family come first going back to Detroit to make sure my sister is good and not trying to give up hope because of her illness
5000 Words
I guess you could never say never cuz you don't know what God got in store for you. I didn't want to have to go backwards in life but when my sister can't do the things she used to be able to do I have to go backwards meaning I never wanted to go back to Detroit Michigan I always want to stay away from that place cuz that's where my PTSD started from I thought moving away from where I was born and raised would make life easier and better for me well it did at first when I have my wife with me but sadly and 20/20 godsend for her I didn't know what I was going to have to face at the time I wasn't prepared life took a real told all my life now my calling is to go back to Detroit to make sure my sister is motivated to do what she needs to do to get better and if I didn't go back to make sure she good I don't know where she would be at or how life would be with her without her and that is something that I don't want to know about or even think about I'm doing the right thing I think even though I have said I didn't want to go back to the Detroit Michigan but I think this is where I need to go and make sure that my sister live longer and help her as much as I can as well as helping myself and being her motivator and let her know that it's not too late everything will be okay I got you if nobody else do which apparently nobody else do cuz she got to do everything herself and then there's not much she can do she was diagnosed with lymphedema and I never thought that she would be in a situation like that she is the type of person that always cleaning up her house and just being herself you know and every time I talk to her she tells me what she can't do and then she got all those people in the house with her that ain't even being helpful not even her own son that she birthing this world he's an a****** sad but true at any company that used to come over there and visit her he ran them away cuz he would get into an altercation with them not physically but arguing with them starting stuff with them now they don't even want to come to our house no more as long as he's living there and he don't even want to pay rent no more either so she's really like going through it but I'll do whatever I possibly can to make sure she get through it and she get back on her feet but emphasis on her feet
I don't know how my life would be if my sister was taken away from me I don't ever want to think like that that's why I have to go back to Detroit where I was born to help her and make sure she could because it seems as if nobody else gave a f*** just want to use her for her house it saddens me to say this but it's the truth she only have one biological son and one that she been raising he's 13 and she put a lot on him cuz her older son don't want to do nothing except drink and get high and working make his money spending it foolishly and not helping his mama I don't like that either I'm going to do whatever I possibly can to help her get back on her feet and then I will be leaving Detroit moving to Texas cuz that's where I want to be it's complicated right now the way things are but you best to believe I'm not going to be that far you can pick your friends but you can't choose who your family are we have to learn to embrace and appreciate the family that we have cuz there are so many people dying left and right and if I could prevent that from happening to my sister I will I would have never ever ever been able to forgive myself as something was to happen to her and I could have been there helping her she's been crying out I'm going to do what I can to help my sister put her back on her feet I guess you could say you can never say never cuz you never know what you got to do who you got to save some people may think that this just an excuse for me to want to go back home kind of soda not really but then it is because life has been such a struggle for me since I lost my wife 3 years ago I was homeless living in a shelter oh that everything that happened it was amazing what happened to me if I go back in time I'll probably will never try to be in another relationship with anybody I would have been trying to work on myself then worry about trying to be into another relationship but when you're used to somebody being with you waking up with somebody next to you and then all of a sudden you waking up alone and just got your four-legged friend laying next to you you miss that and that's what I was missing and I didn't even care I just needed somebody next to me it wasn't even the point of being intimate with me just having somebody there was enough for me but look what happened for doing that it's okay though cuz I'm going to be okay Life goes on you never know what happened to you and a split second you couldn't have told me that I was going to be a widow I never thought that in a million years but you know what my wife knew that her time was coming near I think on the side she was trying to prepare me but I kept the blindfolds on and didn't want to believe that that's what she was doing she already knew that she wasn't going to be here no more I just was a matter of time before she didn't fight no more she fought a good battle she was here for a while but I guess she was tired but you know what I enjoy the time that we spent with each other the lives to talks the cuddling with each other sitting on the couch watching TV together laughing just only want to be with her I did not have eyes for no one else never thought about being with anyone else but her I couldn't see my life without her now I have no choice but to see how life is without her and it's a struggle you don't understand how much you miss a person until they are not on this Earth anymore where you can't pick up the phone and call them and hear their voice anymore or you can get a text message from them anymore you don't understand how that feel unless you been in my shoes now I don't know what it's like to lose a child that hurts like