Selfish

Chapter Five - A Fresh Start

Ch 5

I had been in Connecticut two and a half weeks now—the longest two and a half weeks of my life. I had now finished my second date with Drew: we had watched an action film in his garage. I had agreed to have a beer, but I didn’t like the taste, so he ended up drinking mine in addition to his.

He was handsome, I could admit. He had a thick beard and a fresh tattoo on his forearm—his eighteenth birthday present to himself. He was funny, and I knew I wanted to impress him, but I noticed his dismissal when I would ask a question, and his disregard when I asked him to remove his arm from around my shoulder.

I’d ignored it. I didn’t think he would like a girl who refused him. This was what a date is, after all, and he’s older and more experienced. I left his arm there through the movie, even when his hand had started to move closer to my breast, and even when I’d shifted away, and he’d come closer still.

It was near the end of the movie when we'd heard a knock on the door. Drew groaned and stood to answer it, swinging the door open to find Jimmy with a strange look on his face. He looked through the doorway to me, turned on the couch to face him. I hoped he could feel the plea in my eyes to come save me, and to take me home from here, but he just muttered something under his breath and left.

I made up an excuse to Drew about needing some air, to which he responded by waving a hand in the air, not looking away from the screen. Once I was outside, though, I had run down the street to meet Jimmy. He had almost made it down the block, but had stopped to turn when he heard my footsteps.

"Why don't you join us?" I asked with little breath. I still wasn't used to all this running.

"Uhm, your date?" He had his hands stuffed into his jean pockets and kicked a stone to the side of the road.

"Uh, yeah," I nodded. "I feel bad for stealing him away from you," I motioned back to the garage.

He stared at me for a minute before agreeing and following me back.

I didn't think it would go over too well with Drew, but I didn't care. I was uncomfortable, and although it wasn't Drew's party anymore, I remembered what Jimmy had told me in the car, to ask him for help if I was ever uncomfortable.

The rest of the movie was more uncomfortable than ever. We all sat in silence, and though Drew still hung his arm around my shoulder, he was no longer trying to touch me.

They'd played a few rounds of some fighting video game before Jimmy got up to leave.

I'd stood from the couch, too, and asked Jimmy to walk me home. Drew gave us both a look, but I gave him a kiss on the cheek and thanked him for the date, which left him smiling.

Jimmy had asked about the date, and I’d told him it went well, but didn’t go into any details. I was secretly glad that it was over.

As I’d looked at Jimmy then, I noticed the bruise on his face had gone, but the scar on his lip remained, and there was now a pink line where his nose had been split. I wondered if the bruise on his ribs had gone, too.

He’d looked over as I stared at his chest, and I snapped my head forward, willing the blood in my cheeks to just go away.

We’d walked a lot together, on late nights when neither of us could sleep. Yesterday, even, when the sun was still up, he’d taken me to a lake, where we shared a thin cigarette, which made me cough as badly as before. I knew it was m*******a, and I had been the one to ask to try it.

This time when I coughed, though, he laughed. He told me not to worry and told me about the first time he’d tried weed with Drew. I wondered why their friendship felt so strained now.

We’d both laughed a lot by the lake, and we took off our shoes and socks, standing in the cold water. He tried to teach me how to skip rocks, but everything he said confused me, and he ended up laughing more. It felt different, though, from when Drew had laughed at the movies. I wasn’t embarrassed.

Until I fell into the water, that is. He’d stopped laughing and wrapped me in his jacket again. It had smelled like campfire and cigarette smoke. Then, I was embarrassed.

I don’t know what he’d been thinking then, because he got a wide smile on his face, stripped off his shirt and ran directly into the water, diving in head first when he was deep enough.

“Are you crazy?” Although it was late and the sun was setting, the water was already cold. He laughed as he stepped out of the water, coming to sit beside me. I couldn’t help but notice the bruise again on his chest. It was shrinking, and a light brown color now. I would have thought it was a birthmark if I hadn’t seen it before.

“Absolutely,” he’d answered, and I opened his jacket enough that we could both sit beneath it.

We’d both burst into laughter then, before he turned to look at me strangely. He kissed me.

I’d been too shocked to kiss back, but I raised a hand to my lips.

“That was my first kiss,” I admitted quietly.

He c****d his head to the side and stared intensely into my eyes.

“No, it wasn’t.”

He told me about when we were kids, how he’d kissed me when I was crying. I flushed again. I felt bad that I didn’t remember. I struggled to remember anything about this place.

