Sleepless Nights(Tagalog)

Lumaki ako sa mga kwento-kwento tungkol sa kung ano-anong nagtatago sa dilim. Our elders always told us stories about what's lurking behind those bushes, trees or the forests every night. A few of them came from our ancestors passed by generations and some even claimed that it was from their own life experience. But as we grew old, we came to understand that not every story is true. Some of them are just their way to make sure we're all inside our house by the time the dark falls, or for us to have a second's thoughts before wandering at night. But in my case, stories or no stories. I'm always afraid of the dark for an unknown reason.. I remembered I always cower behind those blankets once the oil lamp runs out and the hairs of my body always stand when the glow of the moon peeks through from the gap on my windows. There's something in the dark for me.. specially when the moon is in its fullness.. And I find it ironic because my name is Selena.. But look at me now, walking under the light of the bluemoon that radiates the quiet street and my only companion is the hush of the cold wind and the misty fog that blurs my surroundings, unafraid... Siguro dahil kung ubos na ubos kana ay wala ka ng maramdaman kahit ano kundi ang tapusin lahat para makahinga ka na ng maluwag. "Hey." I called the person sitting on the ground under the beautiful huge tree enough for him to hear and look up. He stared at me for a few more seconds before standing fast and came to me,"Selena! you're here! I-i thought I'm still dreaming," he said cupping my face. Agad akong humakbang paatras kaya naiwan sa ere ang dalawa nitong kamay at napansin ko rin ang pagkagulat sa mukha nito. I hug myself when the strong wind blew passed us. I look up to see how huge the blue moon tonight. yes it was blue, in our City it was just a common occurrence. Napatingin din ako sa paligid at parang pinupunit ang dibdib ko sa sakit ng maalala ang mga pinagsamahan namin sa lugar na ito. It was our favorite park. "Adi told me that you're always here every night and. . . this needs to stop," sabi ko ng hindi pa rin tumitingin ng diretso sa kanya. "Sel, I-i really don't know what happened to me! I'm a f*cking i***t! and there was never a day that I didn't regret it, please forgive me. . .I love--" "I'm mad at you Jav," I said, cutting him off. "I know you are and you have all the right to babe, what I did was--" "Unforgivable?" I slightly smile but I'm sure that the pain in my eyes is very visible. "Because that's what I felt right now, That I can't forgive you," dugtong ko ng diretsong nakatingin sa kulay kayumanggi nitong mga mata na minsan ng nagpabilis ng t***k ng puso ko. "No! Sel please. . . I can't lose you! Y-you're my everything. Y-you're the only one that's keeping me insane!" his voice cracked and kneel in front of her. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa biglaang ginawa nito. The Javi Jacques I knew would never ever gave up a fight and not the one who would kneel in front of someone. "Jav get up!" sabi ko ng hindi pa rin makapaniwala sa ginawa nito. I held his two strong arms and tried to lift him up from the ground but he wouldn't budge. "Sel. . . I can't lose you please.." he begged, still kneeling. Parang nilulukamos sa sakit ang puso ko dahil sa ginagawa niya. Hindi ko pa siya nakita na ganito ka desperado. "Javi! what you are doing right now is a complete manipulation!" I can't help but shout in agitation. I'm starting to waver and this is not good. Alam kong kapag tumagal pa ito ay hindi ko na matutupad ang ilang linggo ng pagpapatibay ko sa sarili para lang sa desisyong ito. He's my weakness and this needs to stop too. I feel him froze for a second and quickly get up while shaking his head. "No! no! Sel, I'm not trying to manipulate you! I'll never do such a thing!" he said, still shaking his head like he's trying to convince himself. "Then listen to me," I calmly said before sitting under the tree and lean on it like I used to. We sometimes stayed here to run away from everyone's eyes. He then followed and sat next to me. This nature park is walking distance from my house. Malayo sa mataong lugar kung saan maraming mata. Napakaganda ng lugar na ito lalo na tuwing hapon kung saan maraming namamasyal. Malawak at puno ng iba’t-ibang punong kahoy kung saan pwede kang pumitas ng bunga at bilhin para sa pundo ng mas lalong pagpapaganda ng park. Marami ring greenhouse na pwede mong pasukan para tumingin ng iba’t-ibang uri ng bulaklak. Dito sa park na ito ako umu-o bilang girlfriend niya at mukhang dito rin magtatapos. "I was a sick orphan kid when we first met, do you remember?" pagsisimula ko at bahagyang tumingin sa kanya sa gilid ng nakangiti. "I always throw tantrums and don't want to talk to anyone," pagpapatuloy ko at tumawa ng bahagya. Those laughs leave a bitter taste on my mouth. "That's why your father was having