MONTE COSTA SERIES 4: ESTUARY OF LOVE

Kabanata 10

LINUS couldn't help but let out a heavy breath while he's walking with Ivler. Katatapos lang nilang mamingwit ngunit sa dalawang oras nilang pananatili roon, naubos na't lahat ang alak nila ay wala pa rin silang nahuli.

"Maybe fishing is a talent?" he asked.

Mahinang tumawa ang nakapamulsa at nakayuko lamang na si Ivler. Mayamaya ay sinipa nito ang bato sa daanan saka humugot ng hininga. "That's for sure, mate."

Nagtama ang kanilang mga tingin, at nang siguro ay may parehong naalala, halos sabay silang umiwas ng tingin at muling bumuntonghininga.

Their conversation about having families and being straight kind of bothered him. Hindi niya alam kung bakit nasaktan siya sa simpleng usapang iyon, na kung tutuusin ay dapat namang maging normal na usapan lamang ng dalawang tao, lalo ng dalawang parehong lalake.

Somehow, he had second thoughts about being straight, as if Ivler's words made him question his sexuality. Isang bagay na hindi naman dapat mangyari. Isa pa, kung sakali mang totoong may kakaiba siyang nararamdaman, hindi si Ivler ang tipo ng lalakeng pipiliin ang taliwas na landas.

Whatever it is that's driving him nuts in the past few days because Ivler is keeping his distance, he knew it's going nowhere but a painful dead end in case he'd entertain it.

He looked at the clubhouse from a distance. Bakit naman kasi mas trip pa nilang maglakad kaysa gumamit ng golf cart?

He sighed. Instead of letting the awkwardness envelope them, Linus decided to think of a topic to kill time.

"'Di ba tennis ang sports ng daddy mo?"

Ivler looked at him then nodded. "Yeah. He's coaching the national tennis team but he used to play for their college football team. He just loved tennis even more."

"Huh. So why football? Bakit hindi tennis?" he asked.

Ngumisi ito at nagkamot ng sintido. "I keep getting that question but usually, I'd just say I like football more since mahusay rin naman daddy ko mag-football." Humugot ito ng malalim na hininga. "But I think I have a better answer than that."

He combed his hair to the back while still looking at Ivler. "What is it then?"

"I uh... guess we never really know what we'd actually want unless we give ourselves a chance to try something else, rather than just sticking with what's we're expected to love. I gave myself the liberty to explore until I found where I truly belong." Tumingin ito sa nga bituin bago nagpatuloy. "Football is something I actually hated back then but look where I am now? Life is crazy."

Napalunok sandali si Linus. If only that principle is applicable in everything, maybe people will have more freedom to express and might no longer lie even to themselves. Napangiti siya nang mapakla sa naisip.

"Was military your first choice?"

"Hmm?" Bumaling siya rito saka umiling. "Nah. Never in my wildest dream that I thought of pursuing my career but... surprisingly, I fell in love with it." Napangisi siya. "The irony. I used to tell myself I would be this and I would be that but here I am now, completely in love with my profession."

"Well, life is full of surprises. I guess we'll never really know what's in-store for us." Humikab ito nang marating nila ang clubhouse. "See you tomorrow, mate."

Nakipag-fist bump siya rito bago sila naghiwalay ng daan, ngunit nakakailang hakbang pa lamang sila palayo sa isa't isa ay muli siyang tinawag ni Ivler.

"Linus."

He took a halt and looked at Ivler's mesmerizing blue eyes, waiting for him to speak. Hindi niya mapaliwanag kung bakit parang bigla siyang kinabahan... at umasa kahit paano na sana, kaya siya tinawag ay dahil sasabihin nito kung ano ang mga salitang nais marinig ng kanyang puso.

"Yeah?" he asked, trying to sound cool even when his heart is already acting wildly inside its own cage. Tila bawat lumilipas na sandali ay lalong nagwawala ang dibdib niya, pilit sumisigaw na tuluyan na niya itong pakawalan upang malaya itong makapunta sa tanging mga palad na nais nitong himlayan.

Sa mga palad ng taong ni sa hinagap ay hindi nita inakalang magagawang baliin lahat ng prinsipyo niya sa buhay bilang isang lalake.

Bumuka ang mga labi ni Ivler na parang may nais sabihin kaya lalong dumoble ang kabog ng dibdib niya. Anticipation and fear simultaneously thrummed in his veins as they kept their eyes locked, and with every passing moment that Linus is waiting, he felt like he's already losing his own self control.