“I’m sorry,” he’d whispered, before he put on his dry shirt, and pulled me up from the ground. We’d walked home in silence and hadn’t talked about it before my second date with Drew.

I suddenly tripped on the smooth pavement, distracted by my thoughts, and I heard his low chuckle again.

Why hadn’t he been the one to ask me out?

--xx—

Keith called me down from the room and I ran down the stairs to meet him.

“What’s up?”

He frowned, and handed the phone to me, the cord bouncing from its connection to the receiver which hung on the wall.

“Hello?” Who would be calling for me?

“Liz,” there was a breath of relief in her voice. Mom.

“Hi, Mom!” I curled the cord around my finger and scurried to a seat at the kitchen counter. “Where are we going to go this weekend?” Mom had been calling me every few days to check in and see how things are going. Although things were going less-than-well, I always lied and told her things were all-right. I didn’t want her to feel any more guilty than she may be already. She had been planning to come visit the upcoming weekend, when I’d have been here for three weeks.

She told me now that she wouldn’t be able to make it to Connecticut. Something had come up, and she could no longer come for our plans. She promised she would make it up to me and come as soon as she could, and I agreed, but not without sharing my disappointment.

Jimmy had walked into the kitchen as I hung the phone on its receiver. I knew tears were already falling, and I must have looked awful as the blood was already creeping under my skin. I brushed past him on my way up the stairs before collapsing on the cot I’d been using in Emily’s room.

A soft knock on the door told me he’d come to check on me.

“Go away!” I went back to stuffing my face into the pillow beneath me.

Hearing the door click open, I turned to investigate, but was surprised that it was not Jimmy, but Keith come to check on me.

“What do you want?” I spat.

There wasn’t enough room on the cot for him to sit beside me, for which I silently thanked the universe. Instead, he sat awkwardly at the edge of Emily’s pink comforter, leaning toward me with his head bowed to the floor, his hands anxiously rubbing and twisting together as he opened his mouth to speak.

“I know you don’t want to be here,” he started.

No s**t.

He continued, “And I know you were looking forward to seeing your mother, but it’s just not in the cards right now.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Well don’t you seem pleased,” I accused. “I bet you arranged for her not to come.”

His eyes finally met mine, and he opened his mouth to speak, but I continued:

“Isn’t it enough that you get me for the whole summer? I’m not allowed one day away from this god-forsaken place?” I was still crying, and though I tried to sound confident and hard with my words, I heard the plea in my voice. I was begging him to stop.

He stood and made his way to my side, crouching low behind me, but I turned to face the other way in my cot, daring him to come closer.

I felt him sweep the hair from my face behind my ear, but I continued to glare at a random spot on the wall. I noticed a shadow which, when I squinted, looked like a smiley face, taunting me. I decided to focus my anger at that spot.

“I love you, Liz. I don’t want to keep you from your mother.”

“Yeah, right,” I groaned.

“I really don’t,” he defended. He stayed there a moment and sighed, still crouched behind me. “I know you’re having a tough time here, and I’m sure you miss your friends back home,” he trailed off and I thought of Sam. She hadn’t written to me yet. I hoped we would still be friends when I got home.

“You seem to be getting along well with Jimmy,” he started again, “and Drew.” He still had no idea I’d witnessed their fight. As far as he and Katherine were concerned, I’d been asleep on the couch through the whole ordeal.

“Why don’t you make plans with them for this weekend and we can try to start over. Get a fresh start,” he suggested.

I met his suggestion with silence, and he finally turned to leave the room, closing the door softly behind him. Then, I allowed myself once again to cry.

--xx—

After two long days of sulking in Emily’s room, I heard a knock on the door. I groaned in response and the door creeped open. I was still in bed, well past noon, as was my new routine.

I heard him clear his throat and turned to face him, rolling my eyes back to the ceiling.

“Oh, it’s you.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” his deep voice came in reply. Jimmy thankfully had been leaving me distance. He’d come in the middle of the night and asked me to go for walks, but I’d either groan or turn over in my cot to face the wall in reply. “Do you want to go to the lake with me? It’s a full moon tonight and we might get lucky with some werewolves,” he lured.

I rolled my eyes again.

“No, thanks.”

“Well, look. Keith wants you to get out of the house.” Great, me too. “We don’t have to talk, or skip rocks, or…” he trailed off. “Just come out with me and we can tell him you had a good time, so he backs off.”

I finally turned to look at him. He was standing awkwardly in the door way; his dark hair was messy, and his eyes looked tired. He had a hand already wrapped behind his neck, rubbing nervously as he awaited my reply.

