The Light in my Darkest Path

I looked at the people passing by in front of me. Begging to give me a piece of bread and some coins. Some of them are students while others are office workers.  They look at me with disgust while covering their nose. What a sight for me. What can I expect? I'm a beggar. But I'm hungry. I need to endure their stares.  I raised my hand while holding a can. It has few coins inside. I shook it to catch people's attention.  "Alms... Alms... I'm hungry... Please spare me some food..."  "I haven't eaten any meal... Please spare me even a piece of bread..."  My lips are trembling. They will just look at me for a second and continue to walk away from me. I am hungry and thirsty, but no one wants to help me.  I put down the can I am holding and looked at the people holding some food in their hands while walking.  My mouth watered seeing them eating those foods. Hamburger, Hotdogs, Buko Juice. 10 years ago. I also eat those kinds of foods.  I used to be able to buy one but here I am now begging for people to give me a piece of bread, looking while they're eating. I pity myself.  10 years ago I can walk, jump, and run. But look at me now. All that I can do with these feet is to crawl. What happened to me 10 years ago? My eyes heated.  I don't want to remember what happened but it always haunts me. I raise my hand again.  "Alms... Alms..."  It never crosses my mind that I would end up like this. I was a tricycle driver and a janitor in a public school. I have two daughters and a lovely wife.   I am happy even if there were times that we face financial problems. My eldest is a college student and my youngest is a senior high school student.  I have two jobs because being a tricycle driver is not enough to pay for the tuition of my daughters, buy meals, and pay bills. I ate three times a day.  There was always a 'meryenda' every time I will take a break in my work as a janitor.   One night, I called my wife because I felt like my head will break because of too much pain.  "Tay? Are you okay?" My youngest daughter asked me and I just smiled at her.  I stood up to get myself water but everything went black. That was the last thing I remember before I passed out.  The next thing I knew I was at the hospital. My wife was crying and also my eldest daughter. I opened my mouth to ask them why were they crying but as soon as I open it, the words I uttered were hard to understand. I couldn't talk properly.  I can't even open my mouth wide enough. I removed the blanket that was covering my feet. I was going to stand but I felt nothing.  I looked at my feet horribly. I tried to move them but nothing happened. I looked at my wife with a worried face. What happened? No words came from me.  My wife did not say anything. She cried and that's when my daughter informed me the sad news.  "The doctor said you can't walk anymore, Tay."  After that day, everything has changed. I had to stop working.  My wife needed to find a job so that she can provide for the family's needs, as well as my expensive medications. I always caught her crying alone in a corner. One time, I called her because I need help to go to the bathroom but she didn't hear me.  I called her name as loud as I can because I don't think I can hold it any longer. When she came in the room, she was so mad. What made it worse was I ended up peeing in our bed.  She yelled because of frustration. She slapped me hard. She said all her whims about me.  "What am I going to do with you?! I told you to call me if you need to go to the bathroom! Look what you did!"  I tried to make an explanation but she couldn't understand what I was saying. So, I just let her to physically hurt me.  I endured all of it because I understand her. She was tired. I called my eldest to please bring me a glass of cold water but she didn't obey me.  She just looked at me with a dark face. Maybe she's blaming me because she had to stop going to school.  I crawl to get myself water. Every night before I sleep, I blame myself for what happened to my family, for what happened to me.  It is my entire fault why my wife needed to go to work and why my eldest needed to dropped out from school.  I cry every night and ask God why all of these are happening to me? The next day when I woke up, my wife was throwing away all of my things. I crawled to take it all back to its places.   "I am so tired taking care of you! I am so tired working just to buy your medicines! I am so tired understanding and staying here with you! If you're going to die, why not now? Just die!"  Every word felt like a knife cutting my heart into pieces. This is the family I treasure. The family I love. Tears started to flow. I always wake up at exactly 4 am to cook breakfast.  Then, I wake up my wife and my daughters at 5 am so that they can eat. At 6 am, I will roam around our community to get passengers. Before 8, I need to go back so that I can bring my daughters in their school.  At exactly 3 pm, I need to go to the public school near our barangay where I work as a janitor. I need to clean until 8 at night.  Then, from 8 pm to 10 pm, I go around our barangay again to get passengers for extra income. Even if it's raining heavily or extremely hot outside, I did not care because I'm doing it for my family.  I will endure everything them. But why? Why are they letting me go so easily? One night my wife guided me to get on the tricycle. She said we're going to the hospital for a check-up appointment. I came with her because I trust her.  But my trust brought me where? The road was unfamiliar. The hospital is just near where we live that's why I know my wife lied to me. We stop in the middle of the road. No houses. Just tall grasses.   "I'm so tired of you." My wife said and she forcedly throws me out of the tricycle.  "Die here." She said and went inside immediately then they stormed away.  I shouted. I was angry.  Why all of these happened to me? Why? Tears flowed. I cannot contain all of these. I didn't know my wife, the love of my life, did this to me.  She knows I am disabled. But still chose to leave me. I tried to stand up but my feet failed me. I punched my feet and cried. Useless! Pathetic!   I looked at the sky and asked God why? Why are all of these happening to me?  "Please eat?"