Split Mind

Despite my kids

It just hurts. it hurts like hell. I don't know why. i dont understand just how his not being interested in me hurts.

I am always alone despite my kids im technically alone. Despite my kids i have noone to talk to.Despite my kids im lonely. I've been alone long enough to say im used to it but his presence in my life no matter how short lived it was,was a reminder of a life that could have been a life i know i want but im emotionally and spiritually bound where i am to go get it. Never to have the courage or self confidence to try again. Way too busy living in the past to move forward with my life. Just stuck. Homeostasis is supposed to be a good thing and yet here i am wishing for change.

I just know after this im gonna go back to my old tune. Waiting for a different song. Waiting on a hero to rescue me from myself. A hero to undo what i have done and imprinted on my soul. A hero to give me hope. To pull me off the train tracks before it hits. Tell me things that i have been day dreaming of hearing and seeing. A hero to save me because if im being honest with myself i know. I know I know i dont want to die living like this.

I want a new chapter. I want change. I want acceptance. I want to believe that im worth and am so much more than this. I love my kids but i can't imagine waking up one day realizing they are gone and im still the same person.

To me that would be worse than a nightmare. It would be hell. A hell of my own creation. I just hope by then its not too late to escape.

My mind is spiraling and as i head for basically nowhere. Ive been walking for a while now and the sun is brutal as always in September. I guess i can't complain im just glad its not cold. My kids slept again after some snacks like five kilometres back or one i don't really know.

At first i was walking fast from the anger but calmed down at some point then i was sad. Now im fine im just lost but im fine. Wishing i didn't enter the woods but fine. Feel like im going around in circles but fine.

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I hear running water i assume its a river and change direction and headed for it.

After fighting some bushes and i saw a beautiful stream with a babbling brook. it made me feel so at peace and so calm just by listening to the sounds.

I put my the bags feeling ready for the overdue rest. Then slowly i put my kids down on the soft grass. For the first time since i left that car i breathed.

i got closer to the stream and crouched down pouring water on my face. i was like that for a while just watching the water go by never to return.

The crouching position became difficult so i sat down and continued to watch the water with no thought in my mind just admiring mother nature.

I became less aware of the time going by.

Slowly but surely sleep started overtaking me.

"You know there are snakes out here right?" i heard a male voice say. and i turned to see...