SHATTERED BY YOU

ALEC'S POV, If you can survive a heartbreak you can survive anything, and if not, then you can't even live a mundane life. The hollow once dug in your hurt will remain there, forever. As long as you live. You can try and pretend to move on, but the huge human-sized hole will remind you day and night of the one person you want to forget the most. Everyone in this world has a hole in their heart. One person they always wanted to be with, but could never be. The only difference is that some are good at hiding their feelings and acting like nothing happened while the others don't even have the strength to do so. It's the ugly truth of the world. Moving on from a person, the relationship, the thousands of sweet and sour memories burnt into the head, is nothing but a huge lie. No one truly moves on. The ones who say they did are liars like I am. This is me, the biggest liar you have ever met. A person with a hole that I carved out myself, and this is my story. I am not happy. I pretend to be happy, every day, almost every minute, but I'm not in any way happy. I tried millions of times, thousands of different ways to be happy about what I have, but I simply can't be happy. And in the process of lying and deceiving, I'm not only destroying my life but drowning my boyfriend along with me. I'm drowning, every second. My psychiatrist would pin this kind of thinking as self-destructive To combat it, we've been working on raising my self-esteem from non-existent to somewhere visible to the eyes. I can't really say how it's working out. I was never the guy who cared about these sorts of things, and really doubt if I could ever be complete. It's me we are talking about after all. I'm sitting under the natural light of the sun which is passing through the huge floor to ceiling glass windows. It was Colton's idea. He kind of loves natural things more than artificial ones. Ironic, given the fact that his work and passion is to capture the natural beauty on a white canvas with colourful strokes. Maybe that's why he says that nature is the biggest artist, and that no artist can create what nature could. I love hearing him speak about nature, or his arts, or the ideas about his next book in the series. I love his voice. I love his face. I love him. Anyway, I'm sitting under the morning light in the living room of our modern mansion in the outskirts of Los Angeles. It's a beautiful place to live in, far away from the crowd and noise, yet not too far away that it would take a few hours to reach the main city. I've been here with Colton for three years now. It was fun living in an apartment in the main city, but two months after we started dating, I asked Colton to move in together. I told him that I wanted to be with him all the time, but the truth was that living alone was making me crazy. I couldn't stop thinking about Jasper. And when I do, the awful memories of what I did to Chris and Mia, and what happened to me after that would come to haunt me. Missing Jasper would make me sad, but the thing with Chris would ruin the whole day. I thought that having someone by my side would help, but it didn't. Even though Colton is an amazing friend, he isn't Jasper. Even if he understands me better than Jasper, still he isn't the one my heart wants. And he knows that. Anyone could see us and say that we are friends, maybe brothers, but definitely not partners. I am once again pulled out of my chains of thought when the smiling face of Jasper invaded my mind. I looked down at my laptop. I am trying to write mail, another failed attempt. I have tried a lot of times to write, but can't think of a way to say that I can't make it to their wedding. It's hard to be back there, and I'm sure he will be there too. They are close friends after all. I once again look at the invitation, and the letter attached to it. A smooth blue envelope, beautified with golden strokes. The letter attached was written in her beautiful cursive handwriting. Alec, 05/12/2019 I hope you are doing fine, little brother. I know letters are pretty outdated now, but I kind of wanted to show off my amazing handwriting to you. And yeah, thanks Colton on my behalf for handing it safely to you which I know he would. So, let's start with me saying that I hate New York because it's too sunny today. I'm talking about sunny, like California sunny. London was better and a lot colder than this burning desert, can't believe I grew up here because it's burning my eyes. Today's literally one giant dare to be unhappy. If you were here, you could understand what I mean. I guess that's why John asked me to write this letter today. You know I've been bugging him for a week now to write something, but he says that I'm your sister and thus I should write it. Like fair, John, but what about you? Aren't you his friend too? Anyway, let me go straight to the point now, or gay if you want. I know lame, but I bet you are smiling. So, if you haven't seen my ** you may not know that John asked me to marry him and I said yes, and if you've seen it then you are a cold hearted bastard for not sending any congratulations to your only sister. Back to the point. We're having a mid June wedding and you're invited. But, I guess you will already figure that out if you see the invitation first. I will have to ask John to not give you the invitation first. And I'm writing it all in the letter because I can't backspace to clean a handwritten letter, and I'm not writing another one for you. Writing with a fountain pen on a piece of paper sucks. Anyway, please come. I will love it if you are here. And I will totally understand if you don't want to come. I'm not going to hide anything Alec. I invited Jasper, and his sons to the wedding because I love them. I know I'm being selfish, but I've spent too much time with them to not grow a connection. I am sorry for failing as a sister once again. I really want you to be a part of the wedding and meet my little daughter. She looks exactly like John with her small almond eyes and black hair. In fact, she looks more Asian than John himself. And I want you to meet her, and her to meet her uncle Alexander, who is the most amazing person in the world, but I also want you to be comfortable. So, come if you are okay with it. But, whatever your decision is, please mail me. I miss you. I will be waiting for your reply. Love, Liz