Let the Light Begin

        You cannot tell if you really are in the world of darkness. Walking on the path on my own is gloomy, but I easily hide the pain in my smile. I don't complain about my life; I know that everything has a reason. I always think that maybe there's a person who needs to be happy. That's why my happiness is sacrificed. I am lucky enough that there is still someone taking care of me, and for me, it is enough.         My dad always told me, "You need to be brave; you will encounter different battles in life that only you who can resolve." My father had lots of words of wisdom. I am still a four-year-old child and can finally understand what he was able to say. He is very famous and everyone is looking up to him. He is a severe and well-mannered person, but he is one of a kind, the softest person I know.  Someone said that he is a scary one, not just because of our name but because of his aura. And we are not alike; I am a type of transparent person. they cannot see me as the next generation of Guillaume because of my personality. My dad never pressured me on how I act, I am just a child enjoying myself, but the people surround me to keep reminding me that I should act as Guillaume. I have at least a memory of my dad before he died; every after his paperwork, we escape and went to a park.           I always sat on a swing, which is my favorite spot in the garden, and he pushes me, laughing and enjoying the park.  No one will see us and judge us; it was peaceful. I don't need to act that I am not. He said, "You are my peace in my messy world, Annie. Always remember you don't need to change yourself for the sake of others. You just need to follow what your heart says." He teaches me how to be independent as if he knows what my future going to happen. When my dad died, someone told me that I don't look like my father. Maybe I am from another man just because they don't like my mom to be part of the family. Everyone is talking in front of me about it as if I can't understand them because I am just a seven-year-old girl. My mom never talks back; she raised me and didn't look back for help with others. She is really a strong woman. I have plenty of memories with my mom, and for me, it is the best memory that I cannot forget no matter what; Her beautiful voice is my lullaby. She laughs as I make a joker's face; our bond is not just for the mother-daughter thing but as a friend who I can rely on. But suddenly, someone took her from me. All the memories are shattered just like a mirror that is broken into pieces. I keep asking myself, what did I do to feel this way? Am I not good enough? Am I not worthy of happiness? It was the first day of my class. She came to fetch me to have ice cream and talk about my first day in high school. She wants me to tell some stories about high school since she didn't go to high school.           We were just enjoying our ice cream, and suddenly I saw blood on the road. I remember what my mom said before she died "I will always be your side, Annie," caressing my face, wiping my tears. At that moment, I suddenly don't know how to talk back. I have lots of what-ifs that day. I wanted to tell more stories. I wanted to come home and tell you more. I miss her touch and laugh. I am still dreaming about her smiling face. I can still smell her perfume while hugging me. All those memories keep on running on my mind... I wanted to forget, but every time it comes to my mind, how can I forget my mother's love.         The pain that I have is too much to handle. It feels like I am running on a path that never ends. I keep running and running and slowly losing breathe. When will this path be going to be an end? Living without a mom and dad is the most painful that can encounter in life; it was like half of your life taken. I cannot make another memory with them. They can’t see me married or have a child. And what more painful is that I keep remembering the memory of happiness with them, sad joy. I can never go back to the past, and to continue my present, I needed to be tough not just for myself but also for the people who keep holding me. I always wear this smile for them not to worry. I wanted to see myself as their happiness. I wanted to be there when they feeling lonely. I don't want them to feel what I am feeling.         I don't want to see them struggling just because my life is. If I am their source of happiness, I am willing to set aside myself for them. I don't want another person that I love will be taken from me, and if that day happens, I will assure that I am living with that person as most full happiness. As my grandma said, "Happiness is a choice, not a result.' I am the one who controls my life; I am the one who can choose my happiness. And now, my joy is depending on the satisfaction of the others. What if I choose my own happiness? Is it really worth it? How about someone's happiness? Do I need to consider it? So much to ask, but hard to act. Until someone helped me to find the light path. Little did I know I am really in darkness hiding in someone's light. Now, I can finally say, "Let the light begin...'