May bahagi ng kanyang puso na nais nang basagin ang katahimikang lumukob sa kanila. Ang mga paa niya ay hindi na mapakali at tila gustong-gusto nang humakbang patungo sa direksyon ni Ivler, ngunit bago pa man napigtas ang kanyang kontrol sa sarili, lumamlam na ang mga mata nito kasabay ng pagbuntong hininga.

He almost felt his heart stopping from beating, because the moment Ivler flashed a broken smile at him, he already knew that all hopes were finally lost and his foolishness has already reached its end.

Ivler moistened his lower lip then flashed a wider broken smile at him. "Nothing, I uh. Just wanna say I had fun tonight... and that I appreciate your friendship, Linus. You are by far the best one to offer me company even just for a short while that we know each other."

Linus felt a painful tug in his heart after hearing Ivler's words. It was crystal clear now, where they stand and where they really should stay. Sinampal na siya nito ng katotohan at ang tanging magagawa na lamang niya ngayon ay tanggapin ang masakit na epekto sa kanya ng mga salitang binitiwan nito.

Somehow, he's still happy that Ivler appreciates him as a friend. Siguro nga ay dapat na lamang siyang makuntento roon at huwag nang sumugal pa sa isang bagay na umpisa pa lamang ay dapat alam na niyang talo siya.

Afraid that Ivler would think that he didn't appreciate what he just said, Linus flashed a ghost of a smile, his heart swelled for both pain and happiness.

"Me, too Beckham." He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Goodnight..."

Sumaludo na lamang ito gamit ang dalawang daliri saka na nakapamulsang tumalikod. Bumaling na rin siya sa daan patungo sa kanyang cabin, ngunit bago pa siya muling naglakad, muli siyang nagpakawala ng marahas na buntong hininga.

This is the part where you will completely throw away whatever crazy feelings you're starting to develop, Linus. You're clearly not on the same page.

Napalunok siya nang sumikip ang kanyang dibdib. He finally admitted it to himself... right when he also realized that it shouldn't continue anymore. Hindi sila talo, at kung ayaw niyang mawala ang magandang pagkakaibigang nasimulan na nila ni Ivler, kailangan niya nang ayusin ang takbo ng kanyang isip magmula ngayon.

NAPAGTANTO ni Ivler na hindi siya handang itapon ang magandang pagkakaibigang nabubuo nila ni Linus habang tumatagal kaya nang muntik na siyang mapaamin kanina na nagsisimula na siyang malito, tinikom niyang muli ang kanyang bibig at hindi na lamang tinuloy pa ang tunay na dapat sasabihin.

He walked towards the other direction with a heavy heart after he gave Linus a salute. Ngunit ilang hakbang pa lang ang nagagawa niya, muli na siyang napahinto at hindi napigilan ang sariling lingunin ito.

Ivler watched Linus walk away, and as Linus goes farther and farther from him, Ivler slowly lets go of the forbidden feelings he developed for Linus in a short period of time.

He sighed as he kept his gaze at Linus' back. "Bakit kasi sayo pa?" he uttered in a low, almost a whisper tone.

Maybe it's the alcohol that's finally giving him the chance to be honest with himself. All these time he's being denial that Linus managed to make him question a lot of things about himself effortlessly, and right now, all he could do was admit it before it destroys their friendship.

Napagtanto niya na ngayon kung saan ba patungo ang iritasyon na nadama niya para kay Linus at Micah. He wasn't mad... but jealous rather, because his heart already learned to open its doors to someone he clearly couldn't have.

He is... admitting it now to himself...

He's slowly falling for the guy he used to have a lot of fights with, but as long as it's clear that they will never be on the same page, his feelings shouldn't bloom into something more serious.

Kailangan na niyang isalba ang sarili dahil kay Linus na nagmula ang sagot kanina. They are straight men, and confessing that he's starting to fall for Linus wouldn't change Linus' sexuality. He will always be a straight man who will never give up his dreams of having a wife and his own kids someday.

Mga bagay na hindi kayang ibigay ng isang kapwa lalakeng tulad niya...

Sa huli ay sarili niya lamang din ang sasaktan niya. He's terrified of one-sided love because he'd seen how such kind of love destroyed his older brother, so if he needs to do something about this as early as now, he'd do it.

He'd rather keep Linus as a friend than lose him because of his forbidden feelings... dahil alam niyang oras na mawala ito nang tuluyan ay hindi na magbabalik pa sa dati ang buhay niya..