hell too I can imagine cuz you carry that child for 9 months and something tragic happen where your child is not here no more on this Earth I don't know how that feel but I do know what it feels like to lose your spouse I know what that feels like and it still hurts to this day I know it's been 3 years and many more years to come but she would never be forgotten I always have her in my heart I know that and then I have a portrait of her tattooed on my left upper arm I will first tattoos was each other's first name on our wrist that was something that we did before we made it official and then a couple of days after that we went downtown and actually made it official that was the best day of my life to be marrying a person that actually show me what it feels like to love she showed me what love feels like how it should be and it was real we didn't put on the front our love was so strong and real even outside the doors even inside the doors we just love each other so much people was jealous of our relationship they wanted what we had but trust and believe we had to go through a lot to get to where we was at a lot of blood sweat and tears that we had to get through in order to really be together and finally say I do life was so wonderful when she was here we talked about everything it didn't matter what it was good bad or ugly we talked about it and if we was to get into an argument we will make sure that we don't go to bed mad at each other we've been a squash whatever we got an argument about and it was something tedious nothing to the point where it's like I want a divorce we never said those words we never said that I need a break from you I don't understand that how people say well we was on a break you was doing you and I was doing me we never did that cuz she used to say if you say that you need a break then you can stay on a break meaning we're not getting back together at all it's over it's a rap we never did that we were together for like 12 and a half years strong and never was a break it wasn't on again off again relationship once we was on we was on through it all good that time we will still together cuz it was almost a time that we was going to break up but we didn't we fought through that we talked about everything and we got it together and we still was together you know I had a beautiful relationship with her I am so grateful and thankful and also humble to have her in my life as long as I did have her cuz when I got with her she was 38 years old she always been 8 years older than me and it was something that was at first she was kind of insecure she was thinking I was cheating on her or whatever but I've never cheated on her long as we was together never looked at another woman or nothing or man or nothing she was all I wanted and all I needed but to not have her here anymore to laugh with to talk with to cry with to hold me when I'm going through something f****** hurts and you never know how much you miss a person until they're not here anymore and I mean deceased you can't hear their voice no more they're not hugging you loving all on you caress your body stimulating your mind to not have that anymore it hurts like f****** hell like your body is f****** burning I can't no water or nothing stop your body from burning that's how it f****** feels that you're on fire not having that person with you anymore that you love so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with you said those vows to each other and you live by them you never knew that it was going to come to a point where you literally had to take care of your spouse I know what that feel like it had got to that point where she has so depressed that she didn't want to bathe or nothing she has so depressed but she didn't really want to do nothing for us so but with me being her wife I don't have a problem with bathing her uplifting her making her feel wanted I didn't care that she had to be on oxygen 24/7 I didn't care that she was diagnosed as a diabetic I didn't care that at night she had the sweet with a CPAP I didn't care I took care of her to death departs us and I got honestly say that I actually took care of my wife until her heart stopped I can remember the last words that she has said and it was babe I can't breathe that was the last time I ever heard anything come out of her mouth after that didn't hear nothing I can't believe it sometimes that this happened to me but you know what it didn't kill me it didn't destroy me actually made me stronger to be able to deal with a lot of situations that I had to face I remember a lot of things that you have said to me words phrases that she used to use one phrase she's always say was get it to just hear her say that was funny my wife had a beautiful voice I can remember the first song that she song to me without music and I knew nothing about Michael Bolton the song was called soul provider that is a beautiful song and when I hear of course I cry because I think of her singing that song to me then the other song she used to sing to me was I'm done by the pussycat Dolls I love that song too it's a lot of music that it's kind of hard for me to listen to because I think of her I know she wouldn't want me to keep on being sad because she's not here anymore I know that but it's hard because we had such a beautiful marriage relationship I know that she's in a better place and she's at peace she's with a lot of her loved ones that she lost it will be 4 years next year or her death date come up I am hoping and praying that I'm happy about you and a healthy relationship and I plan on being married again and I also plan on having a child I am talking to a man now it is kind of complicated because who his mom is and everything that he's going through all because he wants me I believe he is worth being with marrying have his first child cuz he don't have no children that's going to be awesome if I'm able to carry a baby be happy and married treated like a queen and doing what I love doing and that's singing and everyone will be able to hear me I plan on doing a book too by my