My First and Last Love

“STOP it, Richard," Thomas tried to pull his hand but Richard's holding it tight. "Hey!" They are on their way home and a lot of people were on the street. They might be just strangers for them but still, seeing two men holding hands would easily get other people's attention. He's getting annoyed but Richard just laughs looking at him. "Are you not worried if people see us like this?" "So what if they see us holding each other's hands? We're not doing anything wrong." "But this is so gay." "Aren't we?" Richard suddenly pulls him into an area with fewer people. "Do you feel uncomfortable? Do you hate it?" He looks away as his face starts feeling hot. “I-it's not that I hate it. I-I'm just not use to it." "Are you worried your mom might see us?" Richard knows how his mom hates third s*x. It's because his dad is one of them and now, he now belongs to that too. For years, he's been trying to tell himself that he's straight, that he'll never be like his dad. But here he is, dating a man like him. “That's one thing.” "And the other?" "Well, don't you think this is wrong?" Richard confesses his feelings to him while they're watching a movie. It's a movie about two male best of friends who got married to women they never loved and have lived miserable lives. But in the end, they saw each other again and lived together. One of them got diagnosed with cancer. They regret why they chose to ignore their feelings when they were younger, that they could have spent more time together. Richard told him how he can relate to the story. That he likes his best friend and he doesn't want to have regrets one day. They've been friends since grade school and honestly, he feels the same too. But as a person who hates his dad for being gay, admitting to himself that he's one is sickening. But maybe falling in love is really uncontrollable. Richard courted him for a month and on that day, he finally gave in. But he didn't expect Richard would be that bold about their relationship. Richard frowns. "Don't you love me?" "I-I do." "Then how come this is wrong? Because we're both men? Does that really matter? It's not like we're hurting anybody." "I know but still, in the eyes of other people, this is definitely wrong." "Are those people judging us that immaculate? If there's someone who has the right to judge us, it's Him," pointing his hands upward. "It's up to him to decide if we deserve to go to His kingdom or not. Like how not all straight men and women go to heaven. "We're called humans in the first place because we're not perfect. Though we always have choices, we can't always choose what's right. That is human nature. But I still believe that as long as we live as good people, I don't think God will judge us and put us to hell just because we're gays." "But-." "Do you find other people's opinions more relevant than what we feel for each other? Because if that's the case, then I guess it's better if we just end this now."  Richard is disappointed in him. He knows because they're best friends and Richard's emotion is too easy to read, and that's what he can see in his face at that moment. "Showing you the real me that I hate the most was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life. I tried to resist but I can't help it, I'm in love with you. But then, to show it in public, I don't think I'm ready for that. You know how hard this is for me, Richard. But I understand if you're mad at me. And if that's your decision, I respect-." "I'm taking it back," Richard’s expression softens. "I don't want to lose you, Thomas. I just got carried away." Richard took a deep breath. "I hate how they’re affecting us and our happiness. But if that's what you really want, I can adjust. I can wait until you get comfortable with our relationship no matter how long it will take." For three months, they were in that kind of relationship. But since they were close, to begin with, no one suspected them. Somehow, his uneasiness lessens, and thought being in a relationship is not that bad after all. They go out on dates, watch movies, play games like how they use to. They may not hold each other’s hands but Richard always lay his arm on his shoulder. Richard gives him smack kisses whenever he gets chances too. With those simple contacts, somehow, he's satisfied and felt loved. Being with Richard made him forget his family's issue. But maybe it's really true that when you're too happy, trouble and pain comes after.   "CAN you stop doing this, Ellena? Aren't you tired of doing this over and over again?" "For you to come home whenever I say I'd kill myself, it only means you feel something for me too. So why can't you just stay?" "You know I'm just doing this for our son. If you kill yourself, he'll be the one who would suffer the most. I'm just coming home to make you realize that we've been over for how long. Why can't you just accept that and move on?"  "Is it really that hard for you to stay with me? Can't you at least consider our son as your reason to make this work? It's been sixteen years, Daniel. Why can't you still choose us over that man?!" "From the start, you know it has always been him, Ellena. You chose this life so bear with it. And please, don't drag my son in this mess. In the first place, it is you who hates me to be with him, to get closer to him." "You had a choice, Daniel. You could have chosen to be a man, be a father, and be my husband. Yet, you chose to be gay. And I don't want my son to get infected with your disease. You're disgusting!" Thomas is in his room. He hates it every time his parents fight but they're just too loud for him not to hear. It has been five years since his dad left their house. He only comes home during his birthday, when he's sick, there's an event at school, and when his mom threatens his dad she'd kill herself if he won’t come. Since he had an understanding of what's happening around him, he never saw his dad showing care for his mom. He was always away. And if he's around, they just fight. Yet, his mom still loves his dad that much. The arguing stops. All he could hear now is his mom, sobbing. That only means his dad already left. He looked outside the window when the rain starts to pour. It's like the sky is crying in sympathy for his mom. He hates his dad but seeing him soak in the rain, his heart somehow felt a little sympathy for him. He was standing near their gate, unmoving. Is he contemplating? Does he regret everything he did to his mom? His mind and heart were fighting whether to go to his father and bring him an umbrella or not. But even before he has decided, a black car stops in front of his dad. A man from the driver's seat went out running towards him. He was shocked when the guy hugs his dad tightly. He clenches his fist realizing who that man could be. Is he his father's lover? When the man kisses his dad, his little sympathy for his dad was replaced with anger. Did he act vulnerable to gain the man's affection? Though it's raining hard, the man is facing his window. They're at the front of the lamp post that he could see his face clearly. There's no way he could ever forget the face of the man who destroyed their family. And his dad, he can never forgive him for hurting his mom. "Son." His mom turned on the lights in his room. When he turned to his mom, her eyes are still pooling with tears. "M-mom." "Y-you will never leave me, right? Promise me you will always be by my side." He walks towards his mom and hugs her tight. "I promise, Mom. And I promise I will never be like him."   "W-WHAT? This is just a joke, right?" Richard's eyes widen after Thomas told him he's breaking up. "Hey, please tell me this is just a joke." "You know what I've been going thru. I-I think I was just seeking love and attention at that time. When you said you like me, I-I think I just got carried away." Confusion filled Richard’s face. "Got carried away? We've been together for three months and you're only telling me now that you got carried away? I know you love me, Thomas. I can feel it. Was it your mom? Did she tell you to break up with me because she doesn't want you to be like your dad? Come on, Thom. I know you love your mom so much, that you would do everything not to hurt her but what about me? How about my feelings?" "I'm sorry, Richard," it pains him even more how Thomas can show him a straight face. "Do you think saying sorry is enough to ease the pain I'm feeling right now?" "P-please, Richard. Please don't make this too hard for me. Please." "I-Is this the only way to ease the burden you're feeling right now? By breaking up with me? D-don't we have other options?" Thomas shakes his head. "I know I might regret this one day but for now, this is the only way I know. So please, j-just let me go." Richard turned away from him. He did not say anything but his shoulders are shaking. His eyes were filled with tears. "Richard, please." "I-if hurting me will make you feel better, then-," he took a deep breath after his voice cracks. "I-I'm letting you go." He closes his eyes, biting his lips to stop himself from sobbing. His heart was stabbed multiple times and hurts so much.