Forbidden Love

New Year's Eve. ~ Thumping music rings around my bedroom as my brother’s amp it up in anticipation of the final countdown till midnight. They are all absolutely pissed drunk right now, all of them singing and shouting at the top of their lungs. I can hear girls squealing in the background as they get thrown into the pool with a loud splash. Some of the colourful light beams bounce off the disco ball hanging in the gazebo and flicker through my windows to the beat of the music. Despite my windows and door being closed, I can still smell the stale liquor and a light tinge of vomit floating through. I just wanted to relax for a few more weeks before I started uni next year, just five more weeks, that's all I asked. But when the twins arrived home from uni, mum and dad were so happy and excited they didn’t really have to do much begging to get what they wanted, and then James and Sammy joined in. Of course, it was hard to say no to all of them. James White has been our next-door neighbour since we were in diapers. He was like another brother to us. He is the same age as the twins. Ever since they met in kindy the three of them have been inseparable. Sammy moved out of home quicker than my parents would have liked, because he was getting serious with his girlfriend Leah and they wanted to move in together, so with my parent's blessing, they moved down the road into a little apartment on the top of the bar Sammy runs during the night. He loves that old bar; it has always been his dream job to own the town's watering hole. Maybe in a few years if Leah lets him, they will own the most well-run pub in town. Daylen and Hayden surprised Mum and Dad last week when they showed up at the house. They were supposed to be working in the city with one of the big law firms but apparently, over summer break, they were able to take leave for a few days and spend some time with the family. So here we are with a wildly out-of-control party, half the town has shown up with more booze than we can imagine. It's going to take forever to clean that s**t up, I’m honestly surprised Mum and Dad haven’t stormed into the house yet and kicked everyone out, mind you they are pretty relaxed about everything these days, none of us really had a wild phase, only Sophie is kind of going through that now but even so, it’s never been anything horrendous. One can only hope no one has broken any of Mum's ornaments or Dad’s paintings. “Tessa,” I hear a whisper yell and a frantic knock at my door. I've locked it tonight so unfriendly visitors didn’t come barging through for an evening romp fest, but it seems the boy's rooms are the ones that have a never ending occupied sign attached to them tonight. I trudge along my hardwood floors, my dark brown hair has finally dried from the shower I had only half an hour ago and I’m now in my lace cami nightdress, nothing too fancy. It was a light baby-blue color, silk fabric with a little bit of lace and pearl beading along the neckline and down the breast area. I just wanted to put on something a little sexier on this evening considering it was New Year’s. My plush queen bed looks so comfy right now with my rainbow blankets and a few creme and blue pillows that I love to snuggle. My blue and silver bedroom lamp is on the bedside table offering soft light, and my small flatscreen TV is mounted on the wall facing my bed. I was just about to jump into bed to watch some cheesy show or movie like I do every year, instead I go to the door and yank it open to find James White standing there looking so f*****g handsome … his soft flowing light brown hair so beautiful making me want to run my hands through them. I get lost in his gorgeous blue eyes every time. Tonight, he's in his dark jeans and light grey tee complementing his sexy figure. I’ve loved him for years, but he's kept his distance lately which hurts more than usual. I've rarely seen him around with him being at uni all the way in the city. It broke my heart a little when he left. I don’t think anyone has picked up on the crush I had for him. My brothers are oblivious to those things. Occasionally, he would favour me over some things, but that’s just James being James, that’s how he’s always been, we have always had a close friendship, not as close as he has with the twins, but it was still close enough. “What's wrong?” I ask, looking around frantically. I hope no one has broken anything, you would think with the four of them they would be able to handle crowd control but that seems to not have happened tonight. I suppose they are just enjoying having a good time. “Maddison is hunting me down so I can be her midnight kiss, hide me,” he begs. I laugh at the silliness he is asking, even though a sharp pain runs through my chest at the thought of someone else with him. But I can’t tell him, I can never tell him how I truly feel. “If you are drunk enough in the next 5 minutes you won’t remember a thing.” I taunt him, moving to close