Selfish

Ch 1             I hadn’t been back to Connecticut since the night we left, almost ten years ago. My dad had been having an affair (one of many, I had later come to learn), and Mom couldn’t put up with it anymore, packing our bags angrily while he was away at work. She drove me away in our old station wagon in the early evening, before he’d arrived home. I remembered the way the sun set behind the trees as I turned to watch the house shrink out of view, the dust of our driveway creating a heavy cloud behind us.             I was only five then, about to start school. Since then, I’d lived my whole life in its neighboring state, Rhode Island. I had met my best friend and had attended my first school dance. I had taken ballet classes and learned to ride a bike. My life was here, and that’s why I couldn’t believe that after ten years, my mother was sending me back to him.             “Are you serious?!” I challenged her openly. She knew how I felt about my dad, so what reason could she have to pawn me off on him?             She sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes tightly. I noticed the corners of her lips pull down into a frown. Her long brown hair, which had been curled neatly that morning, now laid dull, matted and frizzed around her face. I pushed my lips together into a straight line, holding myself back from saying anything I might regret.             She stayed silent a few moments more before sharply inhaling and turning to face me.             “Honey, it’s just for the summer. I wouldn’t agree to this if I had any say in the matter.” She placed a hand on my shoulder, I guessed to show comfort.             Challenging her again with my eyes, I shrugged her hand away quickly. I knew my protests would not be heard, so with the threat of tears falling from my eyes, I turned my head away.             “Look,” she started. “I know how hard this must be for you.”             Doubt it.             “But we have no choice.” I heard the defeat in her voice. I knew it was the court’s decision—that there had been no discernable reason joint custody could not be arranged.             Without turning to face her, I felt the itch of a tear crawling down my cheek. Connecticut it was, then. --xx--     I’d only had three days’ notice for my sentencing. What little time I hadn’t spent packing or finishing our final testing for the school year, I’d spent with Samantha, my best and only friend. I’d promised to write her as soon as I arrived, with weekly (if not daily) updates. Any time my mother had tried to talk with me, though, it had been met with my silence.     Before I knew what had hit me, we were already on our way back to my childhood home.     The drive was taken in near silence, broken only by my mother’s persistent cough. She’d been sick through winter, and while most of her symptoms had gone, she was still clearing her throat of the virus.     When we’d apparently gotten close, (I didn’t recognize my surroundings, but the speed limit was starting to decline), I finally turned in her direction. Her knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel, and her eyes red from fatigue, I softened my gaze and lowered my eyes to the floor. I hadn’t stopped to think what it would be like for her to face him again. I knew she’d seen him in court, but there had been other lawyers and judges to mediate. Although my mom was comfortable in a courtroom, I questioned why she had represented herself. Maybe if she had let someone else take over, she wouldn’t have lost, and I wouldn’t be here. “I love you, Mom,” I suddenly blurted out! The sudden break in silence seemed to startle her, and a strange labored sob escaped her lips. She pulled to the side of the road and put her had against the steering wheel, her body shaking as she finally let herself cry. My cheeks flushed in embarrassment and guilt. How could I have kept those words from her? Selfish. As she calmed her breathing and straightened in her chair, she offered me a weak smile and lowered her eyes again. “I love you, too, honey.” Her words were so soft, I had to strain to hear her. I imagined she was trying to hold back more tears. She cleared her throat loudly and fixed herself in the rear-view mirror before merging back onto the road. I again faced the window.  As we made our way again toward the house, we fell back into silence. I heard the crunching of the dirt road beneath our tires and knew we had arrived. I turned to look out the windshield and met an unfamiliar sight. I imagined the house's red bricks to match those from the photos I'd seen so many times before. Instead, the bricks had been painted over white; a stone pathway led to a white gazebo and what could have been a small pond off to the right; many blooming flowers lined the house; butterflies and birds fluttered around the bird bath, which glistened in the late afternoon sunlight. The many trees that had once surrounded the house were gone. Not even stumps left behind their wake, they must have been removed years ago. I was snapped back to reality when I noticed a man stood in the opening doorway, who I knew to be my father. I recognized them only from photos, although his hair seemed lighter and it looked as though he had gained some weight--enough to fill out his cheeks. My mother was out of the car before I knew what was happening. I heard her door slam and watched her approach the house quickly. Without making out the words, I heard them arguing.  