At last , Mami

LET ME DIE PLEASE I'm ready , darkness embed me ..take me away .This world wasn't mine to begin with.Had it been maybe my heart wouldn't feel so heavy .I wouldn't feel so deserted . I'm all alone . Father left , mother followed , my brothers are oblivious to my existence now. I'm helpless, I can't even change the circumstances I'm in. I couldn't wait for those doctors to finally give up and let my soul fly to the eternal flame. The flame is my soulmate .I won't seek happiness once I reach there . Happiness is something that hasn't been in my vocabulary for ages now .I want it, I want death which will be my salvation . My sorrows are too many and they are taking a toll on my being .I can't take it ! "Clear !!" Dr Douglas shouts as he pressed his defibrillator onto my pale chest trying to revive me. I've been unconscious for too long according to him .Maybe my body has grown too weak while I'm in the coma . He's trying to force me back to the reality that I hate so much. Everybody sees him as a strong doctor . I know his weakness .He gets too attached to his patients .I can easily tell that he already took a liking in me , as a human being of course . He already can't bear the thought of losing me although I'm actually trying to lose myself . He'll be shattered if I die .He'll have to endure a couple of some torturous sleepless nights once I'm off. I can hear his heavy heart ,it's thundering , it's aching with fear. He could die himself .He might if I die right now . He's so soft spoken , gentle . I wish for him all the happiness , the ecstasy that I could never afford for myself. "Clear !!" he shouts the same for at least five more times until he finally stops. He checks my pulse rate on my wrists . On the other side Dr Gabes checks my pulse again but on my neck .There's no response .Dr Douglas is my attending doctor for a while now .He was a tall figure of average height . He's almond grey eyes just tend to communicate directly with one's soul. He's still a young adult but he's some what older to me .He's a ripe Twenty-eight .At such an age , he's already an outstanding doctor .Everybody likes him .I can also tell that he's the hunk throughout of hospital ,with so many admirers among the nurses and a portion among the patients as well . He's a good friend and that sits best with me. I'm proud to have personally suggested that blue would sit perfectly on his head and he listened . He dyed the lowerhalf of his luscious long blonde hair sky-blue. He looks way better that way, it's funky . Although dying hair is unprofessional, it's not bad to try something new for a change. He's the doctor with the blue head to me. With all these days in the hospital, I've got to know most of the hospital staff by their names and some few patients whose relatives I've come know through visiting hours. They would feel touched on seeing nobody visiting me. I'm one of the longest staying patients in the hospital. I'm not proud of it because I could've been one of the earliest to leave the world but, even death doesn't want me. "Dr Douglas ,she isn't responding to the shocktreament .Could it be that her thought process is shutting down ?The meds have not been kicking in for a while now , her body is resisting them.I think it's about time we let her go , don't you think ?She is not even fighting to survive .She's been fighting against us since long...(there's a pregnant silence between the doctors for some time). This is what she obviously wants anyway .., to die. She hates living. She might most probably pull another one of her stunts if she wakes up again, like last time when she yanked the IV drip from her wrists and bled profusely and suffered heavy blood-loss .She had turned blue." Dr Gabes explained . Dr Gabes is the female doctor that attends to me when Dr Douglas is unavailable or preoccupied. She is Dr Douglas' peer . She's a very nice lady with quite a sense of humour sometimes but tries to keep professional as much as possible. She's got a slender figure which can't be talked much about since it's seldomly unconcealed by her armour , her white coat. I'm drawn to her very beautiful curly mud-brown hair .If I was able , I'd totally copy her hairstyle and keep it for myself .She's a smiler , her teeth are snow , she takes time for them for a fact , they are always gleaming. If you'd see her from a distant ,you could see them sparkling. She's soon to be married , she told me .She'll marry her boyfriend for over a year .l know that she loves her job immensely. She's always on and on about it .Her job defines her completely. She was right though , I've been in and out of the ICU unit for times I've lost count of. I'm suicidal, I've got serious depression , I think I'm developing heart problems too. I'm physically weak , my body just fails to cooperate with me sometimes such that when I'm not on a hospital bed, I'm most probably somewhere in the hospital on my wheelchair, deep in my thoughts, wanting to die. "We can't just let her go Dr Gabes! She is only turning twenty-two today . She has to live a little longer and explore the world. She was created for a reason after all. And she's been surviving the past few suicides and whatever events she has gone through in her past that could have given her so many marks and scars for a reason too.She has already managed to be alive to this day , despite the many burns on her legs and the whip-marks on her back . You had even questioned if she had ever got treated for them or even received medication to avoid her skin from leaving such ugly slavemarks .She was abused .We still do not know what her story is .She was mostly certainly abused .Maybe whoever her culprit is, they had traumatised her to no end .Perhaps she got suicidal in the process . She most probably still feels the world is the source of the abuse .Despite the efforts we had put into trying to change her opinion about death or the multiple therapy sessions or the kindness we had shown towards her .She had deceived us into believing that all had become well . I was such a fool to have believed her . We had all relaxed .This girl just never ceizes to bring surprises in my life (he said with a heavy heart). I know she is not meant to be here let alone to die here , under our watch . We have to revive her otherwise. She has been having rough days . She's a nice young girl who will live again today . I care about her , my best friend . I'll only give up on her if... well I won't give up ! She's too young to die !!!" Dr Douglas roared. He was on the verge of tears . He tended to check on me .Dr Douglas checked my pulse behind my left ear , no pulse . He shook my body with his tense hands . Dr Gabes kept quiet for some time .She did not answer . She was surprised by what Dr Douglas had said . She came to her senses and started checking my pulse at my throat .They both repeated checking my pulses . Dr Gabes went on to press on my chest seven times , she went to my mouth to listen if I had started to breathing .There was nothing . Dr Douglas tried grabbing my broken hand and pulling at it , in an attempt to try and use pain to force me to awaken. It did not work . I remained still . They turned my back up , exposing my back. Dr Gabes also tries to press on my the old wounds . My body remained frozen , unaffected by the pain which did not reach me in my unconsciousness. When their efforts failed , they covered my back and my body soon faced the ceiling . Dr Gabes steps aside , centimetres from the operation bed . Dr Douglas grabs the defibrillator and presses it onto my chest once more. He presses the defibrillator continuously until Dr Gabes intervened and took the defibrillator from Dr Douglas, placing it onto the equipment table quietly . Dr Douglas was already in tears . He was in pain . He was afraid of losing his best friend , his secret love . Would she live longer , he was going to confess to her . He was going to tell her how precious she was to him . Dr Gabes only came to realise Dr Douglas' feelings towards me . He was head over heels for me , I had noticed how he took special care of me. It does not take an ordinary doctor to show so much care to a single patient. ' crazy doctor !' I thought to myself just then.His world was crumbling down. I'm in a coma , God knows how I'm able to hear their conversation, the sobs from Irvine . The shocked-silence from Dr Gabes ,I could feel it. The machine beeps twice after my "thinking " . 'Oups', I thought yet again, scared these doctors may actually manage to revive my body. They want to take away my dream. I don't understand these hospital machines.The one in the theatre here was in denial just seconds ago and now ...it's beeping , it's making noise. Upon the thought, the stupid machine beeps more .I don't know what's happening, I'm confused !I think it's time now." LET ME DIE PLEASE " I declared in my mind .