the bedroom door on him. His hand falls down on the brass doorknob stopping me. “Please, come on, Tessa, you know I hate the bit**ch and your stupid brothers sent her after me” he pleads. I sigh in defeat. Of course, they did, everyone knew Maddison wanted James, she never hid that fact, she was the most popular girl in school, and he was the football captain back in the day. One would think they would go together quite nicely. But honestly, I don’t think James really ever dated much until he left for uni, since then he’s been in and out of relationships like no other. As soon as I let out the sigh he spreads into a panty-dropping grin. He knows he has me when I sigh. “Fine” I grumble, opening my door and allowing him to enter. When he moves across my room I can smell a little bit of alcohol on him, but not too much, his cologne covers up most of the alcohol scent, this guy is certainly not drunk right now, he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’ve seen my fair share of them all being drunk. I rarely drink. I just didn’t enjoy it as much as everyone else. I will have the occasional drink, maybe a nice wine but not much else. James stops in the middle of my bedroom and looks around observing his new space. It’s not like he hasn’t been here before, but I suppose it has been a while. “Nice room,” he says before looking at me. His gorgeous eyes rake over my body as he sucks in a sharp breath as though he’s just realized what I’m wearing. “What are you wearing,” he says almost painfully as he scrubs a hand over his face. I look down and shrug, “My pajamas!” “Can you at least put something over the top while I’m here?” He asks, not taking his eyes from my boobs. I have always been proud of mine, they were a decent size, and I was one of the lucky ones who perked up in 8th grade. I folded my arms across my chest giving him a glare. Mind you I did find it flattering, but I didn’t just want him for the s*x. I wanted him for him. I roll my eyes and close the door behind me and move over to my bed pulling the blankets back before jumping in. “You can either join or leave” I mumble, flicking on the tv and moving through the movies on Netflix. They recommend one that I have seen before many times but has always been one of my faves. New Year’s Eve. Seems only appropriate to watch a New Year’s Movie on New Year. James shrugs and lets out a sigh before looking over at me one more time, “Ok, if you are fine with me staying” and proceeds to take off his shoes before climbing in next to me. We just start the move as soon as the countdown outside starts. I honestly always forgot about this part, but they always make it a big deal. 10, 9, 8, I hear the voices ringing through, all of the music has stopped as they count down. 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, I don’t know why I am nervous. Maybe because this gorgeous guy is right next to me in bed, I know I can’t expect anything from him and neither do I. But I still suddenly feel so nervous about it all. 2,1. Screams and shouts of happiness replace the counting down and the crazy music starts blaring through again as someone sets off some fire works out the back garden with loud cracks ringing through. “Happy New Years Tessa,” he whispers leaning in with one hand behind his head, I blink up at him looking through my long eyelashes, I feel my cheeks blush in embarrassment. “Happy New Years James,” I mumble before he leans in and kisses me. My body takes a second before registering what is happening. The guy who I have loved for years and years is here kissing me, on New Year’s in my own bedroom. His soft lips are amazing as they move against mine, guiding me into a deeper kiss. I can feel the urgency of it all but I can feel his gentleness at the same time. He moves his hands over me, feeling all of me, one hand running down my side pinching my ass and the other has fallen into my hair and now gripping it tightly pulling me back a little bit against the headrest of my bed. He pulls out of the kiss and rests his forehead against mine breathing heavily. My own hands still tangled in his shirt and hair. I keep my eyes closed because I didn’t want him to peer through my soul and see everything. All of the emotions I have held over the years. All of the emotions I have had to keep back because he is my brother's best friend. * ~ * Europe~ “We should go away this summer,” James announces, holding me tightly in my small one-bedroom apartment. We are sprawled across my bed with the bed sheets in a tangled mess covering our naked bodies, he starts to kiss my neck ever so softly in the place where he knows I love it. I let out a soft moan before I registered what he said. “You know I have my finals coming up, in the first couple of weeks of uni, I can’t just dump everything I’ve worked so hard for in the last three years, plus won’t work be mad, you just started there six months ago,” I pant out trying to reason with him as he kisses my