I nearly giggled at how out of place his dark clothing seemed against the bright white walls and the pink plush that lined the room he stood in.

“Fine,” I relented.

He agreed to give me time to shower and get dressed, which I took to my full advantage. I took a long, hot shower, taking extra time to shave my legs and underarms.

In the mirror, I took care in pulling the gloss across my plump lips and swept pink blush across my cheekbones. I pulled my hair into a messy bun on top of my head and finished with mascara before finally putting on the denim shorts and tank top I’d pulled from my bag.

I made my way, finally, out of the bathroom, and saw Jimmy waiting patiently. He sat in the hall, facing the door, and he looked up to see me, his lips slightly parted.

I knew I would need something warmer for a walk outside. Although nights were now over seventy degrees, the breeze could be cooler, so I grabbed a zip-up hoodie from Emily’s room, pulling it on as I walked to meet him in the hall. He frowned, but I didn’t ask why.

He’d said we didn’t have to talk, and I planned to keep it that way as long as I could.

As we made our way outside and started to walk in the setting sun, I was grateful that the other three had still gone to the stables. We easily lit two cigarettes and made our way down the drive to the road.

While I had already gone to the stables with Katherine and Emily, I didn’t want to make a habit of it. We hadn’t ridden any of the horses on our visits, and instead had groomed them, brushing off dust and spraying for flies. We used a large pick to scrape god-knows-what out of their hooves. It was disgusting and tiring, and I was no good at getting the large animals to lift their feet for me.

Emily, on the other hand, while must smaller than me, seemed to have no trouble, and Katherine’s constant praise easily made its way under my skin.

I didn’t want to go back.

As far as I could tell, Keith and Katherine had known each other through Michael, and had started to bond through the stables. It was Katherine’s family’s farm. I hadn’t met them while I was there, but she had pointed out the property, and the farm house that her parents lived in. While I had been growing up, Dad would help work on the farm on the weekends with Michael, making the occasional dollar when they were young, and then as volunteer work as they grew older.

The more time I had spent on the farm, the more I started to remember. I could now remember a time that Jimmy and I had both been on the farm, riding with our fathers on the backs of two old horses, slowly through a large grass field.

Jimmy suddenly stopped as we reached another nondescript tree line, and I was shaken from my thoughts.

The sun was nearly set now, and he simply looked at me. I shifted under his heavy gaze, hoping the gloss from my lips hadn’t come off on my cigarette.

He took my hand, and I felt the comfort in its familiarity. He pulled me into the trees behind him, and soon we were coming through to what looked like another lake. This area was marshy, with tall grasses growing from the water. As I squinted across the lake, though, I could see that we were simply on the opposite side of the one he’d taken me to before, where he’d kissed me.

My cheeks felt red again, especially as our hands were still intertwined. I didn’t pull away, and we both just gazed over the lake’s surface for a moment.

He spoke first.

“My dad used to take me here.” I looked up at him as he continued to stare in front of him. “We would wade into the water and fish for trout. I can’t remember catching any.”

He fell back into silence.

I opened my mouth to speak, and closed it when no words would come.

He frowned down at our hands, still linked, and pulled his fingers away from mine, the cool air which replaced his warmth left me wanting. I sat on the ground behind me, feeling the wet ground quickly seeping through my shorts, and I jumped quickly back to my feet, disgusted and embarrassed, twisting to find the mud which now clung to my bottom.

He looked at me with a blank stare before he burst into another of his deep laughs.

He continued to laugh as I glared at him and looked back at my bottom in disgust. All I wanted was to get back into the shower now.

As he started to catch his breath, he grabbed both my shoulders from behind and faced me away from him, my skin growing hot again as I knew he was looking directly at my ass.

He asked lowly, “do you mind?”

I was still continuing my silence and didn’t ask him to clarify.

I jumped when his hand started to brush the drying mud from my shorts.

He didn’t linger, and when he’d finished, he turned me again with his hands on my shoulders, I saw his bright eyes twinkling with amusement as he smirked at my blushed cheeks.

“Clutz,” he whispered. I saw his eyes rest on my lips, which I was pushing together thoughtfully.

I wanted him to kiss me again.

I wanted him to pull me into him.

I wanted to feel our bodies pressed together in a tight embrace.

I wanted every moment with him to last a lifetime.

Instead, he brushed a hand through his hair again, a tight frown replacing his grin.

He turned and found us a dry patch of dirt to sit upon, and he lit another thin cigarette, which he took from before offering to me. I gladly accepted and willed myself not to inhale. I didn’t want to embarrass myself further with another coughing fit. Somehow, my actions still elicited a chuckle from him.

