Ordinary Lives: Deniz

''Good morning son, sit down at the breakfast table right away or you'll be late.. Oh, you have dark circles under your eyes again, you're not a teenager anymore, you're a grown man with a job. Why don't you set your bedtime? You played computer games until morning again, didn't you? '' '' These are not called "computer games" mom..'' '' Good morning, I see that your mom started scolding you with full performance early in the morning. What did you do again that made your mom complain so much?'' Deniz wanted to open his mouth and talk, to explain himself, but instead he chose to take a sip of the tea in his cup and remain silent. He no longer had the desire or strength to explain himself to anyone. Although he was only in his twenties, he felt like an old and broken man. It had become much easier to remain silent and let everything pass rather than try to explain and fix it. He had given up on himself too early and he knew it, but there was nothing he could do. Life meant nothing to him. So he wanted to eat his breakfast quietly and go to work. ''Oh, and before I forget, tomorrow night you will have dinner with my friend Ayten's daughter Leyla. You are now of marriageable age, Deniz, you have no right to keep us waiting any longer. We want to see a grandchild before we die. Your father and I have no other heir to whom we can entrust the olive groves.'' Deniz's family was not a very rich family, but they had a considerable life and inheritance. They had six acres of olive groves in the Aydin district of Aegean and a few houses in various parts of Izmir. They were an ordinary Aegean family living their own lives. When Deniz was a child, he loved that olive grove very much, but now he hated it. This inheritance had become a burden for him. And that wasn't the only reason.. When Deniz was eight years old, he had to stay with his mother and grandmother in the olive groves in Aydin for a while because his grandmother got sick. That summer was the best summer of his life. The days there were full of joy and fun and finally the first days of autumn had come. These were his last weeks in the olive grove, so Deniz played in the olive grove whenever he had the chance. On such a day, he was running in the light and cool breeze. Deniz, who loved to run freely in the olive grove, was lost that day because he had run so much that he had not even noticed that he had entered the neighboring olive grove. Not knowing what to do, he sat under a tree and started to cry.. The approach of one of the seasonal workers gave Deniz hope, it meant that he was saved and could return to the home. Deniz knew this man well, he was very tall, big and dark. For some reason, Deniz had always been a little afraid of this man, but the man had never done anything to him, until that day. The man slowly approached him, when he realized that he was lost, he took Deniz in his arms, pretended to help him and started touching Deniz's private parts at the same time, when the man's hand was positioned in an uncomfortable position behind his body, Deniz started to scream loudly, cry and ask for help, thanks to this method his mother taught him, he saved himself from something worse by screaming with all the power of his lungs. After this incident, the man quickly disappeared and Deniz was left alone in fear, but fortunately, the owner of the neighboring olive grove found him and brought him to his family. This incident shook Deniz very much and caused trauma. After this incident, he did not leave the house for days and in the following years he started to stay away from people. In the following years, Deniz discovered his attraction to men and had difficulty accepting that he was gay due to this trauma. He vehemently denied that he could be gay until his senior year of high school, thinking that this was due to the trauma he had experienced in the past when that damned man touched him in a strange way. Deniz had to spend the best years of his life in fear, doubt, hesitation and denial. Although accepting his own nature and homosexuality gave him some peace, he had difficulty approaching people due to the trauma he had experienced and this had dragged him into a painful scenario that he was not prepared for at all during his university years. It was painful for him to even think about these things. He took a deep breath; ''Mom, why do you say such strange things? My elder sister is also the heir of this house. She can inherit the olive groves and she and her family can continue this legacy. I don't want to get married or have children. Besides, Leyla has been my friend since childhood and I've never looked at her that way. There's no way.'' ''Your elder sister will of course get her share of the inheritance but she will not get the whole inheritance, as a son this duty is your responsibility. If you do not want to marry Leyla, choose the woman you will marry yourself, otherwise you will go to that dinner tomorrow night and this marriage will take place.'' "Your mother is right. Don't anger her any further, son. I have no intention of leaving the management of our entire estate to your sister's gambling husband. That's all there is to it." Deniz felt hopeless up to his neck.. At some point he would have to come out to his family as gay, but he was too scared to do so. Although his family were warm and loving people, they were a bit too strict and narrow-minded in some matters... Deniz was so lost in these thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed it was lunch time. He worked as a mortgage clerk in a private bank. The words of his co-worker Murat woke him up from his deep thoughts; ''Deniz, you look very absent-minded, I hope you don't have any serious problems. Let's have lunch together, then after work we can hang out at one of the bars by the sea, maybe have a beer, what do you say?'' Deniz nodded in agreement without saying anything, the thought of getting some air had relaxed him. The lunches he had with Murat and the little moments they spent together were the only good things for him in recent years because Deniz had an unrequited love for Murat. This was of course an impossible love because Murat was a married man with two children and after what Deniz had experienced in the past, he had no intention of telling anyone about his feelings.. Murat was a handsome man, 6'1" tall, not particularly fit but thin, with green eyes. He had a dimple on the left side of his cheek that appeared when he smiled, and Deniz was in love with that dimple. During lunch, Deniz thought back to his freshman year in college. He couldn't help but think of the similarities between his ex-boyfriend Baran, whom he thought he was in love with at the time, and his coworker Murat. Clearly Deniz had certain preferences when it came to men. When they returned to work, the day had been so busy that Deniz hadn't even had time to dwell on his sad thoughts. ''Deniz, let's talk about the things that bother you so much over a beer, what do you say?'' Deniz smiled warmly, of course it wasn't possible to tell him everything, but it wouldn't hurt to spend some time together...