YOU WILL BE MY BANE

FIFTY SHADES OF SARAH PART ONE

A.

I get home that night and I can't sleep. I try so hard to put my mind to rest and I can't. My mind wanders from Precious Cole's phone sitting pretty a few sneakers away from me to Sarah whom my father says is quite ecstatic about meeting me and back to you, Yemi.

The night wears on gradually like a pregnant turtle trying to cross a tiled room.

I sleep off eventually and for the first time in six months, I dream of you.

We are in an alternate world where Biafra has been recognized as a sovereign state and homosexuality is legalized. You and I are in love and we live in a little riverine village in Rivers state. You are a lumberjack and I am the sweet humble fisherman every villager loves.

"I gotta get to work hon, I and the other guys have to cut down the timbers in Ekweso forest. I think they want to convert it into a suburb" you say and kiss me. I look into your eyes and I see the look you have whenever you look at Berry. It is now a look reserved for me alone. I kiss you and I hug you tightly. I breathe you in and I wish this moment doesn't end, but it does. You disengage.

I get a little bit sad as the tips of our fingers separate. I look at your face, your freshly cut beards make you look like a model featured in a fall collection of Vogue magazine.

"See you later love" You say and enter your red 2003 Chevy truck. I watch you drive away and I go to the river to fish.

We are happy, I am happy. Life is perfect. The free air whips across my face, whispering words of love and freedom to my ears.

I start my fishing boat and speed into the open waters with snow white bubbles racing behind me.

I adjust my fisherman hat and pick up my net, whistling Glass Animals' Heat Wave. Then I look over the side of the fishing boat to cast my net, I catch my reflection in the water and I see Precious Cole instead of me. Her face is bloody, her right eye is closed but her left eyeball is gone. Only her socket is left.

The entire water turns to blood immediately. Darkness begins to gather in the skies above as a harsh wind begins to blow, whispering words of accusations and wrath.

Precious Cole opens her eyes immediately as a dark smile races across her decaying face, exposing a set of blackened teeth and decayed tongue. A four inch worm slithers out of her left eye socket and crawls into her left nostril. The right nostril is completely gone, part of the vomer bone is showing.

She tries to speak and a foul air escapes from her mouth. I retch and move back in the boat. The boat tilts to one side as if it wants to capsize. My heart pounds faster.

She looks at me calmly for a minute and then without warning she extends her frail and decaying hand and tries to grab me and drag me into the water.

I awake with a start with beads of sweat running down my face. I heave a sigh as my heart pounds louder than a town crier hitting his gong.

I rush into the shower and grab a hurried bath but the cold water did little to calm my racing heart and my agitated nerves.

I get to work and you are here. You seem awfully happy. What happened?

I try to talk to you each time you cross and you act like you are busy.

Are you avoiding me? Are you so scared of loosing me that you are already pretending that I have gone for my graduate program and so you won't have to feel bad when I actually do?.

In the last six months that I met you Yemi, I have learned a few things albeit subliminally.

I have learned that sometimes we think we know ourselves, we think we have everything all figured out and we think that we have a handle on our lives. Then out of nowhere and without warning, someone comes and disrupts our flow, and make us question everything we think we know about ourselves.

I thought I was a "normal" boy who occasionally liked talking to boys than girls. I thought that was "normal" until I met you that fateful morning and every suppressed emotion rose to the forefront.

If I were to plot a graph of my sexuality now Yemi, I am more than seventy percent sure that it won't be a straight line graph.

Straight people don't pine excessively for people of the same s*x, they don't dream about their male colleagues at work and wonder how their lips taste.

"Hey Nate" Tope says as she approaches my cubicle.

"Hey Tope, happy holidays" I say absentmindedly.

"Happy Holidays Nate" Tope says.

"Are you traveling? If you aren't, I have this ticket to watch a play about Falz's Child of the World" She says.

"I have to travel, I have a family affair to attend to" I say.

Yeah 'family affair' being the term for 'I want to use marriage as a means to fight my love for You, Yemi'

It is almost Christmas and I have to go home and meet Sarah, my betrothed. It's funny Yemi, that I call her my betrothed when I haven't even met her for once.

"There is this beautiful friend of mine, she has a lovely daughter, Sarah. I told her that I'd like you to marry her. Maybe if you come back home during Christmas, we will go to meet her family" Papa had said.

I have never really given much thought as to how my marital life would be but I never imagined that I will be the type to be stuck in a loveless marriage with some village girl who probably doesn't even know what a gas cooker is.

Sarah, lord, who knows how timid she might be. At least she won't be smart enough to recognize my alter ego.

"Okay, when you come back, gimme a call" Tope says and glides gracefully away.

The next day at work You walk up to me, all smiles.

"Hey Nate, you free next Friday?" You ask.

"Umm...not really. I'm traveling to the village that day" I tell you.

"Oh, it's okay man. It's just that my guys have returned from the UK and we are going out to celebrate. I wanted to Introduce you to them" You say.

"They are the craziest gees" You say as your lips draw up in an infectious smile.

Oh Yemi, I could do nothing all day but watch you smile.

"I'm going to see my pops. Maybe I'd get to see them at your mom's Christmas party" I tell you.

"Yeah sure and I told Diana that you are married. She has an unhealthy crush on you man. It's becoming worrisome" You say and I laugh.

Yeah, an unhealthy crush. I know a thing or two about unhealthy crushes.

"If I weren't such a principled man, I would have flogged her. I mean who pines so much for someone that they can't have in such an annoying manner?" You ask.

"Flog her? Ain't she a little too old for s******g?" I tell you as I try to forget the fact that your words that tried to cut me deeper than a sharp blade.

