Life is not a dream

Surrender and repentance

Although I couldn't get Sean out of my thoughts, my decision to bet everything on Felix. I was still determined to forget and try to overcome the great love I felt for Sean and was willing to do whatever it took and change even my way of thinking.

The last messages I exchanged with Sean in which he expressed his jealousy that I was dating contradicted the last conversation I had with him, having his friend warn me that nothing could happen between us was the drop of water.

Somehow this contradiction resonated in my head and I found myself thinking that as long as I was pure and innocent he wouldn't want anything to do with me. It was as if I was a strange and undesirable being and my virginity was a burden I had to get rid of. I even believed I was so wrong to want to save myself for my great love.

My relationship with Felix was moving too fast, but I didn't even want to think about it. I was convinced that I was doing what was best for me and I ignored all my fears and gave up my ideals.

To make matters worse, the confusion that was going on in my head when I told Felix it was still a virgin, he didn't contain his laughter. It seemed like my thoughts were right and I was very wrong to want to save myself for my great love. Even though he laughed in my face and even made fun of me, he tried to calm me down by saying he liked me enough to help me get over my problem. Now that I think about it it, it is as if we were talking about a terrible disease. Anyway, it turned out to be one more reason to convince me to give felix everything about me.

I ended up surrendering to his advances and encouragements and gave myself to him.

I dreamed of a romantic first time and full of love, affection, understanding and of course pleasure, but it was none of that what happened to me. I didn't feel anything but pain, discomfort and shame. My pain was both physical and emotional.

It was horribly painful. None of his gestures or touches had any feelings or meaning. It was all very cold and calculated.

He tried to convince me that because it was the first time it was normal not to like it and not to feel any kind of pleasure.  Some friends also had bad first experiences too, but over time things got better.

The following times with him were equally painful. Felix never took any care of my feelings nor ever tried to make me feel good and relax. Since we were something like boyfriends I felt it was my obligation to give in to their whims so it was all always cold and calculated. There was not even a small sample of affection and romance in his actions. Each time it was as horrible as the previous one and I couldn't understand all the locomotion around that horrendous act like having s*x. I even thought I had a problem and I'd never be able to like it. I'm glad I was wrong.

Now I can understand that for Felix I was just another s****l experience except that he was able to take someone's virginity. It was and is increasingly rare to have virgins in their twenties and with the age advancing Felix's opportunity to devirginize someone was disappearing so he did not hesitate to "do me the favor" (as he said). He said he was going to teach me how to be a better woman.

It didn't take long to regret my decision. I wish I could bring it back so badly and never get involved with Felix. He was the worst decision I could have ever made. If I could erase any part of my life, it would be this one.

I just don't waste too much time on this story. It's just not worth it.

Every moment I spent with Felix was getting more and more frustrating for me and I wanted to stop it, but I didn't know how. As if that wasn't enough he had the nerve to start dating another girl and still had the courage to tell me and say that sharing him it would do me good. It was more of an experience I needed to live to be a woman altogether. I tried to break up with him, but he wouldn't let me. He was possessive and I was weak and he knew it. He always got what he wanted with me.

I ended up gaining courage and broke up with him but once again he did everything he could to change my mind and wouldn't let me go until I told him I'd changed my mind.

I played his game. With a false smile he said everything was fine between us. I put up with a little more, and then I found an excuse to leave. I was very affectionate in my farewell as always and as I got on the bus I noticed the air of victory that hung on Felix's face. As soon as the bus started to drift away I sent him a message saying that it was really all over us and that I never wanted to see him again. I could still see the air of victory disappearing from his face. There was nothing else he could do to change my mind.

His possessive side only worked when he was present. By phone and messages it was no longer the same thing and the fact that he did not know where I lived because he had never been interested in coming to me (I had to go to him) also benefited me. He no longer had power. I had no choice but to change my number because he kept calling me and texting me and he was even being aggressive, but I didn't regret it. Getting rid of him completely was the best I could have done.

A lot of people may think I was a coward, but it's the only way I could do it, and I don't regret it.

I did what it took to finally be free.

No one should remain in a possessive or even violent relationship.

Fortunately for me, the relationship was only possessive and lasted a short time.