Life is not a dream

We meet again

My sister Beth realized I was spending more time at home than usual, but she didn't bother me with questions. Although we were very close, I didn't feel like talking about what had happened to me and admitting the huge screw-up I had committed. As far as my feelings are concerned, I've always been very secretive. Sharing feelings has always been very difficult for me.

On the bar's birthday gala night. All the “habitues” were there. I didn't want to go, I didn't feel like a party atmosphere, but Beth left me no choice. They were all counting on my presence. I had to go, and I'd exhausted all excuses to dodge.

I was nervous about coming back. It had been a few months since I last appeared in the bar but I was received with great affection and longing for all. All my fears were gone. I felt at home again but my eyes kept traveling around the bar without even realizing it. They were desperately looking for something, but what? It wasn't hard to answer that question as soon as Sean walked into the bar.

Since it was late when he arrived with his group of friends the bar was already full and the only places available to them was at the bottom of the bar. He didn't even bother to slide his gaze across the bar. There was nothing or anyone he was looking for. He didn't count on seeing me there.

I tried to eliminate that thought from my head, but my thoughts had a life of their own. I had to test that theory then.

I got up and went to the bathroom that was right next to the stage. When I got back to my place, I took my time. I stood in the hall that gave access to the bathroom and stopped staring in the direction Sean was sitting and waited for his gaze to find mine. It didn't take long.

As soon as his eyes found mine I couldn't suppress the little smile that slipped out of my lips when I noticed his reaction. He seemed to have run out of air.

I know I had decided to forget Sean but after what I had been through with Felix feeling again the gentle warmth that invaded my heart and traveled all over my body every time I was near Sean or simply thinking about him made me feel alive again.

 is

I was pleased to see h reaction and I headed to my place while his eyes remained in me.

As soon as I sat in my place he automatically got up and headed to the bathroom, but stopped when he got to our table and started greeting everyone who was there. Beth and I were further away and the only way he could greet us was by stretching out his hand and giving a little squeeze. So did to Beth and then he came to me. When our hands touched I could again feel the sparks and heat traveling through my body. His hand hesitated to let go of mine and kept it tight as he slowly walked away. Our touch has remained until our fingertips finally drift away due to the distance from our bodies.

I smiled internally at that gesture. Again I began to rave about all that situation telling myself that he loved me. I was already and again imagining all our romance and even our marriage.

 My gaze anticipated for him, but I tried to avoid looking in his direction, through the corner of his eye I could see when he got up and headed for our table. I felt once again my heart racing. Would he sit close to me?

As soon as he approached he completely ignored me and just talked to Beth asking her to go to his table to talk and she just went there.

I couldn't believe I'd stayed there, alone, lost in the confusion of my feelings and thoughts once again.

I stayed alone for the rest of the night. A loner surrounded by people.

Some of my friends came to talk to me and find out about my life because I hadn't shown up for a while, but my concentration was on Sean's table and the enthusiastically conversation between he and my sister.

The night went too slow.

I felt my guts gnawing in curiosity to know what they were talking about, but since I wouldn't admit to anyone, not even Beth, what I felt for Sean couldn't ask her what they talked about so much.

During the week I tried to talk to Beth about the gala night implying that I was missing the staff and that I wanted to find out about their lives. Actually, I just wanted to hear about Sean, but I wasn't going to ask her directly.

Beth told me about almost everyone who was present at the party, but of course, to further aggravate my curiosity, she left Sean and his friends aside.

As during my "relationship" with Felix I did not go to the bar with Beth because he couldn't afford, she arranged another company and stopped inviting me to go with her and so I was away again at the bar for a few more weeks and started spending my nights alone.

Beth only realized the separation when New Year's Eve came and noticed that I was going to be home alone. My "dear boyfriend" had already made plans for New Year's Eve with his other girlfriend even before I broke up with him.

Obviously Beth didn't allow me to be alone, and even though she didn't make a reservation for me, she made me go with her. She immediately called Francis to explain the situation and ask for an exception so I could go. Gentle as always he did not deny Beth's request and received me back with all the affection with which he always treated us.

That night I felt good again. It was where I belonged and it had been a big mistake on my part to give up something so important to me by someone who proved so insignificant.

It was a lesson that came to life. Never, but ever we sould give up on what is important to us and loved by any man. If he loves us then he has to love everything unconditionally, never expect or demand that we change.

Whoever's waiting for us to change doesn't deserve to be on our side.

On that New Year's Eve, my resolutions were quite different from the previous year. This time I wasn't going to give up on my true feelings.