A Desire to Be Solved

I pull up my pants and wipe my mouth to clean myself up. I looked over to see my cousin lying down on his side and facing away from me, with his naked body under the blankets. Without saying a word, I started to walk out the door. "Wait… don't leave yet." I stopped and thought, "Maybe he wants to play now?" I walked over to the edge of the bed, patiently waiting for him to get up and get changed so we could play. He looks towards the ceiling, noticing me closer through his peripheral, "I had a lot of fun playing with you today. But remember, only big kids can play this game. If you tell anyone, I could get in trouble, and we won't be allowed to play together anymore. Keep it a secret, okay? And don't tell anyone." "Okay," I nodded. Thinking about this, I make sure to leave through the back. I walked out the door and noticed the bright, hot sun shining in my eyes and beating on my skin. I look down at my feet as I walk barefoot, with dirty toenails and a leg full of mosquito bites. As I walk around his house and towards mine, I notice the texture of the rocks with every step I take—the small, sharp pebbles to the large, soft stones — I try my best to skip the ones that hurt me extensively. I started to think about what it's like being in Mexico. My dad, Parker, makes sure to bring my mom, Helen, my brother, Parker, who also goes by Junior, and myself, to Mexico once a year on a family vacation. We visit the Village of Tecolapa during the winter when my brother and I are on break from school and my dad's offseason from work since the rain floods the farm. My uncle also works with him so his family also has the routine of coming once a year, which honestly makes it fun because my cousin Ronald (whose dad is also Ronald), his brother Abe, and his two older sisters, Julie and Lina, come along. It's fun to hang around other people who speak English. When we're here, we're usually always together. We go on long walks and explore the village and its land. After all, this is where my family history is from; my parents, their siblings, and my grandparents were all raised here and is also where everyone got married. Everyone had an upbringing here, so there's a lot of history. As you can see, our family tree is huge! My great-grandma had 4 siblings and 6 children of her own. Each of my great-grandma's children got married and have about 8-9 kids each and is now getting to the point where their kids are have kids, bringing it to my generation with my brother and cousins. And the same applies to the family on my mom's side. There are all these people surround me, but i still feel so alone. "Jason!" I looked around. "Jason! I've been looking everywhere for you, son. Where were you this whole time? "I was just playing with Gio, but he got tired and went to sleep." "Oh, Gio! I haven't had the chance to see him since we first got here. I'm glad you had fun. How is he? I think his mom told me he's getting ready to start high school." "Everything is good, dad" I smiled, with my head down. I think about what Gio told me and make sure to cover for him. "It's burning hot! Are your little sasquatch feet okay? How's your brother doing?" "He's still at the park with Ronald and his friends. He didn't want me to go," I mentioned in frustration. "That kid. I'll make sure I talk about letting you go with him. What are you going to do then?" "I don't know. I'll probably just read or play with the dogs." I shrug. "Okay, kiddo. Well, I'm out back chatting with your uncles. You can come out with us and sit by me if you want?" I stay quiet He kneels to me and rubs my shoulder. "We're only here for a couple more weeks. Have fun, okay? We won't be back for another year." I nod. "I love you, son. Remember that I'm here if you need me." I kissed him on the cheek, "I love you too, dad." * * * * * * I finished making breakfast for Jason and Parker and sat down to eat with them. "What are you all doing today?" I asked. "I'm going to the park with Ronald; we're going to play soccer with some other kids," Jason says. "Can I have some money to buy some food at the store?" "Of course, you can! Are you going to need some too, Jason? I'm sure you'll get thirsty and hungry with all that running." I see them pause and face each other in silence. After a short moment, Jason looked down at his plate. "I'm fine, dad. If I get hungry, I can just come back." "Just make sure you take some water with you." One by one, we all finished eating. Before leaving the kitchen, I grab the plates and place them in the sink. As we're about to leave, Helen comes in, in a bitchy mood. "I come in here, and all you leave for me are dishes to clean! You can't even wait for me to finish eating before you all leave!" She screams. "You were taking a while. I left your food in the microwave, and the boys are getting ready to go play." I said, contradicting her statement. "Play, play, play, that's all everyone wants to do. But when it comes to me, I'm left with f*****g cold leftovers, breakfast by myself, and a fuckload of dishes to wash! When do I get to play?" We all stare at her, absolutely clueless. I turned over to the boys and told them, "You boys, go on ahead. I'll help your mother". As they walk off outside, I hear Parker tell Jason, "Hey, why don't you go over to Giovanni's house and see if he wants to play soccer. If he doesn't want to, just stay with him. We don’t want you to play with us." Aggressively, Helen shouts, "Am I going to have to eat a plate of cold-ass food, or should I eat the leftovers in the trash?" I rolled my eyes and turned around to reheat the food on the stove and then watched her eat. Our conversations consisted of nothing but complaints, gossip, and how irritated she is by all the mosquitos. "It is Mexico. We come once a year to make the best out of it. It's our vacation." She looks at me in disgust. "Well, now that you're all done, I'm going outside with everyone to have a drink and continue catching up," I said in relief. "It's 9 am, and you're already drinking?" "We're on vacation," I said, walking away. I sat down and popped open a Modelo with everyone. Next thing you know, I'm 8 Modelo bottles in and having a great time. We all spend hours conversing about stuff in California, relatives, work, cracking jokes about the s**t that Jerry, my brother, got into before he got deported. "Your kids are getting so big! How old are they again, 8 and 12?" Jerry asks. "9 and 13! Close." I corrected him. "Time's flying. I remember when they were firstborn." "Oh, I think we all remember when they were first born, especially Jason. I can't believe you only found out, what, last year?" "Yeah. Last year." I confirm. "Speaking of which, it's 4 pm now, the sun's beating, and they've been out for a while." I got up from my chair, keeping my balance and keeping myself from falling over. "Okay, I'm good!" I said to myself. "Damn, Peter! It looks like you need another Modelo!" He jokes, reaching for another. "Ahh, f**k it. Pop one open for me. Let me go and make sure these kids don't have a heat stroke." I walk inside and check each room one by one. Bathroom? Nope. Bedroom? Nope. Kitchen? Nope. "Where are these damn kids?" I whisper as I start walking outside. "Jason!" I saw him look around. "Jason! I've been looking everywhere for you, son. Where were you this whole time? He approaches me. "I was just playing with Gio, but he got tired and went to sleep." "Oh, Gio! I haven't had the chance to see him since we first got here. I'm glad you had fun. How is he? I think his mom told me he's getting ready to start high school." "Everything is good, dad" I saw his little smile. "It's burning hot! Are your little sasquatch feet okay? How's your brother doing?" I asked, concerned. "He's still in the park with Ronald and his friends. He didn't want me to go." He mentioned, frustrated. "That kid. I'll make sure to give him a talk about letting you go with him." I exclaimed. "What are you going to do then?" He shrugs, "I don't know. I'll probably just read or play with the dogs." "Okay, kiddo. Well, I'm out back chatting with your uncles. You can come out with us and sit by me if you want?" He stayed quiet. I kneeled to him and rubbed his shoulder. "We're only here for a couple more weeks. Have fun, okay? We won't be back for another year." He nods. "I love you, son. Remember that I'm here if you need me." He leans over and kisses my cheek, "I love you too, dad."