Sweet As Cherries

“Hopefully it won’t take the full month but if it goes well then maybe we can move back, earn a bit more money in the city?” I asked hopeful, Vince laughed on the other end agreeing to the plan depending on how things went. But it wasn’t like he had much of a choice. My boss decided to switch over to his London headquarters and I was still under his thumb. So here I was, in the back of a cab driving up to my new accommodation for the next few weeks until he had decided what he was going to do with the company. Yet, back home everyone knew what was happening. The magazine was going under.  Turns out, not many people care for savvy trends in today's society in a small close-knit town. This was my only hope of keeping my job. Yet it sucked. No one else at the newspaper had to be at his beck and call. No one else had to put up with his stupid ass like me.  “We’ll see. I’m talking to Bill on Monday, hopefully, he’ll have some information on a transfer but until then just stay safe babe. We miss you already.” Vince muttered back into the phone, his voice tired from the lack of sleep.  “I will. Love you both.” I replied, my eyes taking in the familiar surroundings passing me from the window. “Love you too.” He said before hanging up. I chucked my phone into my bag with a sigh.  This had to be the worst timing possible. Things weren’t at their best, not that Vince knew any better but that wasn’t this fault. I always did manage to keep everything inside, everything I never wanted other people to see and that included the f****d up thoughts racing through my head every night. At least now, I didn’t have to hide.  The cab driver pulled up outside a block of flats, the entire west-facing side covered with large floor to ceiling windows and I climbed out handing him a twenty as I forced my legs to move towards the double glass doors. The cold air blew harshly at my hair, blowing the curled strands to the side until my eyes were blurred and I was shivering in my dark blue suede jacket. I’d lived in this godforsaken city since I was born yet couldn’t remember how f****d the weather always seemed.  I hurried in almost racing to the lift as I followed the instructions my boss had sent me. My eyes scanned the letter, the keys securely in my right hand as I double-checked the floor. Ah, so much for an elevator. He’d bought the ground floor flat. Great. I walked away, taking a turn through a narrow hallway until a display of gold numbers spread across various painted red doors coming to a halt outside number eight.  At least it was my lucky number. Turning the small silver key, I stepped into the large open space. A large white leather couch was the first thing that caught my eyes. It was facing the wall of windows, a small matching white table sat in front with a decent sized tv, and a few plants scattered in the corners. To my left was the kitchen, an island separating the main stove and sink with three red leather stools neatly tucked under. I hurried down the narrow corridor to my right, two doors opposite each other signaling the bedroom and the bathroom. From there it was pretty basic, the apartment boosted space for sure and if I’m honest, it was like nothing I’d ever been in before. The ceilings were high, the floor a polished white marble with the walls painted in a creamy beige to give the impression of even more space than what it already had. The walls opposite the door of the bedroom again were just large windows, the blinds pulled down.  Better remember to keep that s**t closed. But hey, at least my boss had some taste. It would have been just as easy for him to drop me in a Premier Inn. I dropped my bag on the bed, my suitcase still by the entrance as I hurried back out to the conjoined kitchen and living room. To the wall on the left was a little desk, the black leather seat swirled around to face me as I fell into it and opened up my laptop.  Better get this out of the way. I switched on the computer set up on the desk and began opening up my files, ready to transfer them over to the desktop when my phone buzzed from inside my pocket.  “Hello?” I muttered into the phone, knowing who it was already. “Aubrey, that last article you did for me, I just read it.” Oh great, here we go. “Its trash. I need something more upbeat, something more relevant. No one in the office took a single incline of interest to the latest trends of lingerie.” He rambled on and on like it hadn’t been his idea to get me to spend two weeks researching and writing about that crap. The worst thing about all this was the fact that I had told him that! I tried over and over again to let him know this was not what people cared about, not anymore. I mean, if they wanted to know about the sexiest lingerie on the market right now they would have grabbed themselves a Victoria Secrets catalog! But no, don’t listen to the intern you’ve had for three years without a promotion! “So start again, pick something more . . . Shazam! Something that’ll get our readers hooked, making them blush and tremble with curiosity!” Wow.  