naked body. “I always told work I was going to be travelling in January, and they are fine with it, they will be able to manage without me for three weeks, besides everything closes down for two of the three weeks we will be away,” he mumbles through his kisses. “Come on, I’ve already had everything booked since we have been talking about Europe for months now, it's the perfect time to go before you start up again. Let’s live a little, babe, all we have done is just study and work.” I close my eyes enjoying his comfort, we have talked for years about going backpacking around Europe together, and I’ve always wanted to, he’s lucky he got a job in a law firm that will allow him to travel and take overseas clients, for him it was the perfect opportunity but I didn’t want to ruin his reputation there epically more so since he’s just started. “If we go I will have to tell my family something, I can’t just leave the country without them knowing, this isn’t like our weekend trips,” I try to let him know of the dilemma I am in right now. For three years we have kept, us being together a secret. It has helped the fact that we both live in the same city, and Hayden is too busy to know what the hell is going on around him these days, so every couple of days James would come over and we would be in our own little world, it did suck that we couldn’t go on many dates or anything but it was still nice to be with him. We didn’t want to risk anyone finding out that all of our friends lived around us, so it was tricky. I’ve got my own small apartment in the suburbs. Even though it’s a little far to travel sometimes it’s nice to have somewhere quiet and a little more space than one would normally find. After our New Year’s kiss, I didn’t really hear from James until I went to Uni, I kept on replaying everything that happened that night. If I did something wrong, I thought he hated me for it. I let him be my first kiss, I gave him my virginity. He was my first everything, I thought maybe I was the worst person he’d ever been with because I hadn’t heard from him. When I stayed with him and Hayden for a few weeks before finding my own apartment he confessed he had always liked me but just didn’t want to ruin the relationship he had with my brothers. I finally understood and had closure for a bit until my birthday that year. I had just been living in my apartment for a month and been at uni for two when he came over and said he couldn’t get that night out of his head, that all he wanted was me. Ever since then, we have been an ongoing thing keeping it on the down low. Every so often James would surprise me with a weekend trip where he would take me somewhere where we knew no one, and we could actually be a couple. It was nice, but part of me only wished for it to last forever, even though I knew maybe that isn’t what he wanted. It was hard not to have hope in those moments. I always thought I was one step closer to being his. Daylan dropped out of uni and moved back home, the same year I arrived, he just couldn’t handle the pressure of being a Lawyer, maybe one day he will go back and finish, but not any time soon. He’s now completed his apprenticeship for being a tradie, and loves it, although I don’t think he enjoys living back home. Through the complaints, he’s told Hayden, Mum has been a bit overbearing being the only child who lives at home now. James and Hayden share an apartment together in the middle of the city. Hayden’s just got out of a three-year relationship after walking in on his girlfriend Ellie, sleeping with some other guy, so lately we have all spent a lot of evenings over there trying to get him out of this funk he’s been in and just being there for him, so he doesn’t fall into depression. Sammy and Leah put an offer on the bar and now own and run it together, her being the barkeep and him being the Chef, Mum and Dad sometimes help out when needed on the busy days but I’m glad Sammy got the dream he always wanted. Sophie just finished her final year of school, about to graduate and go to university to study and become a school teacher for the little ones. She has such a love and passion for kids, it only made sense for her to become a teacher. “Who would you tell?” he asks, as I blink up at him shocked, I honestly can’t believe he actually is considering me telling someone, he’s always been so against it, part of me understands why, but at the same time, I know my brothers will just get over it all, I wish he would just tell them. “Sophie,” I say instantly. I also know by her knowing Emma will probably know too, considering they are both my best friends it only makes sense, neither of them really blab anything to my brothers anyways. He sighs heavily before mumbling “Fine” and flips me over so I’m on my back, looking up at his devious smile. * ~ * It’s complicated ~ “Do you know how fuc*king hard it was for me to just stand there and see you be with someone else!” I half yelled. I tried not to get upset