Who pines so much for someone they can't have in such a way?

Well Yemi, I am that someone.

I go home sad. Your friends are back and I might not matter anymore to you.

I remember the way you smiled as you mentioned them. I begin to wonder if your lips light up in such a way when you mention me to your friends.

Are you going to be spending more time with them now?

Will you even remember what we have passed through together in the past? Will you even bother to talk to me again about anything other than work?

Suddenly it dawns on me, maybe I have abandonment issues. What with my mom leaving I and my dad when I was just five.

No Yemi, I don't have abandonment issues. I like you, heck, I love you maybe but I don't have abandonment issues.

Maybe if I say it long enough, I will start believing it myself.

Uncle Ekene and his family are spending their Christmas in Spain. "why should we go to the village and see those depressing people who never have anything good to offer us? We will use the money and go to Spain" Aunty Ifeoma says.

"Yeah right, that's a good excuse not to go home this season" Jide replies sarcastically. He seems angrier these days and more withdrawn.

I wish I can talk to him, I wish I can ask him what is going on without implicating myself.

His father might conclude that I am the one deceiving him, giving him ideas that involve cross dressing and being snarky to his parents.

Thursday comes and I travel to meet papa.

I get home very late and papa is happy beyond measure.

"Odogwu, Odogwu!, Odogwu!" He hails me.

"Hey pops" I say as I shake him. I look around the compound, everything is in its place. It seems like his OCD is getting worse.

A pretty girl comes out of the one storey building to take my luggage.

"Odogwu, this is Oge, she is my cook and my housekeeper. She has been taking good care of me. I now have a pot belly due to the way she overfeeds me" papa teases and Oge smiles.

"Oh, Sir Obioma, It is the palm wine that you have been guzzling that is making your stomach protrude" Oge says accusatorily. Papa laughs and smacks Oge's backside as she runs into the house. It becomes blatantly obvious that it isn't only housekeeping that Oge does, she might also be doing some midnight duties for papa.

I eat and I sleep. I dream of you again. We are running through the bush, pursued by an angry mob with anachronistic clothes, torch lights, sickles and other deathly looking weapons.

Why they are after us eludes me. Who am I to question the logic of dreams. It can be meaningless as long as I am here with you.

You hold my hand as we run pass deadly wild animals, jumping over streams and climbing hills.

We might be at death's door but it is me and you against the world.

I match a hunter's snare trap and I am hurt and bleeding profusely.

"Go on without me" I tell you.

"No my love" You tell me, You cup my face with your palms and look lovingly into my eyes.

"We are one, You and I. Whatever happens, I will never leave you" You tell me.

I wake up immediately and I am sweating profusely.

Why am I dreaming about you all of a sudden Yemi?

I have to forget you, I'm going to meet Sarah today. My Sarah.

My local Sarah.

I cringe at the thought that I might have to educate her on the use of some basic amenities if we eventually get married.

I run my fingers across the metal handle of your golden Arabian watch. I pick it up and I put it on. I look at my reflection on the glass surface. I see the ghastly figure of someone struggling to overcome his demons but failing. A lump forms in my throat and I swallow hard.

I go downstairs for breakfast. Papa is already sitting in the dining table with a large newspaper spread out in front of him.

"Good morning pops" I greet.

"Morning Odogwu, sleep well?" He asks.

"Yeah" I say as I sit.

I take a spoon and begin to gobble down the Akamu in front of me. I occasionally dip the akara into the Akamu and throw it into my mouth, munching greedily.

"How's the Akara?" Papa asks still focused on the large newspaper in front of him.

"It's cool, not too dry or too oily" I say.

"Yeah, that's Oge for you. The girl does magic with her hands" he says and somehow I get the idea that we are not talking about akara. I feel nauseous.

"So, who is Yemi?' Papa asks and the akara turns into sand in my mouth.

"Um...where did you hear the name Pops?" I ask him.

"Oh, well, you were saying the name all through the night. Is he owing you money or something?" Pops ask.

"Yeah pops. Yeah. He is owing me" I say and papa shrugs, "Must have been a pretty huge sum because I could sense the depth of emotions in your voice" he says and continues with his oversized newspaper.

"You be careful of Yoruba people, those people are not to be kept as friends. You remember what Awolowo did to Ojukwu during the civil war, right? How he betrayed his trust and went back on his words? Be careful Odogwu" Pops admonishes and I nod.

He doesn't say another word until we drive to Sarah's place.

I know that I told you that my father doesn't have a car Yemi but I have always been self conscious about my father's 2004 Toyota Camry.

I remember lying to you that I can't drive. I remember lying that my father doesn't own a car.

Why did I do that? If I really wanted you to want me, shouldn't I have bragged? Shouldn't I have told you that my father owned fleets of cars?

Maybe a part of me wanted you to offer to teach me how to drive.

I run my fingers across your watch and an overwhelming urge to run away surges through me. If I do this, there is no coming back. If I give in to Sarah, there is no backing out, papa will make sure of that.

"Um..Papa, where are we? Aren't we going to Sarah's place again?" I ask papa as he drives into a compound that has a building which looks like a futuristic motel with a large compound and a large green pool by the corner.

"This is Sarah's place. Oh, her mother is loaded" pops says and words fail me as I take in the entire compound.

The building is a one storey building with 3-D designs. The Windows look like the windows of a space ship. The golden doors give it a majestic and stylish look with a dash of royalty. The tiled green walls gives off a calming and serene appearance.

Who builds such a house in the village?

A filthy rich person.

Oh Sarah, I think I might have misjudged you.