I couldn’t help but let my eyes narrow at the screen, my hands clenching into fists.  I worked for hours, spent days away from my kid after telling him it was pointless for what? For him to take the word of some collogue he’d never met until a few days ago over mine?! What made them so Goddamn special huh? “Sure.” I forced out through gritted teeth.  “Great. Get it done by Tuesday.” “Tuesday! That’s five days-” “Bye!” And like that the phone went dead leaving me glaring in my seat. “f*****g asshole!” I screamed, slamming my phone down on the desk and letting my eyes fall shut.  I was the i***t for still working for him but then again, it wasn’t like there were endless job opportunities around the place. Especially not back home. The only newspapers that seemed to hit anyone's interest point were about the news and old pub quizzes. That had to be far worse.  Sighing, I started up the internet and logged into f******k clicking on the little notification lighting up along the strip of blue. Huh, Cami’s getting married. That was new, from what I remember of college she was so set on never marrying. Guess the guy must be a miracle worker! I scrolled down to the attendance list, still a little surprised I’d been invited. I mean it wasn’t like we spoke on a regular basis. In fact, after graduation that was it. We didn’t hit each other up on f******k, didn’t make plans to meet up every once in a while we just . . . dropped off the face of the planet but the more I scrolled down the more I noticed the trend. She’d invited everyone from our year. Guess her wedding was supposed to be the class gathering. Strange but then again, she always was a strange girl. The chat on the bottom suddenly lit up with bing and I clicked on it with a small groan. Why didn’t I put myself as invisible? Cami: hey! Its been so long! How are you? Aubrey: Not too bad, see you're getting married. Congrats! Cami: thanks!             You coming right? Please say you are! Aubrey: Um . . . sure, why not I’m in town anyway! Cami: omg yas! Its gonna be such fun, the whole gangs gonna be together again!             So overdue! Aubrey: The whole gang?                  New or old? Cami: Both! Crap.  I quickly continued scrolling the names of the people who had clicked to attend, my eyes searching for one person, in particular, one person who in all honesty, had not crossed my mind for years. When their name didn’t appear, I flung myself back in the chair and let out a relieved sigh. Well, that made it far easier. I ticked the box that said attendance and said my goodbye to Cami logging off.  Wasn’t this whole wedding a little rushed? I mean this invitation wasn’t out there a week ago and by the date stamped on it, it was next week. This girl really moved fast! Yet I couldn’t shake the anxiety from my body. It had been six years since I saw everyone and most of those friendships didn’t end on good grounds. But we were adults now, surely the past wouldn’t matter . . . right? I shook my head and let my body tense at the thought of Kael. That asshole.  Flashbacks of my first time raced through my mind, the way my body shook under my clothes . . . how I had to have a few shots just to ease the nerves. God how my mind could only focus on all the parts of my body that were wrong, all the parts that he would hate . . . that he always reminded me he hated, that he’d wished I’d change. I could feel my cheeks burn red, spreading down my neck as I faintly remember the moment he entered me, the way his body seemed to move with a rhythm that seemed to please him in all the right ways. I remember how awkward I felt, how I couldn’t take my top off but just lay limp under him afraid to move and just gripped his shoulders letting him take control. It was all so different than I thought it would have been. I always imagined I’d be the one on top, the one owning the game. I always thought I’d be so confident, so wanted.  But it was nothing like that.  It was over in five minutes and he was grinning ear to ear as I just lay there trying to figure out what the hell just happened. My body was warm, my mind wasn’t blown . . . I was just numb and riddled with the need to cover up.  God, I faked orgasm after orgasm, and not once could he tell it was a load of bull.  Not once did he care. It was in and out.  To be fair, the only moment he seemed to gain the slightest true reaction from me was when he fingered me one night when I couldn’t sleep. That s**t was the hottest it got. The rest? Ha, the rest was me trapped in a relationship that made me hate myself. I could barely look in the mirror too afraid to see the truth. He’d always gone on and on about the weight, the comparison to other girls too much. Truth was, I’d never been that thin. Inside, the only thing I wanted was to be comfortable in my own skin. I wanted to love every curve and love handle, I wanted my stomach to be my friend, not my enemy and at one point, I thought he was the answer. Until he wasn’t.  