life and how I had to crawl before I was able to become very successful that is the goal and I'm going to accomplish that go please believe that nothing much I'm achieving my goal there's always going to be some obstacles and tribulations that we have to face to become very successful but it's going to be fine cuz who I got behind me I am going to be making money I am going to be famous and it's going to be wonderful I'll be able to live the life that I deserve to live not struggling no more not being depressed anymore happy tears that's what I'm after I want to smile so hard that it hurts my face and I know that that is going to happen and due time cuz God got me and I am covered with the blood of Jesus and I have a kiss to share with the world I already have so many people love me strangers that I don't even know just by them looking at my profile picture they feel comfortable talking to me that's a blessing I do appreciate people that adores me like that it makes me feel happy warm and fuzzy inside I feel like I will be on the top of the Moon and I know it's coming just have to be patient lately it's been a lot of these psychics or tarot readers want to read me want to do a reading on me but nowadays don't nobody do stuff about the goodness of their heart they want you to pay them so it's like I don't have no money that's what I keep on telling you they be so aggressive and want to keep on saying but I need to do this reading on you and you have people that envy you want to do harm to you you know it's like okay I don't know who I want to harm me but you never know nowadays cuz there are people jealous I don't even know why they're jealous of you but that's the way we're living today people are very jealous and envious and they want to do you like you ain't worth nothing or you're not worthy of having nice things or having a beautiful home beautiful family I feel like you're not worthy of that and that's the way we live in today which is sad but it's so freaking true it's always a competition that's crazy I don't compete against nobody I never will because I don't think that I'm better than anybody I'm nothing like that I don't like having to compete against no cause ain't nobody perfect so I'm having a competition for nobody I'm not in competition for somebody to love me I'm having a competition for somebody to take care of me I'm not a competition for somebody. I'm not a competition at all of us I just sit back and be still and wait for God to tell me okay Sparkle it's your time shine real bright show them what you are blessed with let the world hear you and understand you and feel you I'm just waiting for the day to come I might have no competition with nobody cuz I know my talent is going to leave me the right way I am extremely talented I have a gift that God gave me and I will use it I have a voice and that's going to be great for everyone to hear me I understand me cuz I have a voice my calling I know it's coming I can't wait to see you my love though I could feel him close to me Chris armstrapped around me and he telling me love you and we're going to be just fine that's just pray keep you moving amen you find out a lot when you go to things you find out who for you and who against you people do not want to see others prosper they want to see you miserable and sad and depending on other people and begging I have done that so much asking and hoping but you know what still nothing it's all good though I'm going to be fine my daughter she's going to be fine too cuz the struggle been real for the both of us although she been holding down the job which is good I can't work due to my vertigo I used to work at different warehouses until I was diagnosed with vertigo how I can't believe it sometimes that I can't physically work unless I find something for a home a remote job then I'll be fine I probably do that once I'm in Detroit find something I just got to get the credentials that's needed to succeed that's what's been a problem not having all the credentials as needed cuz I would have been working from home but it's okay cuz everything going to be fine please believe that cuz this ain't nothing but my testimony and it would get better I know it will you know why because God got me and everything is going to be fine I want to have a love of my life we are going to be just fine my life and like a lifetime movie it's crazy cuz things that I have been through it's been something to deal with but it hasn't killed me so it ain't did nothing but make me stronger it's all good though I would be okay you know that song is leap in this old building and my soul has got to move in other words it's time to move and I stay there with leaking at cuz you know when something is leaking from the ceiling you got to find something to patch that hold up if not it's just going to keep on leaking so when that song says there's a leak in this all building and my soul has got to move my soul has got to move she basically saying it's time to move on that building is old now it's time to move away from it's time to move on to start something new do something better and that's what I was striving for a ride today I don't want to stay in a leaking building I want to move to something better that's going to be better for my life and for myself be happy I'm not struggle anymore this life been something else for me like I said you find out who your real friends are real people are when the struggle is real needless to say wasn't many friends that I had that was there for me maybe one too if that but at the end of the day it is what it is cuz I pray that my life changed for 2024 cuz baby these past 3 years been something else and it's time to stop talking about it I started trying to do what's needed to better myself to better my life cuz it's only one me and I have to take care of me before I let a guy take care of me some of the music that I listen to they all have messages in them and I get it and understand it that's why I love music so much because some of these songs I can relate to a lot of them actually but I don't like cigarettes that stuff stink and it gets in your clothes any lingers I can't stand it no I don't smoke that's better that way
