Diary of a functioning Addict...

I'm high right now....I try and keep it going all day. High and functional. Most of the time it's just enough to take the edge off, I'm not blasted...I'm just faded. I honestly don't think anyone can tell, unless I put it out there and why do that. It's nobodies business what I do. My high isn't affecting them and I'm not f*****g up. I'm just carrying on about my day like any normal person. My minds always full of chaos but no one sees that, because I'm in control. The drugs don't control me, I control them. That's how you become a junky. You can't let it overpower you. When it starts taking control, when it starts mocking your day and taking advantage and influencing your every move, that's when you need to admit to yourself it's more that just a habit its an issue. Not just any issue either, it becomes a problem on steroids and it rages through your life like a hurricane. Like the weight of the world and solar system is on your shoulders. When that happens...when your world comes crumbling down you need to get help. You need a person because at that point you can't be trusted alone. I've seen so many people crumble and go through hell. Only some crawl or claw there way back out. And it's never the ones who think they are as strong as they thought they were. I'm pretty confident I'll be okay. I have the right support systems and my habits aren't as bad as they could be. I've started doing some weird things to maintain my high when I can't smoke. Most people dip/chew tobacco, that's not the case for me. I like to grab a bud from my stash and pocket it in my lip. I start craving the taste. The ones who know my secret always ask why I dont just munch on an edible, I do that too.? While also pocketing the weed in my lip. The bud that's stashed in my lip gets saturated by my saliva so every time my mouth creates saliva a little gets swallowed every time I breathe in. Keeping me high even after I've smoked, and when it's time to swallow it hits again minutes later. At first I didn't care for the raw peppery taste, it grew on me. I guess I just love weed that much. Some days are good. Some days are okay. Some days are bad, real bad. Eventually, now matter the type of day....I push myself through it. I do whatever I have to do to hold myself up and keep going. I blare music as loud as I can, the music helps especially when I'm high. Stoned, high, Geekin', drunk....they all work just depends on the type of day I wanna have or the type of day I am having. I wish I was different I do...but I can't just do it with a snap of my fingers. And f**k cold Turkey, I don't understand how some people can just quit everything all together. Detoxing is the worst! Waking up dope sick every day is a much better price then sweating and body aches, plus the kind of chemical reaction that happens from the lack of drugs in your system. Maybe one day...but that day is not today. I wish I could say for sure one day, or give a estimated date, but I don't think it'd be accurate. For now, All that matters to me is that my marriage stays intact. She's my strength! And through it all she loves me addiction and all. She's all I ever wanted and when they legalized gay marriage, I realized before I could marry her I'd have to confront her about my addiction. She already knew. I guess I wasn't hiding it as good as I thought I was. 9 years together and I didnt want her to throw us away because of my addictions. Especially, since it was so easy for her to stop. Saddling her with an addict was never my intention; I guess love is stronger than addiction because we've been married 2 years and together for 13 and she loves me for all I am, flaws and all. I'm still an addict, I'm trying to work on slowly cutting down my doses and fixes. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking barefoot on broken glass, like the world's spinning in slow motion and I'm the only thing moving fast. And I think that's why I've never taken my addiction to far....I wanna live, I wanna grow old. With her. Before I pop my pills and smoke I think, I calculate, I do the math so I can still wake up every day to her gorgeous face. I wish I could say she's all I need, she is! Her kisses get me high on their own. And when we make love I'm beyond stoned in that moment there'snothing stronger. I'm almost floating, as much as I love those feelings alone, there's no way we could constantly kiss and there's definitely no way we could make love day and night, I mean some nights we do. I love the nights when she wakes me up at 4am just to make love and feel my touch. *Chuckling* As much as I'd love nothing more than to do just that every waking moment. We can't survive on that alone. If I could make a living off of love and get that fix from just that every day that would be just another day in paradise. That would be the only thing that keeps me going but it's not that simple and if all it is, is just a couple pills and a few blunts a day to get through and not murder someone then so be it. At home I'm not judged, I'm not mentally unstable I'm just me. A human being. Everything I am is okay. At the end of the day that's all that matters. Alot of people who try to recover from the disease of being an addict avoid certain things because they can forget to not use. Depending on the circumstances and environment I forget to use. Weird right?...I wish