Mixed emotions
My morning routine was a ritual. I would wake up and lie in the bed for about 40 minutes and contemplate nothing. I then would get up with grogginess engulfing my body and get a clean t-shirt and clean underwear. This morning it would be a white T-shirt left behind by one of my intimate strangers. Don't get me wrong, I normally didn't have anyone over because I was a reserved person. Like I had said, I had a routine, a ritual. My favorite part of the morning was coming up as I walked into the kitchen. Coffee. Always fresh ground coffee, specifically Eight O'clock.
While waiting for my coffee to brew I searched for my cigarettes. An addiction that always soothed me, even on my worse days. And was incorporated into my morning ritual. Make coffee, step outside, smoke my cigarette. Some mornings it would be two, depending on the cravings I would have. Particularly this morning was cold and bright. I would need a robe and socks because of the brisk harsh wind blowing. After sighing and setting aside my warm fresh cup of coffee and unlit cigarette I stepped inside of my studio apartment.
I always had a tendency to daydream. No matter where I was, I would be stuck in my own head, my own thoughts. Like now I was stuck inside of my own head until a husky dark voice struck me out of them. "Annalise."
I looked up quickly and immediately saw who I had been running from for 4 years. My breath had hitched and at that moment I realized my daily routine would be disrupted by Julian.
"Julian, it's so nice to see you after 4 years," I hardly smiled. My words would always spill out however I felt. I could never mask how I felt. I didn't leave Julian because he was a bad man; I left Julian so I could be who I wanted to be without any influence. Sit pretty, keep your mouth closed, and do what you're told. With Julian, I wasn't able to do the things I had wanted to do.
"After 4 years, I finally found you. Here I am, wanting to talk with you and you strike me as confused by my presence. Annalise, why must you be so difficult?"
"Have you or anyone thought about what I needed or wanted? Why I had left? Let me give you a hint, I wanted to see and experience things. I wanted freedom, in which you restricted me from." After quickly saying my thoughts I grabbed my robe and socks and put them on. "If you would like to keep talking, I will be outside."
"Outside? What could you possibly need to be outside for when it's 27 degrees out?" Julian's puzzled look on his face made me realize that he wasn't around when I had picked up my nasty habit. Not answering his question, I headed towards the door. Today would be more than one, probably more than two cigarettes. It would be a long morning since my past caught up to me.
As if on cue I saw Julian stand. From what I remember, he seemed taller. Broader possibly. He had always been lovely, just possessive and controlling. No matter how many pointless dates or hookups I had, I would always think of him. It had been four years and just to get that warm sensation with some strange warm body I didn't know, I would always have to think of him.
Finally, I stepped outside and lit my cigarette, and sat on the porch step. Waiting for Julian I took a sip of my coffee and puffed on my addiction.
"When did you take that up?" Julian curiously gazed and the white stick in my hand after popping his head out of the door. He then emerged outside slightly shivering.
"I don't know, maybe after a couple of months I had left."
"You mean run away? Disappeared."
"Julian, what is it that you want? It's been years and you're just now showing up on my steps."
"I had been searching for you this whole time! I think you wanted me to find you, had you not come to Caesars. One of my employees recognized you and immediately came to me." At this point, Julian had crossed his arms and peered down at me dragging his gaze away from my cigarette.
Sighing, I knew that I had wanted him to find me. I had done what I wanted and needed within those four years and missed him. I stood up and gazed up at Julian, straightening my back. "Julian, I did what I needed. Maybe I had wanted you to find me, I just didn't think you would able to so soon."
"I just need to understand Annalise, what it was that you were so bent on finding." He looked at me imploringly. Explaining this to him would be harsh because even I didn't know what it was that I had been trying to discover. I gave him a glance and looked at my hands. My fingertips were bright red and I had decided it was time to go inside because even then the coffee hadn't been warming me up. Maybe it was the fact that this next part is what I would dread. I opened up the door and right then is when I felt his hands snake around my waist and his face in the crook of my neck.
Thinking to myself, I thought about how hard this next hour or two would be. Although I knew that no matter what would be said, Julian wouldn't leave me because of the connection we had. As I said, it had been four years and a lot had happened within that time frame. For just this moment I admired his touch and then stepped away, going to the table. I needed to tell him what happened.