about these things. I thought I had been the most understanding person through this whole thing between us. Four years together and he goes and does this to me, like a stab in the fuc*king heart, it was like he didn’t give a sh*it about me. “Come on Tess, I didn’t plan it,” he yells back, trying to reach for me, trying to make me see his side of things. It's been a week since Sammy and Leah's wedding, and I hadn’t heard anything from him, nothing, and he had the nerve to show up to my brother’s wedding with someone else. It broke my heart when I saw him walking in with her, a tall blond bimbo with boobs spilling out and ass half showing out from her blue strapless dress, it fuc*king crushed me, he looked happy, somewhat normal having her on his arm. We had the agreement that neither of us would go with someone, but I guess he just didn’t give a sh*it anyways. He said nothing to me the entire night, he didn’t even come over and try to clear the air, he didn’t even look at me once and reassure me, nothing. Then a week later like the James that he is he shows up at my apartment well after he knew I would be asleep and demands to talk. I’d been a mess all week, I had to call in at work and tell them it was a personal issue I needed time to sort out, thankfully they were understanding and gave me a week. I knew my hair was a mess, I knew my apartment was a mess, and I didn't really want to do much except sleep and cry these last few days it felt like he took my heart and tore it into a million little pieces. I hadn’t even called Sophie to talk about anything, the first couple of days she blew up my phone with texts and calls, making sure I was ok, only she and Emma knew of the “relationship” I had with James, so you can imagine we were all shocked at the wedding. I had to send her a message eventually to stop her calling, so I could process everything myself. “I tried to be understanding, I tried so hard to be what you wanted, to follow your rules” I whispered, fighting hard not to let the tears show, he didn’t deserve to see my tears I have already cried enough for him. You would think that even after a week of crying there wouldn’t be any more left, but it only burns more when he shows up drunk at the end of the week. It hurts to know that he is only here because his drunken state made him come. “What was I supposed to do Tessa, your brothers organized a blind date for me to take to the wedding, what else was I to do when she showed up with Gabby?” he tries to explain always playing the victim, never owning his own mistakes, never saying sorry. “You say no, you send her on her way, you tell my brothers the f*****g truth,” I snap back. He groans scrubbing a hand over his face, seeming to be half frustrated with everything, “Come on babe, we’ve been through this before,” he half-heartedly says, reaching his hand out to me, trying to get me to come to him. “Just go,” I finally manage to grind out, even though I don’t want him to, my heart is yelling at me to let him stay, but this is what always happens, we fight about this then we have the makeup s*x after, but right now I’m not in the mindset for either. He stands there staring at me, on the other side of my living room. I've managed to keep the distance between us with the lounge and coffee table separating us for now but he was slowly closing that gap. “You really want me to?” he asks softly, moving closer trying to cage me in. No, but you need to because you have already broken me and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I take a deep breath and look up at him, to make sure he can read me loud and clear, because honestly right now, I was fuc*king broken. Four years, four years I waited for him to tell my family. For four years I played by whatever ‘rules’ he wanted, just so I could be with him, but now, he finally broke my heart, I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. “You need to leave,” He looks into my eyes, studying me before letting out a sigh, scrubbing his hand over his face in frustration, and turning around and heading towards the door. He stops for a second just before he heads out and turns around slightly as though he wants to say something, but instead, he just pulls the door open and walks out into the night slamming the door behind him. As soon as he leaves, I just collapse on the chair and sob letting more hot tears flow down, I don’t know how long I stay there, but it's not until the morning sun shines through the kitchen windows that I finally pick up my broken self and make my way into my bedroom to try and sleep some more. A few hours later, a horrible buzzing sound of my phone wakes me from my slumber. I reach out to tap it on silent expecting it to be Sophie or Emma, but his name flashes across my screen, causing my heart to explode in my throat. I can barely get my sh*it together to talk to him right now, but I still open the message he sent. Only to have my heart shattered all over again.