I made the move I am now in Detroit Michigan I got here on December 13th 2023 I made it I am now living with my sister she has lymphedema and I have been cooking and cleaning for her making sure she could it's a challenge for me but I don't care family comes first I am happy that I'm back home now I will do whatever I can to make sure my sister get well and to keep her uplifted because I don't know how it feels something was to happen to her she's my only sister that I have it has been a struggle though I'm not going to lie about that but I'm doing it it's all new to me she's very particular too certain ways you want her clothes wash certain ways you want her food cooked I don't know but I got her and I learned how to deal with her and her personality totally different than what I'm used to but I wouldn't change her for the world I'm so happy to be back home though definitely with family blood related family and then my friends are here too so I'm blessed right now happy and you know what it hasn't even been cold here yet I know it's coming but hey I'm home that's all that matters it was crazy though cuz when my mom found out I was here in the way they surprised her they blindfolded her her to come over here and I came out singing to her and everything you know she didn't even know it was me even when she took the blindfold so she was in shock and then when she realized it was me it was epic because she started crying and said she prayed for this day and it was beautiful the most craziest one though is when my baby brother seen me he just kept on saying oh my God oh my God he was in disbelief and that person don't never show emotions it was bittersweet to see that though you know so I've been okay being around my family that loves me I've been Loved unconditional I'm so happy that I came back home I should have came back a long time ago but I had to see was like on my own I had hope that things was going to work out but it didn't it's like everything that I was trying to do it kept on failing it never went through straight through and was a success but you know what that's okay cuz I know being back at home I'm going to be good not going to be struggling anymore cuz I'm around my family and they're not going to let me struggle they're going to do whatever they possibly can to help me and I appreciate that I'm praying that everything continues to work out I did bring my wife urn with me of course I wasn't going to leave her I'm back in Detroit while I'm born and raised not going back to Phoenix Arizona ever again and I'm hoping that my daughter finally decide to do what she's going to do cuz right now she having these stupid ass suicidal thought she need to get that s*** out of her head it's always over these stupid ass n****** I'm just going to keep praying for her that's all I'm going to do I can't do nothing else but it's up a fact is she grown and she got to make her own decisions at the end of the day sad but true but I know everything's going to work out cuz I'm just going to keep praying for her and asking God to look over her and keep wrapping his arms around her and make sure she don't do nothing stupid to herself cuz I'm not there to stop her I'm all the way in a different state she where she at on where I'm at she got to stop this shenanigans and keep being strong like I told her she's strong she's not weak I don't know what I would do if she wasn't here anymore I already lost my wife I don't want to lose my child I don't know if I'll be able to live for myself or something happened to her I will feel very empty definitely if it's something like this word to the point where she want to take her life over garbage ass nigga who's not worth s*** in my eyes it seems like it's a pattern with her though every time she get with somebody they be on some b******* and she don't want to date her own race she weather be with a Korean or Asian Korean person it's the truth and I always crush her I'm tired of it I had a good day today until she called me telling me that she's having a suicidal thoughts that she called a suicide hotline and like I told her you got options you got a strong support system behind you you got one there with you and you got someone here with you you don't have to be where you at but she got to learn I guess and I just hope that you don't do nothing real f****** stupid the devil always trying to be busy with me and my family but I'm not going to let the devil win cuz you're not going to take my daughter away from me or anybody else for that matter our God stand strong and he's going to always be here and never judge that's crazy though cuz the devil always coming in trying to ruin something destroy something I'm not going to let him go I rebuke you in the name of Jesus I rebuke you in the name of Jesus I rebuke you in the name of Jesus I step on you and the name of Jesus you will not take my daughter away from me you will get those thoughts out of her head God get those thoughts out of her head because she does not need to do this crazy s*** you talking about that's nothing but the f****** devil talking to her she cannot let that bastard win leave her alone devil I rebuke you in the name of Jesus I rebuke you and the name of Jesus I rebuke you in the name of Jesus I rebuke you in the name of Jesus leave my child alone leave my family alone I rebuke you in the name of Jesus leave my family alone I rebuke you in the name of Jesus leave my family alone I rebuke you in the name of Jesus leave my family alone I rebuke you in the name of Jesus leave my family alone stay away from them I rebuke you I rebuke you I rebuke you I rebuke you rebuke you I rebuke you and the name of Jesus be my family alone I rebuke you in the name of Jesus leave them alone let my daughter figure out what she need to figure out on her own I don't need you devil to figure out any damn thing for her I rebuke you in the name
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