YOU WILL BE MY BANE

LOVE SUCKS

A.

Sleep eludes me tonight. I twist and turn on my bed as I try to make sense of Uncle Brutus's tragic tale but I can't.

It is by the first light of dawn that I begin to feel sleepy. I sleep and I wake up late. I don't go to church. Uncle Ekene and his family have gone to church when I go to the kitchen to get breakfast.

I open the fridge and take a bottle of coca cola, f**k eating healthy. I could be killed anytime soon if these traitorous feelings persist.

I help myself from the pot of Ukwa aunty Ifeoma cooked last night. I sit at the dining room and I begin to eat. I look at my hand and I see your watch. I didn't remove it last night before I slept.

I run my fingers around the designs on the metallic wrap and reality dawns on me;

Either I love you immensely or I am obsessed with you. But is there really a difference between the two? Love and obsession?.

I check my phone for messages and I see none. Well, none from you.

I see a message from a strange number.

"Hey Nay Nay, So I got your number from my brother's phone last night. I like, totally would love to get a pizza with you too, love Diana"

"...With you too?" Did I ask her out for Pizza? Isn't she 16? I delete the message and draw in a fresh breath of air.

The day passes by slowly like a sluggish tortoise trying to cross a highway. You don't call or text me. Berry doesn't call too. I feel ambivalent-happy-that I won't betray you again with her-sad-that I might have ruined my only chance of telling her about the real me.

My father calls me in the evening, he tells me that Sarah asked about me when he spoke with her yesterday. "She can't wait to see you. I sent her mother a picture of you to show Sarah and she was just gushing over you" he says.

I am torn. I'm going to end up like the Catechist in Uncle Brutus's story. Trapped in a loveless marriage and dating a man on the side. And when I'm caught, I'd deny him and lie that he was trying to r**e me.

I don't sleep well again. I wake up on Monday morning feeling so tired and weak. I hate the world because I still feel this way about you. I look at your watch and it looks back at me.

Won't you take me back? It whispers in my ear.

I go to work and you are there in your office with a client.

You are in your royal blue shirt and your black trouser. You are looking at the busty woman in front of you with every attention you can muster.

I have dreams, I have goals. I can't keep them on hold while I burn for you. I can't watch from the sidelines, dying and longing to have you when I Know that it can't be possible.

B.

Afternoon comes and you ask me to join you for lunch as usual. You tell me about the things you and Farah did few nights ago. You feel like you like her but you love Berry.

"With the way that girl is going, I think I might fall for her too" You tell me.

I look at You and I am gut punched. How is it that I still want you this much? This is not healthy. I have to tell you, I have to let you know.

Then I remember Icarus, I remember Uncle Brutus and I remember your words last night and my heart fails.

Why do I feel this way about you? Six months ago I might not have an answer to this question but now? Right now?

I could tell you that there are a hundred reasons why I love you and I would be lying.

No, there are a thousand reasons why I love you, But it will take forever to mention them all.

You are like a ribald beautiful piece of poem discovered on a rainy and lonely night. And even though I am normally into prose, comedy and drama, I won't mind reading you over and over again until your pages are ruffled like wet sheets under the rain.

I think of your dreamy eyes each waking moment. I think of how enchanting they are and how fascinated they leave me.

With each gust of wind, I remember your smell, Like early fresh autumn leaves dancing in the morning sunlight.

I sometimes wish I can get lost in the warmth of your soothing embrace and forget about every problem life throws my way.

Most days the thought of your warm luscious lips send recurrent shivers down my spine and tell every receptors in my skin to erupt into tiny firm goosebumps.

How do you do it; Make me long for you and when you are gone, leave me wanting for more?

Like a bold truth, I feel like I must tell you to the world.

Like a beautiful emotion, I feel like I must express you.

I'm sorry if my words sound dramatic or cheesy that's just how intoxicated I am with love, with You.

Last night was supposed to be a horrible awakening for me, telling me why you are the villain in our love story but I can't seem to hate you.

I feel this urge to understand you. You loved Brutus, you looked up to him. He was like a hero to you and everyone of us thinks our heroes are perfect.

You must have been crushed when you saw him being stripped naked and stoned to death. You had to convince yourself that he was a good person who was misled and lured into homosexuality.

Your tiny little mind won't dare to think that maybe he has always been that way even before he left for America. You felt he was corrupted by infidels, tainted by the abominable outcasts, outcasts like me.

I wonder how you would feel when you come to the painful realization that the thing you hate most in life has been sitting across the table from you for the past six months.

Maybe I would have understood you if I didn't feel this way about you. Maybe I would have understood why you feel it is disgusting to be loved by a man.

"Got any plans for Christmas?" You ask me.

"I...I want to apply for Scholarships abroad" I tell you and you look at me quickly.

"Abroad?" You ask bemused.

