. No. Probably not. I can ask.” Daniel laughed.
“I appreciate you.”
“Can I take you to get dinner?” He asked.
“I don't want to throw up in a restaurant.” I groaned.
“Let's go to my place. I can make chicken and rice, should be bland enough to stay down.”
"That sounds amazing."
- Writer