Already.  Their muffled voices through the windshield made my eyes glaze over. Why are they doing this? I took this opportunity to slowly and quietly open the door and slide out of the passenger's seat. There was nothing to shield me from their view, but it seemed they were too distracted to notice as I made my way through the trees that still lined the property. I started to run. I didn't know where I was going or what I was trying to do, but I knew I wanted to be as far from here as possible. I tried to find the main road, following the turns I could vaguely remember. I hadn't been paying attention. Was it a right or a left at the big church? I decided to turn left. There were only woods on either side, the road sloping downward. I turned around to go the other way, where I was met with more unfamiliar trees. Was all of Connecticut a forest? I turned again, hoping to go now in the direction of the house, but now I'd become so disoriented, I couldn't find my bearings. The sun had started to set. I tried to imagine the way it had set the night we left. Why had I done this? Closing my eyes tightly, I pictured the house’s orientation now. With the sun setting in front of me, I should be facing the new gazebo. I made my way to the corner of the street, walking much slower now, trying to catch my breath. It would help if I could remember if I had turned to go West or East once I’d left the driveway. How long had I been running? I fell to the ground, my legs feeling weak. When had I started crying? --xx-- “Lizard?” I jumped at the deep voice. My eyes met two bright headlights. It was dark now and my eyes already felt raw. I could see the outline of a tall figure approaching me, and I scrambled to my feet. I hadn’t even heard the car pull up. “What?” I questioned quietly to myself. Had he said ‘lizard?’ “Halloway?” His voice was strong, and his clarification startled me. I frowned, recalling that the kids in elementary school had called me Lizard, but that had been in Rhode Island. Squinting harder, I tried to find recognition in the darkness. I could tell it wasn’t my dad. This man was much younger. I eyed him suspiciously. He chuckled and apologized. “It’s me, Jimmy Shea.” He paused. “I don’t know if you remember me…” he trailed off, bringing his eyes to the ground and his hand to the back of his neck. As my eyes began to adjust, I noticed his full lips and his hard jawline. Recognition settled when I saw the scar which cut through his right eyebrow, settled over his two big, searching eyes. Jimmy. He'd been our neighbor, I thought. I knew he was in some of the photo albums, too. He was a bit older than me, and I had a vague memory of chasing him through the yard and between the trees. He’d fallen and split his eyebrow on a protruding tree root, yet I had been the one crying. "I heard you were coming back to town," he started again. I realized my mouth was hanging open rudely. I closed my lips together and nodded. "Uh, yeah, I just got in today, but--" "What are you doing out here in the dark?" He raised his eyebrows in amusement. "I..." I felt heat creep up into my cheeks. Not only was I now facing my embarrassment, I was now left in the dark, alone with a strange man. "Nevermind,” he shook his head. “Are you okay?" “I should get home, " I declared, walking quickly in a random direction. I'd gotten a few paces away before he jogged to catch up, easily falling in stride with my pace. "Lizard--" "Liz," I corrected. "Liz,” he nodded thoughtfully. “Um. You do know you're going the wrong way?" I turned on my heels and started in the other direction. "Of course, I know. I just..." The excuses failed to come. I was digging myself a grave of deeper embarrassment when he chuckled and offered me a ride.  Until then, I hadn’t noticed the pain in my legs. I felt my ankles threatening to give in. I had run too hard and my shins were complaining at the contact of the hard road. Relenting, I silently agreed, and slipped into the passenger seat of his car. He'd turned down the music to talk again. "What were you doing back there?" I gave in and decided to answer. "I felt like going for a run," I lied. "Dressed like that?” His eyes trailed downward, examining the short dress and thin sandals my mother had chosen for me that morning. I cursed her silently for not letting me wear the sneakers and hoodie I’d chosen for myself. Something about ‘making the right impression on your father.’ “You know you're over a mile from home?" My eyes widened. I didn't think I'd run a mile in my life, not even in gym class when it was required. He chuckled again. "Do they know you’re out here?" His deep voice made me shiver. I suddenly felt cold, the blood draining from my fingers. I had gotten into the car with a stranger. “Yes, of course,” I tried to sound calm, but the words came out too defensive.  He stopped at an intersection and turned to look at me. Looking somewhat amused, his head slightly c****d and his lips parted. “Alright,” he said with uncertainty. He saw right through my lies. “We’re almost home but I'm not taking the blame.” “Blame?” I was lost. Also, had he said ‘home?’ As he started to turn into the driveway, he kept his eyes ahead as he pointed a finger toward my knees. They were scraped and muddy from when I’d fallen to the ground. My face, once again, burned in embarrassment. I knew what this would look like to my dad. I looked, then at my reflection in the car window. My skin was horribly blotched and my lips a deep red from crying. My hair was now falling loosely from the ponytail I’d put high on my head, and I saw how puffed and raw my eyes were. What a great first impression, Liz. --xx-- Jimmy swiftly turned off the car and slid out of his seat. I heard his door shut firmly and watched his figure cross in front of the car before he opened the passenger door for me. I hadn't even set foot outside before I heard the yelling. Both Mom and Keith had come outside, along with a woman who looked vaguely familiar and a young girl I'd never seen before. "Where the Hell have you been?!" My mom practically screamed. "s**t…" I let out under my breath. "She's okay,” Jimmy cut in, stepping in front of me. “I found her near the bridge. Seems pretty upset, though." He turned to look at me, and before our eyes could meet, I lowered mine to the ground. I tugged at the bottom of my dress, hoping to hide my scraped knees. My mother stepped forward, "Elizabeth Michaela Halloway, what happened to you?" I winced as she used my full name. That was never good. "You left,” Keith started. His voice was soft and tired. Hurt? “We searched for an hour before calling the police" Police?! I looked up. I hadn't noticed the two men who had come out of the house behind them. Donning black uniforms, it was hard to make them out in the darkness as they approached me slowly and guided me to the clearing near the gazebo. I noticed the dark pond water extended much further than I'd originally thought. "Miss," one of them started. "Do you want to explain what happened today?" The second man had pulled out a pad of paper, and each of them were looking at me in question. "I…” I looked down at the dark water. “I just didn't want to be here. I don't know what came over me, but Jimmy found me--" "And that's Mr. James Shea?" "Yes..." His words had sounded almost like an accusation. My heart was pounding, and I was suddenly aware of how badly my feet hurt. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and get someone in trouble. "Excuse me--" my mother cut it, in, walking over in the dark. "She is a minor, and she'll be questioned in my presence." My mom was a noted lawyer focusing in commercial real estate, but she had always had an air of authority with officials. I could hear Keith clear his throat from the porch. "Really, we should all be present, don't you think, Cassie?" I hated his casual use of my mother’s name. Of course, they’d been married once, but that was long ago, and he didn’t deserve to be so comfortable with her.  When we got inside, I felt even more aware of my disheveled appearance, now under full lighting. Thankfully, they allowed me to use the restroom to clean myself off. I had never felt more out of place. The bathroom alone was unsettling. The warm lights probably felt comfortable to those who lived here, but I just felt so... unwelcome and unclean. After washing my face and my knees, I fixed my hair and started to walk out of the bathroom, colliding hard with my father's chest. Hot, sticky blood fell fast from my nose onto the white carpet in the hall. NOOO. I looked up and noticed the deep red had gotten onto his sweater as well. I hung my head and quietly apologized. I could tell he was bothered, but he managed an acceptance and pulled me back into the bathroom to stuff tissues gently into my nose. “You know,” he started calmly, “this will all be a lot easier if you give us a chance.” Us? He turned and walked out of the room without another word and I followed him angrily to the table. I was relieved to find that Jimmy and the young girl were nowhere to be found, but frowned as I saw the unfamiliar woman was there, sat beside my father. The adults all sat quietly as I explained how I had left the house and how Jimmy had found me. When the police had gone, they all continued in near silence, speaking only in low whispers to each other before my mom pulled me into a hug. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she said. I closed my eyes in surprise and relief, taking in her warmth and support. I had been expecting more screaming. “I know this is hard, but I will write to you and you know how to reach me if you need anything. You say the word and I’ll be here.” Keith cleared his throat from behind me. As my mother straightened, I saw her eyes flash and glaze over. She continued to hold her smile and gave polite goodbyes before leaving through the front door. I heard the car turn over and the soft receding of tires disappear before turning to face my father. --xx-- "When exactly are you planning to tell me who this woman is and what she’s doing here,” I started rudely. The anger and hurt I felt for him was pouring out of me without control now. When they both opened their mouths in disbelief, I turned on my heels. “I'll see myself to my room.” As I started