"Yeah, Abroad" I tell you.

"Why do you want to leave Nigeria? It's a beautiful country" You say.

I smile.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Of course you would think it is a beautiful country. You don't have to live in perpetual fear that one day a small mistake, a slip of tongue or the wrong choice of clothing can end your life.

It doesn't help that I get to feel this way about you and I can't even tell you.

"I..I..want to experience other countries, other cultures" I tell you. You are sad.

"Will you ever come back?" You ask me.

I don't answer. I am lost in thought. I have been having thoughts of applying to graduate programs outside the country. The only way I can fight this unhealthy thing I feel for you is to leave the country.

I can't tell you how I feel and if I can't be with you, I have to find a way to stay away from you.

If pop is bouyant enough now, I would have left the shores of this country a long time ago. I cannot continue to feel this way about a person who does not give a rat's ass about me. A person who would no sooner stone me to death than reciprocate my affections.

"It's alright. I just tend to feel weird when my friends tell me they're traveling. I understand why you have to do this. It's great man, you won't spend your whole life at the firm. It's good to have plans for the future" You say.

I look at you and it dawns on me; You have abandonment issues. Did it start with Uncle Brutus? Even your two best friends and your two brothers are all outside the country.

Did it start with Brutus? But he died, he didn't move away.

Oh, if only Brutus knew the effect his death had on you, he would have made better life choices.

We finish our meal in silence and we get back to the firm.

As we step out of the elevator, You turn to me, "Yeah, um, mom said to invite you for Christmas dinner, she's hoping to hook you up with one of my cousins. She probably thinks you are loaded with cash" You say as a sad smile races across your face.

"It's okay if you can't come" You add. Are you sad that I might leave soon? what is happening? do you feel about me the way I feel about you? okay, I am confused right now Yemi.

What is going on in your mind?!

"Oh, I will be there" I say and You give me a thumbs up.

"Well, I know Diana would go crazy if you did come" You say and I laugh. You head to your office and I watch you walk away.

Diana or You? This is ridiculous, I am reaching again.

My heart beat doubles with each step you take farther away from me.

I sit at my cubicle and stare at You in your glass office. Your puppy eyes are ensnaring.

You look like a toddler whose old wounds have been opened.

Is this why you never let people close to You? You are afraid that they might leave You or worse, disappoint You the way uncle Brutus did.

I look at your sad eyes and a strong overwhelming urge to run You and give You a rib crushing hug, overcomes me.

What is this? A crush? No! Crushes don't last this long. Is it lust? No! Lusts aren't usually this pure.

It can't be love. But if it ain't love, why does it feel so good? f**k love! f**k Jason Derulo, f**k everyone that ever sang about love, Love f*****g sucks!

I go home and I feel sad knowing that I made You sad.

I have to get over You. I have to get my mind off of You.

I should see Doctor James, I should talk to him. The darkness is threatening to snuff out the light again.

C.

I have to get You off my mind. My mental health is important. But how do addicts get over addictions? do they just stop automatically?

NO! they replace their addictions with a more desirable and less damaging one. I have to get over you.

The only way I can do that is to replace you with another person. I have to try another guy, hopefully, a gay guy this time.

But how do I meet one? No one will knowingly admit that they are gay. Icarus did so, look at how he ended up. I lie on my bed wondering how I would meet other gays.

I go to Google. "Where do I meet gays around me?" I write.

A list of websites and ads pop up, then I see app suggestions; Tinder, Grindr, Hoeup and others.

I select Grindr and open a catfish account with a random picture I pull from i********:.

The crimes we commit when we are blinded by love, again, love sucks!

I am matched with a boy who apparently lives about 4 miles away and likes to "take it whole". Whatever that means.

The boy looks handsome and from his features, I am convinced that he is older than the 24 years he wrote as his age.

"Hey" I text him. I look at the text and suddenly I regret creating the account. I recreate stealing pictures from i********:, I regret this entire idea. I make to close the app and just then a barrage of nude images flood my space.

He sends me pictures of his phallus and his buns in weird and offensive positions, all showing his face.

"This is me, show me yourself" he writes.

I throw my phone on my bed and I draw in deep gulps of air.

"You still there??" He writes.

I should delete him, deactivate my account and delete the app. I should switch off my phone and go to sleep but I don't.

This is the first gay I have met since Icarus. I pick up my phone and I text back.

"Let's meet, I'm not comfortable sharing my pictures online" I write.

"I'm at Johnson's hotel, meet me at the bar in twenty minutes if you are really close" he writes and goes offline.

I dash towards my wardrobe and throw on a white V-neck polo and a black 'Ashawo' short.

I slip my legs into my black sneakers and I feel a cold hard metal. I pull out my feet immediately and turn the sneaker upsidedown.