I had more of those days, but life likes to throw curveballs that are inevitable, like Thanos in Avengers...situations you want to fight but can't and the only thing that helps is that small colored pill that helps numb the feelings and anxiety hitting your mind and heart all at once. Sometimes its a different color, a high dose, a low dose, whichever helps get through the day, you know? Serotonin is in short supply these days. The days on my calendar, anyway,huh. But I make due with what I got, thats all I can do. Everyone survives this world in there own way, mine just involves getting high. People who drink don't get judged as hardly as addicts. I never understood that, or when people judge you over a blunt or a joint. Honestly, in my opinion weed is far less harmless than alcohol. Have you ever met an angry stoner? No, right? Huh, unless their friends steal their lighter or they just got a fresh sack and it's all seeds or they don't have the stuff to be able to smoke it. Alcohol can be dangerous, pot can be too; worse case for pot you puke your brains out spin a little any way it hit all you wanna do after you come down is light another. Alcohol is a whole different chemical imbalance. I stay away from it now. I used to be an alcoholic too, not my best days. I'd fall asleep drinking and wake up drinking. I found anyway there was to make money to get that fix even when I shouldn't. I lost so much weight. I wasn't eating, if I did it was a bite or two of a Cliff protein bar or maybe a few bites of the meal that was made. Huh, but put a redbull in front of me I had a mixer for my whiskey to make it seem as if I wasn't drinking to anyone who saw me, all they'd see was a red bull. I found any excuse to drink, there were days I missed out on sleep because that's time I could've been drinking, and why miss out on that, right? Right! I'd drink, pop my pills and smoke my weed...I was on it all. Drugs, Alcohol, and s*x. Sounds good but it takes a toll on your body. I didn't look for anyway to get high that could be dangerous...I still had reasons to live. I couldn't lose control because all there is to do is spiral out. Like what if I forgot some of the stuff I did and over did it, I couldn't/can't let that happen. So I always keep track of what I do, I guess that's why I'm so good at math huh, I'm always counting. In that liquored time, I almost lost everything, my high school sweetheart, my family, my friends, I guess some of the friendsI lost was okay (they turned out to be snakes), why be surrounded by all that toxicity) not all of them but the ones I thought were real were the ones that hurt me the most. The most important thing I almost lost was my home where I was surrounded by love and the love of my life. She's the truest love I've ever known! No matter what came between us or what happened she was always there to rescue me from my demons. Til Home wasn't home anymore it was just a place where I slept sometimes or a place to whined down and lose my mind for a bit with no one to see me breakdown. I hopped couches and beds alot, and after a while I realized that life wasn't for me. The alcohol always had me so angry. Or constantly reliving everything wrong that's ever happened in my life. I could deal with every emotion thrown at me but I resented the anger...the dredd and mocking voices in my head...being numb was good til it wasn't....then I was just livid all the time. The people I wanted near me, I pushed them away with my stubborness because I couldn't control my anger issues let alone the voices rampaging through my thoughts. And every other bad emotion that came with the intoxication. I had to drop it! That was a side of me that I didn't want anymore. I'll have a sip every now and then just a taste but it's rare that it goes beyond that..the second I start to drink more I feel the anger creeping out like a volcano. That may be the reason I smoke and pop pills so much, that's always been my go to anything to make the world slow down. It always seems like the world is in high speed, there's never enough time in the day. It helps me make sense of everything when it's all going at a slower pace. I used to love switching it up I loved taking uppers then downers to balance myself out. Cocaine was one of my favorite highs, that is until I had a scare one night, I almost ODed in front of my now wife. And I think the only thing that saved me that night; the only reason to hold on was that I had to keep myself alive so I wouldn't leave her behind or worse to deal with my lifeless body of a mess to deal with by herself. I couldn't imagine hurting her like that. I'm sure if I had the opportunity I would do it again, the drug part not the OD part. I miss the feeling, the taste of it as I rubbed to rest of the rail on my gums. That numbing tingling feeling from a badass batch. I'm aware of my limits now; so I'm sure if I ever had the chance to taste it, I'd know when to stop. For now, I'll stick to my weed and pills huh, and s*x. s*x is the best drug! Something so exhilarating and mind blowing, that will always be the best high, especially if I mix it with my other favorite mind altering substances. Not everyone does drugs, so not everyone understands. Recreational use isn't bad. It's okay to want to escape, this world, this life isn't always the best. Living the American dream isn't what you'd think it'd be hearing