away, Keith’s strong hand caught my wrist and pulled me around to face him. “Firstly, you do not get to speak to either of us in that tone,” he started strongly. I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t going to make this easy on him. He sighed and collapsed into the chair behind him. He looked tired. “Look, Lizzy—” "Liz," I corrected. “I’m sorry. I don’t really know how I’m supposed to be doing this.” “Maybe you shouldn’t be doing this at all,” I said defiantly, crossing my arms in front of my chest. Although I was still angry, I decided I was being unreasonable, and I should at least give him a chance to speak. “Maybe not,” he said under his breath. I heard that. “This is Katherine,” he continued, waving a hand at the woman who stood beside him. She held out a hand to me, but I didn’t take it. “My wife.” “Okay,” I accepted through gritted teeth. I imagined myself shooting daggers into her face with my glare. “So, then who’s the girl?” I turned back to Keith. “I’ll go put her to bed.” Katherine sent my dad a sympathetic look from the doorway before slipping out of the room. With his eyes still on the door, Keith answered. "That would be Emily." As if THAT means anything. I continued to give him a blank stare. "Your sister." What?! The anger was piling so high I could no longer feel my face. “How old is she?” My voice was stronger now. I was challenging him openly and didn’t care about the consequences. "What, Cassie never gave you our letters? Typic—” “You do not get to say a word about my mother.” My sharp tone surprised even me. I decided to continue with this sudden outburst of confidence and anger. I hadn't heard a word from my father since the day we left, and I had planned to keep int that way for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I didn't seem to be that lucky. I asked again, more pointedly: "How old is she?" “   "She's 10." Of course. Katherine must have been the woman my father was having an affair with when my mom found out and finally left. I stormed out of the room and up the stairs. I knew where my room had been, and I ignored Keith as he called up the stairs after me. I opened the door wide to find Jimmy wearing only a towel, his hair and skin wet from a shower. Letting out a cry of shock, I smacked my hands over my eyes and turned to go out of the room, hitting the door on my way out. Apparently, I had knocked myself unconscious. The next thing I remembered, I opened my eyes to see the three of them hovering over me. Jimmy was now dry and fully clothed, and I had been moved from the floor to a bed. How much time had passed? "She's awake," Jimmy sighed quietly. I sat up too quickly, stars forming behind my eyes. "And come can someone please explain then why he’s here? Are there any other bastard children I should know about?" They all exchanged looks and turned to face me. "Lizzy--" "Liz." Jimmy and I simultaneously corrected. I shot him an apologetic smile. He didn’t deserve my outburst. "Maybe we should just sit down and talk this over in the morning," Keith suggested. “You’ve clearly already been through a lot today.” "I want an explanation now. It's the least you owe me." I could feel my eyes starting to sting, the threat of tears making itself known. I couldn’t handle any more embarrassment or emotion, but I needed to know. Dad looked at the others, who took their leave from the room. As they shut the door, I took in my surroundings. I was in Jimmy's bedroom, laying on top of his made bed. There were posters and trinket s all over the place, the walls a deep red, which completely contrasted the white walls that covered the rest of the house. “Honey" I glared at him. "Liz," he sighed, dejected. "Jim's dad died about a year ago, and he's come to live with us." A huge pang of guilt washed over me and the tears began to fall. I couldn’t remember Michael, but Mom had told me stories of them all growing up together. He was the reason for my middle name. "Why you? Doesn’t he have any family?" “Well, that’s the other part.” He broke his gaze with me, knowing I would put the pieces together. “Kathy's Michael's sister." So, you were f*****g your best friend’s sister. Lovely. I decided not to say anything more tonight. Harsh words were getting me nowhere. “Okay, so then if my room is his room now, where did you plan for me to stay? I doubt this is where you're expecting me to sleep." “Well, no. You're going to be sharing a room with your sister.”  --xx--  Dear Sam,             Apparently, I have a sister. And a stepmom. I don’t have the energy to explain everything tonight, but I’m now sleeping on the couch downstairs. I couldn’t stand sharing a room with that kid.             I ran away. Or tried to at least, and then the police came, and I got a bloody nose---none of this is making sense right now. I’m just so tired, and I can barely make sense of it myself.           I feel kinda bad, though. There’s a boy here too, Keith’s wife’s nephew, who I was friends with when I was little. Jimmy. I was totally rude to him and I found out he’s only living here because his dad died last year. I bet he hates it here as much as I do. I also accidentally walked in on him half naked and then I passed out. Ugh, this is going to be a loooong summer. Xoxo Lizzy