An iphone falls out and I almost jump out of my skin. I look at the iPhone then I remember; Deezy, Precious Cole. I don't have time to think about this right now. I swallow hard and I put the phone into another brown sneaker.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I dash downstairs.

" Uncle Ekene, I'm going to meet my friend Yemi" I tell Uncle Ekene who is having dinner with his wife.

"Come back early" he grunts.

As the taxi races down Smith's road, I see flashes of what happened to Icarus and I swallow hard. I move forward to tell the taxi to turn back but I don't.

I should go back home. What was I thinking going to meet a total stranger in a bar? what if it were a set up? A smart person would turn back but I don't.

I have made up my mind to get You off my mind. Love is dangerous, it sucks. It got Brutus killed, it got Icarus wasted and it is turning me into a mindless drone who does nothing worthwhile but pine over you.

Fifteen minutes later, I am in the restaurant of Johnson's hotel. I look around the dimly lit room and I see a chubby black boy seated at the far corner of the bar.

I recognize him immediately and I walk towards him.

"Kingsley?" I call.

"Who the f**k are you?" He asks and sips his drink.

"I'm ValarMorghulusEvenYou99" I tell him. He laughs.

"b***h ass, did you catfish me?" He asks.

"No, it wasn't my intention. I...I haven't done this before" I plead.

"You think that I am going to believe that? I don't trust you man. You lied once, your ass is gonna lie again" He says and makes to go.

"Wait man, trust me. I was shy, I'm sorry. I should have used my real pictures" I say and he groans.

"Alright, turn your pockets out let me see what you are holding" he says and I turn my pockets out. He looks at me from head to toe.

"Well,I'm gonna forgive you because you cute in person and also because I'm bigger than you. if you misbehave, I am going to kill you. Now come on. My room is upstairs" he says and stands.

I should walk away. I have heard stories that started like this and ended horribly. I have read horror books that the characters were less creepy but they still turned out to be as evil as they come. I should turn back but I don't.

Two minutes later we are in his hotel room.

"Can I use the bathroom?" I ask.

"Knock yourself out, just save some for the action" Kingsley says and sits on the bed.

I go into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror.

Good, no one is here.

I have to make sure that this isn't a set up.

I look into the mirror and the person staring back looks like a stranger. My hair is now shorter than it was the day I was in the bathroom with you.

I take a deep breath and I walk out. I look at the door to make sure that it is locked, it is. I look towards the bed and Kingsley is butt naked.

"You clean?" He asks and I am puzzled.

"Clean? How so?" I ask.

"STDs man. Oh, you weren't lying when you said you haven't done this before. What happened? Your girlfriend ain't making it stand any more?" He asks.

.

I don't answer and he laughs.

"Say, has anyone ever told you that you look like Rome Flynn?" Kingsley asks and draws closer to me. I panic and move back a little bit.

"Who is Rome Flynn?" I ask.

"Gabriel Maddox? From How to get away with Murder? Tevin? From Raising Dion?" Kingsley says and draws closer to me as I move back.

I don't move back for long when my back hits the wall.

Kingsley touches my chin and I feel nothing. All I can think about is you. If I'm really gay, shouldn't I at least be willing to sleep with any man? Isn't that how it works?.

Kingsley moves in to kiss me and I push him away gently.

"Is something wrong? Hey I brushed my teeth before I came downstairs" he says.

"No, it's not you. It's me" I say.

He chuckles, "don't use that line on me man, we ain't dating" he says.

"I'm sorry" I tell him.

"I don't think I can do this. I'm sorry" I say and I turn the key. It opens - Thank God. I fall out into the lighted corridor and I head for the elevator.

I look at my reflection on the interior walls of the elevator and I begin to question my sanity.

How did I get here? How did it get this bad? Sneaking off to see a man in a hotel at night? I couldn't even do it right. All I can think about is You. I can't have you Yemi, I can't have you.

It is stupid to ever think that you would feel anything romantic for me. I have to accept my fate. I have to be like the Catechist in Uncle Brutus's story. I have to marry Sarah, however loveless our marriage might be at the beginning, I will definitely learn to love her as time goes on.

I can't afford to leave the country right now but I can afford to marry and move to a new state. Away from love's crippling intoxication, away from You.

The only way I can fight these frightening emotions for You is if I get married. Maybe marriage can tame these feelings, maybe marriage can help me forget about You. Maybe it can help me get perspective on life again.

It didn't help Uncle Brutus, it didn't help Icarus's paramour, it didn't help the Catechist, why I think it will work for me is beyond me. But a guy can hope, right?

In a few minutes, I'm in a taxi heading home. I bring out my phone and call my dad.

"Hey Odogwu, kee way?" He asks in his usual upbeat voice.

"I'm fine Dad. I will be returning home before thursday next week to meet Sarah" I say bitterly.

"My boy, I will be waiting" he says and I end the call and just then, as if the universe understands how I feel, it begins to rain.