Blame
1161 Words
When the car stopped in front of my house we both sat there in silence.
"I- I'm sorry" I stuttered out. I can't believe this happened. I can't ever show my face again. They must all know how much of a burden I am now. Everything is ruined! All because of me and these stupid Panic Attacks!
I hate this!
I hate them!
I hate the feeling!
I hate me!
"El" Jace's voice brought me out of my destructive thoughts. It took a moment to realized he said something before. "Huh?" was all I could manage. "I asked if you were okay" he said, his voice thick with worry and concern. I simply nodded. It was obvious he didn't buy that. "um... Thanks for the ride and I'm sorry to trouble you.." I quickly reached for the door handle to leave but at that moment I heard the door lock.
"W-what are you doing?" I stared down at the handle. "El.." His voice was gentle, like he was handling me with kiddy gloves. Another thing I hated about all of this. "El.." he repeated but this time I looked up at him.
There were tears in his eyes. They held something I didn't see a lot. It wasn't pure sympathy. He didn't pity me. His eyes held a kind of understanding not many had. "Your not any trouble" I've heard this at least a hundred times from different people but was the first time I actually started to believe it.
My breath quickened. For once I felt like I wasn't completely in the way. "Shh its okay." He rubbed my back and strangely, that soothed me. "Thank you" I mumbled, looking down. "'No problem." I played with my hands in my lap when he asked the question I knew was coming. "How long have you had panic attacks?"
That's something I couldn't talk about. Even thinking about it made me cry. My eyes pricked with tears and Jace quickly spoke. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want. I won't force you to do something your not comfortable with." I sniffled, looking up to him. "Thank you"
"Let's get you in the house" he said before climbing out of the car and running in front of it to open my side. I grabbed his hand as he helped me out of the truck. He walked me up to my door and didn't pull off until I was safely inside my house. I still felt bad for taking up his time with my problems but I'm grateful he was there. Why was he there? Did he have a shift?! Did I make him late for work?! What if he gets fired because of me?! He'll hate me forever! My mind started spiraling but it was interrupted by my brother's voice.
"You okay?" I turned and saw him looking at me from the couch. The game on the screen was paused. "Fine." I muttered, making my way to the stairs. Halfway up I hear footsteps following behind. "You don't look fine."
"Please Josh tell me, what exactly do I look like?!" There was a clear annoyance in my voice that I know he caught on to. He held up his hands in surrender but spoke anyway. "No- I just meant.. If you ever wanted to talk-" I let out a cold, humorless chuckle. "Talk? Talk about what Josh?! You want to sit around and talk about our 'feelings'?!" I made quotations with my fingers. "I mean.. If you wanted-" This time I out right laughed. What is wrong with me? Why am I angry with him? He did nothing wrong but I couldn't stop the words from falling from my stupid mouth.
"What feelings could I possibly have that you would actually understand?! I mean you have everything you could possibly want! EVERYTHING!!" I screamed. "You got your friends! You got your town! Your 'perfect' dad!" more quotations. "But me? I lost everything! My friends are hundreds of miles away! I'm not even sure if my boyfriend is still MY boyfriend!! My mother! My bestfriend! The only person I could really talk to is half way around the world!! And I'm stuck here.. with you! Hell.." My voice so went quiet that I wasn't sure he could still hear me. "I even lost control over my own mind..." From the look on his face he heard me clearly and he knew what I was referring to.
It wasn't a secret that I had Anxiety but I rarely spoke of it. I had medication for it. Pills. But I hated taking them. They made me tired. And numb. Without saying another word I turned and went up to my room. Joshua stood on the stairs gaping after me as I slammed the door so loud it rattle the hinges.
For the rest of the night I stayed in my room. The only light was the occasional text message from Sammy asking if I was okay. I never answered them so he started calling and I just turned my phone completely off not wanting to be bothered by anyone. My father came by a few times, just knocking and talking through the door. I ignored him just as I ignored Sammy. He eventually stopped coming by when he went to bed.
I never went to sleep. How could I? I screamed at Joshua when he did nothing wrong. It wasn't his fault I was broken. I felt horribly guilty. For everything. I wanted to apologize but he must be so mad at me for going off on him so I thought it best if I just stayed out of everyone's way.
I tried to sleep anyway. It would be better than sitting here tearing myself apart. But I deserved it. I ruined everything. Today's events played over and over in my brain. From the way I felt touching Alec's hand to Penelope answering Justin's phone to me freaking out in front of everyone to me making Jace late for his shift and potentially getting him fired to screaming at Josh and ignoring everyone even though I was the one to blame.
I needed air! I couldn't breathe! I quickly got up and ran to the balcony. I dragged my blanket with me, sitting on the ground looking at the forest below. It was dark out and it took my eyes some time to adjust but when they did I peered out to the trees and the dark green moss. The smell of the wild. It was fresh. I gripped the blanket around me so tight my knuckles turned white. I leaned my head against the bars and took a deep breath. Just then something in me broke and I felt a hot tear fall down. Wrapped in a ball, hugging myself I finally let it all out.
I cried and cried and cried until I fell asleep out there on the balcony.
- Writer