“You’ve gotta take more than that,” he urged.

Challenging him with my eyes, I took a deeper hit, and held the smoke in my mouth, letting only a small bit creep into my lungs as I’d been doing with his cigarettes. I let the smoke out smoothly, without coughing, and I smirked at how cool and impressive I was.

I handed the joint back to him and watched as he took two more hits before snuffing out the light and pushing the rest of it back into his box.

The sun had just finished setting, but I couldn’t find the moon in the sky. I broke the silence.

“I thought you said it would be a full moon.”

“It will,” he answered.

We sat awkwardly for a few more minutes before the moon was now visibly crowning the trees.

I watched its light shimmer off the water in front of us, and felt my face and body relax in its beauty. The moon was perfectly full and round, its white face looked down at us knowingly.

I looked again at Jimmy and found him already staring. My eyes were daring him to kiss me again.

“So, when are you seeing Drew again?” His eyes shifted back to the water.

UGH! Why?!

“Uhm, I dunno,” I answered with a shrug. We hadn’t set up a third date, and I questioned whether I should see him again at all. I clearly had feelings for someone else.

Would it be wrong to try to date him? I could imagine Keith and Katherine wouldn’t be too happy about it. And it felt a little strange to be thinking this way about my sister’s cousin. Although we weren’t blood related, Jimmy had become a part of my family, whether I liked it or not.

“He said something about a bonfire this week,” I continued and turned to face him. “Maybe you could come with me!” The suggestion had suddenly come into my mind.

“Uh, sure,” his voice was soft, and his face twisted. I had the feeling he and Drew still hadn’t completely made up from their fight, but maybe getting them together could help mend their friendship, and I could spend more time with Jimmy.

Satisfied with his acceptance, I smiled back over the lake.

Maybe this could be a better summer than I’d thought.

--xx—

As I got dressed for the bonfire, I let my thoughts drift back to Jimmy. I had caught a glimpse of him making his way into his room after a shower, a towel wrapped around his waist. I let myself imagine his full lips and heavy stare, and the scars that now crossed his face: his eyebrow from when we were kids, and the split on his nose and lip, which were settling into permanent scars now.

I made my way downstairs and waited for him to join me, but he stayed upstairs, even once Drew had arrived.

I ran up the stairs and knocked on his door.

“Are you coming?”

I heard shuffling from behind the door and then his reply:

“I’ll meet you there.”

I frowned. What was taking him so long?

I met Drew again by the door and we made our way into his car, the short drive filled with loud music.

This time, though, his hand did find my leg. I moved it back to the shifter which sat between us, and he didn’t protest, only shooting a quick glance in my direction. Soon, we were back in his driveway, and we were walking around to the back of the garage. I’d been here twice now and hadn’t noticed the large firepit which stood almost three feet tall. There were four lawn chairs arranged around the dry wood.

Four?

Before I could turn to ask, Drew was handing me an opened beer, and had crouched beside the fire pit, lighting a piece of cardboard easily, and feeding it into the logs. I watched as they caught flame.

The orange light that built was hot and mesmerizing. I drank the beer that he’d given me and frowned at the taste. I continued to drink it anyway.

He sat in one of the chairs finally, after his work on the fire had proven successful, and motioned for me to join him.

I did.

Jimmy still hadn’t arrived, and neither had the mystery guest. Was he bringing a date?

My suspicions were confirmed when we heard him pull into the driveway and two figures emerged from around the garage. I leaned forward in my seat to see that he was walking up with Izzy.

I suddenly felt very underdressed.

She looked beautiful, her hair curled around her face, and her smooth legs looked so long under her shorts, the pockets peaking out from beneath the denim, onto her strong thighs.

I wondered if she did any sports, her lean muscles obvious as the light of the fire reflected off her clear skin.

I noticed finally that her breasts were far bigger than my own. They pushed against her shirt, the tops of her pink lacey bra just hinting what lay beneath.

“Hey, Izzy,” I breathed coolly. I didn’t want to be jealous. It was too late for that.

“Hey, Liz!” She smiled genuinely and scurried over to hug me tightly. All the jealousy I felt was squeezed out of me for just a moment, until she turned back around and motioned to Jimmy.

“Shea invited me,” she called him by his last name. “I hope you guys don’t mind.”

            Judging by the fourth chair, it was clear Drew had already agreed for her to come. It was his reply which came next:

            “No, of course! Take a beer!” He was smiling widely and quickly popped the cap off a new beer for her, handing another to Jimmy without opening.