a hard time treating me when my illness flared up. He used to say 'you remind me of my son' everytime na nagmamatigas ako," I glanced at him again and saw a tear rolled down on his cheek, "that's why I was curious about you." I never told him about this, kung paano ang pag iisip pa lang sa kanya ay nagbigay na sa akin ng lakas na maging matapang. Kung bata ka ay mag u-umpisa ang paghanga mo sa mga napapanood o nakikita mo sa tv. It would sometimes start in superheroes because we’re always in awe of how cool their superpowers are. Next, is Idols, especially celebrities and then your first real crush. But in my case, Javi is my superhero, Idol, first crush and as of late, my world. "How are you like me? Are you lonely too? Or are you being bullied too? You cannot be an orphan because Dr. Jacques is your father. Those are my questions until the very day I finally met you that I got to know you. . ." "Sel, i-if this is goodbye? I can't--" his voice cracked, stopping him from speaking and immediately looked away. "Jav, you taught me things that help me a lot, you always protected me and taught me how to stand up for myself. You made me realize that even though I don't have parents I'm still loved and I made wonderful friends because of you." sabi ko ng hindi makatingin sa gawi niya. The night is getting colder and my uncovered skin starting to moist. Napaka Tahimik ng parkeng ito ngayong gabi. Mga kuliglig at ibang insekto lang ang maririnig mo sa paligid. I hug my knees to protect myself from the cold that's crawling to every part of my body. "I've been a mess for months, Jav. . . Thinking about what went wrong?" I said as I cleared my throat. Bumalik na naman ang parang toneladang nakadagan sa dibdib ko. Napag isipan kong tumayo para makahinga ng maluwag dahil sa paninikip ng dibdib ko. " There are days that I blame myself and days that I run to your house because I want the pain to stop and tell you that let's just forget it! And went back to the way things were," My heart starts to ache again when I remember those days. Akala ko ay kaya ko na pagkatapos ng tatlong buwan mukhang hindi pa pala. "Sel, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for hurting you," tumayo din siya at nagbalak na lumapit sa akin pero umiwas ulit ako. "You just left! and lola is so disappointed yet still helps me to cope up. She tried to understand me and I feel guilty that she never gets angry at me," Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili kong umiyak ulit. I pour everything out and I wasn't able to protect myself when he hugged me and pressed his lips on my forehead like he usually did everytime I’m sad or upset. His masculine smell, his hard chest, his strong arms, it was all the same. Akala ko ay pag nakita at nayakap ko siya ay kaya kong kalimutan ang nangyari at bumalik ulit sa dati naming relasyon. But my feelings while hugging him tonight are void. It felt like something died inside me after that day. Hindi ko na na malayang napayakap na din pala ako sa kanya. 'Just this once' pagpapa alala ko sa sarili ko. I missed this man and still very much aware how much I still love him but it will never be the same again. "Do you know I just found out how pathetic and desperate I am for you Jav?" I murmur to let him know how much control he has over me. "And I don't like it. I didn't like it when I found out. I only felt happy when I'm with you. . ." I raise my head to look him straight in his eyes, "My happiness depends on you. . ." It was like a lightning struck on my very core when I realize it. Iyon ang napagtanto ko ng ilang buwan siyang nawala matapos nangyari yun. I felt like my world crumble when I saw him betrayed me but it was worst when he suddenly disappear. Not being able to see him gives me anxiety and plunges me in the dark. "So, please. ." I beg for my life. "Let's end this, if you think my feelings matter too.." I saw how he look defeated and tears started to flow on his eyes. Alam kong alam niya na na pinal na ang desisyon ko at hindi na mababali pa. He pressed his lips on mine and bit my lower lip like he was begging silently. I felt his body tremble. I wanted to push him away but decided to go with it for the last time. The taste is not sweet anymore katulad ng unang pinagsaluhan naming halik. Maybe because both of our tears touch our lips. "W-will you ever forgive me?" he asked when I pulled away. "I already did, for my own peace. . ." And just like that, my first love was lost under the radiant blue moon in the most special place I ever had. I thought I would hate the dark forever. I thought when the dark came all over again, I would always remember how a part of me lost that night. but I couldn't be more wrong.. Because after that night, I was able to meet him.. He who gives me comfort and takes my sanity away at the same time.. He who unravels the true me.. Who is he if you may ask? He is my.... Peter pan