That part of my life was one of the worsts. Even after the past . . . after that . . . after it happened before I met Kael, I did everything to own my own s****l power year after year refusing to let the world win. Then Kael came along and those insecurities rooted themselves deep and grew. All the power I thought I’d been building dispersed like fireflies as I covered up more, tamed my voice more, and hated myself more. I turned on my own body.  Hell, it was the sickest I had gotten! Apparently starving yourself with only a few bites of toast in the morning was enough to make your body turn on your mind the way my mind had turned on my body. That was the story of Kael.  The selfish, cruel, and arrogant lover. Yet when I broke it off none of those things came up. My lips sealed tight and my excuse was simple, “It’s not you, it’s me.” I guess a part of it was true. My past came up like a wrecking ball destroying every last pillar I’d spent years putting up and the gates opened letting them flood in.  I had to find myself but I didn’t expect Vince.  I never expected him to come out of the blue, to save me while I was drowning. But he did and for the first few years, I felt like I was me. The me who’d owned her body until I wasn’t. Until those years peeled away and I was left empty afraid to show any skin in public but somewhat comfortable around him only. I hadn’t owned anything, it was all a mask, those insecurities still burning like wildfire inside of me.  Then came Bayley.  God, that was the happiest I’d ever been in my life holding her little body in my arms, watching her grow into the beautiful strong little lady she was. And that’s when it hit me harder. I was a fake. I was no role model for my daughter. How could I be when I hated myself? When I couldn’t let myself just be? I wanted to own myself, own that burning need to devour every sensation to explore my pleasures without that goddamn fear, that nagging in the back of my head that made my stomach turn and my mind race. But how do you do that when you’re living in a constant comfort zone?  Vince was safe. He’d always been the safe choice but somehow, somewhere along the line, I chained myself up. I was caught in a cage and I couldn’t break out, I couldn’t find what my body wanted because . . . because he was there. He was so perfect but so far from what I needed but I loved him. That was a fact. It just wasn’t enough.  So here I was, drowning all over again in silence.  Whoever said s*x wasn’t important lied.  And again, it wasn’t that the s*x was bad, I mean at least I actually orgasmed but it just . . . it was safe. Everything with him was always so safe. No. I need to stop this.  Shaking my head, I reached back for the computer closing all the windows down and opening a private tab, an idea bursting out from all this trash. What if . . . what if s*x was the new topic? I mean everyone knows s*x sells right? But what kind of s*x? I opened the pornhub tab and sat there a little shocked at the first videos popping up. Well. Definitely not this. What are you interested in? That little voice in my head came to life and I bit down on my bottom lip as I let my fingers brush against the keyboard. I could feel my whole body shake a little with both excitement and a little bit of shame. It had been a good four, five years since I’d watched porn.  I clicked over to the first video feeling my eyes widen as the images flashing across the screen. My legs clenching and my fingers froze over the mouse as I felt that familiar throb down bellow come to life. Huh. Who would have thought . . .  “f**k!” I screamed as the screen suddenly fuzzed, green and blue lines racing across the screen as a loud ringing took over. “Oh, you have to be kidding me!” I cried jumping up. What a f*****g time to break down! I mean . . . ugh! “Only me. Only my ass gets caught in this stupid-” My ranting fell dead as I reached for my phone looking up repair numbers. I called up, directed to a lady who assured me she’d send someone over straight away to look at the issue.  Oh dear lord. If they see the page . . . Ah f**k. It’s not like I had much of a choice. I hurried into the bedroom, stripping down my clothes and pulling on an oversized blue shirt buttoning it up but leaving the first few buttons undone. I was just about to search my suitcase for a pair of shorts when the doorbell rang.  “One sec!” I screamed, throwing clothes onto the floor desperately. f**k! How did they even get here so quickly?! They pounded on the door impatiently and I gave up with a huff as I ran out to the front door, my shirt barely covering the black low cut panties. “Jez you couldn’t have-” My words fell dead as my eyes widened, those chocolate brown eyes staring right back at me.  Oh. My. God. No. Please . . . this . . . this can’t be happening . . .  “Kael?”