about it in the history books all through school. They tell you stay drug free, abstinence is the answer. Or stay away from tobacco and alcohol. Don't have s*x til your married. They tell you if you stay away from all of it then you'll succeed. I'm not saying that its not possible to succeed without it, and I'm not saying that if you have s*x, take drugs, or consume alcohol that you'll live a cooler life. Life is always gonna be a struggle. It's always gonna be difficult! No one tells you that monsters are more than just the drawings in kids books or goosebumps young adults fiction. Monsters have more than one shape, more than one form. Monsters are people that hurts and abuse children. Monsters are people that hurt animals. Monsters are people who take advantage of someone that cant protect or defend themselves. Monster are the voices in your head that try to bring you down every day. Monsters are the people that let the drugs, alcohol, and s*x control them. You can do all those things and have control. You can drink and not let it take control of your decisions. My biggest peeve is when you tell someone they hurt you or they did something unthinkable and their first response is: I don't remember I was drunk! Or I was wasted what we did was a mistake, I wasn't aware. They remember and they were aware. They thought about what they were gonna do!! They thought about before they got trashed, that's probably all they were thinking about and then thought that later after all is said and done they'd just blame it on the alcohol. Same goes for drugs. "Oh I wasn't me, I wasn't in the right state of mind" I guarantee you it was all thought of before or during up until the point that they were drunk or faded. Why, How, can I be so sure because I've been there, with alcohol and drugs. I mean yeah, okay sometimes it's the furthest thing from your mind hurting anyone or doing something but that's why they call it liquid courage. That's why people do drugs before doing some things it makes it easier, it takes the edge off so your not so anxious about what'll happen next. The other phrase, comment, or statement whatever you wanna label it, that I hate the most is when people say "It just happened...." Nothing just happens!!! It was either planned, or a thought that just crossed your mind and you just went with it because you lost all your inhibitions. It's either no f***s given or you were really trying to hurt someone. I f*****g hate those 3 words... "IT JUST HAPPENED..." Bullshit!!! Nothing Just Happens, Nothing. If I walked up to a random person or someone I knew and smacked or punched the f**k outta them, like my fist just met with there face in an instant and said oh, I'm sorry it just happened!?? Would that excuse my action? ?Would they immediately forgive me? ......Yeah I didn't think so? as funny as that example played out in your head. I've heard those words so many times in my lifetime, hell I'm sure I've over used them and wore the words out with my ex's in the past. s**t, I'm sure...almost positive, if I actually get the chance to clock someone out, with a right hook to the jaw and i could just say "hey man, my bad bruh I don't know what I was thinking??‍♂️?‍♀️, it just happened!" It's a definite I'm gonna do it!? In fact I have more than a few people in mind. I'll make sure to add an entry about it if it happens anytime soon.??? Something to look forward too, most definitely! I wish the world was simpler. I wish there was something less addicting to make some of the events in this world easier to deal with. There might be, I just haven't found it yet, I guess. Playing my guitar works sometimes but eventually playing a bit I crave a blunt. Writing helps, sketching, coloring, binging series on Netflix or other streaming sights, music, I love music but I always find myself craving a smoke. I live for the high. Some people live to eat, I eat to live, stay high to survive and stay sober enough to get by. Make love to feel, to be loved, and to show my mate that I need her and can't survive without her loving me, or that me loving her is my only purpose. Human beings weren't made to work their whole lives they're suppose to live, love, laugh, know their soul. Finding a soulmate in this life we're given isn't always promised but when we do find them, we figure out why we've lived so long. We figure out why every thing we've been through was just a path we had to cross to make us stronger, stronger for our mate we've been seeking.? Stronger for ourselves to prove we're worthy of this breath we breathe.? Worthy of all we've been blessed with. Some days we feel forsaken, but the moments we want to live over and over are proof that the world isn't all pain. Just lessons that needed to be learned. Paths needed to be walked or ran. Bodies of waters we needed to tread. Chapters that need to be written for our legacies being published in the memories and minds of every life we've touched. Our love lives on after we're gone. If we're lucky reincarnation is real and we'll find our soulmates again. We'll live on til we find all our purposes, til we find the meaning of life. It'll all be okay. When life gets tough just remember it's all gonna be okay. You'll get through it! Even when its unbearable, its gonna be alright just continue to have faith in yourself. You deserve all the good you experience and all the happiness coming your way.