Split Mind

We burden You.

He came after what felt like forever. He didn't look at me. He just sat watching his hands. I started the car and drove away. As I drove I kept letting out air through my mouth to dismiss thoughts i didn't want to be having , after the third time i realized how it could be annoying to someone else but i continued doing it anyway why should i care whether he is comfortable or not.

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The road was quiet and tense the kids fell asleep. Eventually i stopped breathing loudly. The whole car was filled with anticipation they probably could sense it. They could be just tired from the walk to the cabin and back.

I drove sitting up right with perfect posture to remind myself i was a lady, a visage i had developed to contain myself when my children are round it helps me deal with my emotions in a more controlled manner. I have a bit of a temper plus i over think things. Life was rough sometimes. Right now for example.

Someone clears their throats snapping me out of my thoughts and although I'm startled by this I don't turn to look at him I focus on the road and somehow straightening up even more he clears his throat again louder this time but I still didn't look at him I remain focused on the road.

"You honestly can't be mad." he said calmly and softly. I didn't look at him and it was hard not to react when those were his first choice of words he decided to use to break the tension.

"Lorraine look.. It was dying and I think I did it a favor. If I had not done what I did it'd still be suffering." he said with his voice a little higher than usual and I didn't turn to him. I continued to ignore him.

"What did you want me to do? huh? save it ? im no veterian nethier are you it was going to die anyway." I knew what he was saying was true but i had already thought all the possibilities through and putting it to sleep was the best option but i had gone past him killing the dog and had now come to the realization that if i was the dog he would have done the same thing and some how already had not physically but he had, by leaving us there by the side of the road and not even looking back. I was more angry about it now than i was the first time it happened. In a way i was that dog and i understood the emotions it must have went through before it was unable to emotion. It must have been happy and hopeful just like i was when i saw the car thinking its prayers have been answered its crys have been heard but one look of his facial expression every single light of hope died one by one blown by the winds of his cold demeanor. I was so hurt and my stomach turned pure anger rumbling at the gut of my gut.

"Murder Cory." i said correcting him.

"What?" he said confused. i didn't turn to look at him. i was disgusted by his very presence being so close to me.

"Murder. Thats what you did . You murdered that dog. If you feel you did the right thing then you should be able to use the proper terms." i spat every word showing just how mad i was.

He sighs and rubs his forehead with his palm clearly frustrated by my lack of understanding.

"No." he defended himself.

"Lorraine the dog was dying and it would been a waste. We would've fed it and tried helping it for it to die in the end which is a.. waste!"

"and there it is." i say removing a hand from the steering wheel for a moment to gesture with it.

"What!?" he says annoyed. My eyebrows crease automatically and i glare at him to change his tone. His features soften and I turn my focus back to the road.

"I know you want to save everyone but you can't, no matter how hard you try no matter how much effort you put in. Sometimes it all just ends up a waste of time. You could have spent your time doing something thats actually worth it and something promising. It won't hurt as much if you didn't try at all. Hope.. and faith...and love don't make the world go round." He says in a low tone as if he speaking to himself. I could see he was hurt over something else. He reminded he is just human. I looked at him trying to read the signs of what it could be but he noticed and turned away.

"My hope my love and faith. is the reason you are here." ..."the reason my kids are here" i said softly trying to show him he can share with me.

"Well it wasn't going to do anything for that dog." He said. Right there i noticed, even if i had been there the outcome might still be the same because he doesn't seem to get what im trying to say. I stop the car right there and turned to look at him. He was shocked by the sudden hault and bracing himself against the dashboard.

"If you had found me crushed by that house crying for help, would you help me?" i said bluntly glaring at him. He didn't answer but he just looked at me confused then his expression turned sad. For me that was answer enough. I opened the car door and leapt out. I went to the back of the car opened the boot and took bag, began packing. He must have thought i was taking a snack and would be right back becausehe didn't immediatelly after a few minutes the door opened and he stopped with one foot out as my face came in to view.

"What are you doing?" he said confused.

i didn't answer but continued to pack. He began descending from the car but stopped when i put my hand up.

"No. Dont" i said shaking my head and he looked more confused.

"You know even if i had found you after you left us by the road being crushed by the very same car. I would've helped you." ..."I dont even know what i was thinking getting in a car with you. maybe its the hope or the faith" i stuttered tears starting to cloud my vision.

"I can't wait for you to heal then kick us out because we burden YOU." i said strapping on the baby carriers i had looted. Cory had gone back to the car and was watching me. i put Sasha on the back carrier then strapped on the front carrier and put Maggie. Bent down and grabed the bags. I turned to leave but couldn't especially because i had no idea where i was going. I looked at him one more time and the way he was looking at me was encouragement enough.