            He didn’t seem to mind, though, as he took the lighter from his pocket and easily popped the cap off his, as well.

            As we all sat quietly around the growing fire, Drew started to play the same loud music from his car over a speaker in the grass.

Izzy started some small talk, which easily died in the boys’ tension.

            Drew pulled my seat closer to him and rested his hand on my leg again. I frowned down at it but chose not to move it as I’d done in the car. There were other people around and I didn’t want to embarrass him.

            Jimmy quickly picked up the small talk again, and his voice became louder. We each finished our beers, and Drew passed around new ones, continuing the conversation fluidly.

            I was feeling more relaxed, although Drew’s thumb had started to absently draw patterns on my thigh, his hand pushing further around my leg to the inside. I placed my hand firmly on his and shot him a warning glance.

            He smiled widely in return.

            I then noticed Izzy whispering into Jimmy’s ear, and I felt the heat growing on my face, this time, not from the fire.

            She excused herself from the fire and made her way inside to use the restroom. I grew jealous again when Jimmy’s eyes seemed to follow her away from the fire.

            He finally met my eyes, and quickly stood, his eyes darting back to where Izzy had disappeared.

            “Um, me, too,” he declared. “I’ll be right back.” With that he sheepishly followed in her direction.

            As soon as I was no longer in Jimmy’s sight, I turned to Drew and removed his hand from my leg. He rolled his eyes and continued to drink his beer.

            Thankfully, Izzy was already emerging from the house once Jimmy had approached, so I didn’t have to endure the thought of them in the bathroom together, doing god-knows-what.

            I watched as they talked closely, Izzy’s arms pulled into her chest, not hiding the size of her breasts. Jimmy was more animated, throwing his hands toward the fire, then to the ground.

            I still watched, as Izzy suddenly pulled him into a tight hug, his arms easily wrapped around her body. They continued to stand there in embrace as I pried my eyes away and back to the fire.

“Jealous?” Drew’s voice shocked me. I had somehow forgotten him sitting there.

“Ha!” I forced a laugh. “Jealous? No way,” I deflected, unconvincingly.

“Good,” he mused. “Shea’s been after that girl for ages,” he explained.

I turned back to the hugging couple, still locked in each other’s arms.

My heart sunk, but I wouldn’t let myself cry this time. Not with an audience.

“Well good for them,” I answered, turning back to the fire and finishing my beer.

When they finally made their way back to the fire, Izzy continued her pleasant conversations with me. I felt betrayed, but I knew I would never stand a chance against a beauty like her. She was older, more beautiful, and more experienced than me. Not only that, but she was nice.

I genuinely liked her, although I tried hard not to. After she’d finally gotten the whole group to laugh at something she’d said, she turned to Jimmy and asked if he’d take us home.

“Uh, both of you?” His eyes darted back to me.

“Yeah!” Her voice was strong and feminine. My cheeks were flushing under Jimmy’s gaze, and I shifted my eyes back to Izzy. “You can drop me off first and then take her home with you!”

Drew stiffened. I’d assumed he would take me back, although Izzy’s suggestion made sense.

“Uh, no,” Drew answered in Jimmy’s silence. “I’ll take Liz home for you, and you two can have fun.”

This made me blush even more. I quietly agreed, and Izzy gave me a big squeeze before they made their goodbyes.

Drew silently closed the gate on the fire without snuffing it out, and quietly took me home. There was no music this time, and I noticed the auction sign outside Jimmy’s old house as Drew’s headlights passed. We’d finally made it around the block to the entrance of Keith’s driveway, where I silently slid out of the car and made my way into the house.

I sat awake for hours, hoping he would come home. My mind twisted around what he and Izzy must be doing then. I let silent tears fall as I fell asleep on the couch and didn’t wake until morning.

--xx--  

Dear Sammy,

            There’s so much going on here. Mom bailed on me. She didn’t tell me why she couldn’t come to visit, but I assume it’s some stupid case she’s working on. I don’t care. I’m just three weeks closer to being done with this hell-hole.

            Jimmy is driving me crazy. He freaking kissed me! And then he decided to bring this girl Izzy as a date to this bonfire. She’s so gorgeous it disgusts me.

            I shouldn’t be jealous, though, especially since I’ve been dating Drew. We’ve had three dates now. He is cute.

            I can’t believe Jimmy was my first kiss. He’s such a jerk. It probably didn’t even mean anything to him. And I don’t even have you here to talk about it with.

            Please write back. I feel so lonely.

            Xoxo

            Lizzy