Wrapped love

After my aunt's funeral, I took the train to the center of the frozen town. As I waited in the train station, I realized I cared more about the dirt under my fingernails than my relative's death. After all, I lived close to this small town, so they sent me here. Poor soul, I guess, should I tell her a prayer? No. I am not a believer of Christ. Who would even think a man from the sky above created all we see? Only fools I guess. The only aspect about Him I ever believed in was his punishment. The train finally arrived, and I stuffed my thoughts back in my head, heading in. I sat alone by a window, glancing around, until my eyes fixated on a frail woman. Her eyes reflected the only meaning of innocence. Rounded dark pearls glowing over the dim lights of the train. Her face was soft, with plump cheeks, reddened from the cold. But now, inside, she seems at rest... A bit tired I must say. Her eyelids were dropping as her gaze remained on the view from outside. The soft reflection of her face caught my attention. I could study her in peace now. On the other side, in front of her sat a man. He looked older and sicker. Not much to say about such a normality. The sweet reflection of the woman slowly mixed with the dark view from outside. The tall, black figures of dead trees seemed to surround her face. The moon caused a gentle light over her cheeks and forehead, the thick eyelashes bathed in it. She looked like a goddess herself. While feeling like an i***t in love, I didn't notice the man lifting a hand towards the girl, waking her up. "What a creep," I thought. But instead, the woman was calm. -Yes? What is it sir? Do you need anything?... The old man talked about some boring subjects. About European ballet and classical music, mainly pianists. It bore both me and her out. As I thought again, averting to listen to his voice, I asked myself if they were some kind of relatives... Or even husband and wife, since arranged marriages were getting more attention this decade. Perhaps his caretaker? Who knows, either way, poor woman. Sleeping through most of the journey, I stopped acknowledging anything about those two, instead giving in to my greed of rest. Soon enough, a few hours after waking up, I finally arrived at my destination. A world of snow. A huge mountain above us, with a lonely crest that melted its fine lines into the frozen fields. It was not snowing yet, but even the tiny rivers from nearby froze. It was... a nice feeling. Heading towards an inn, the soft glow of the candles outside attracted me like a moth. It all looked cozy... Better than I imagined, clearly. I checked in, the hallways were very quiet. Lucky me," I thought, walking down to my rented room. I suddenly stopped in my tracks, my gaze falling upon the same rounded eyes from before. Her form wasn't visible, because of the many clothes she wore, but those eyes... Oh, those eyes... I didn't even know her... She walked alongside the old man, not stopping far from an Okiya¹. Well, that was a twisted fate, being stuck with another man while working as a geisha. But as a greedy being I was, the next day I ordered her to come to my chambers. It was still morning, though it was warmer. Her blue robes swayed by her sides as she walked gracefully. The pale makeup and redden lips make her dark eyes stand out more. Her hair was held up with kanzashi². I was mesmerized and she... was unbothered. I let her in, I started feeling nervous. She sat down by the kotatsu³. I made the situation awkward when I didn't know what to say, so, using her gentle tone, she started speaking. -Is there any specific reason you called me specifically, mister?... Her eyes looked at me, barely seeing the flicker of light because of her long eyelashes. -I saw you on the train… Uh... The other night... I suppose I just wanted to know you better. -Well... State your things... She said, patiently. -If I may ask, what is your relationship with that man? I looked at her shamefully. -Mm... I'm just his caretaker. You see, his mother used to be my teacher. She taught me how to play the shamisen⁴ and traditional dances... And that's how I became a member of the geisha house... -Interesting... Perhaps I'll get to hear from you one day? Playing the shamisen? -Perhaps. -How old is the man? -57. -And how old are you?... -19. -Only nineteen, my lady? I hope I'm not rude. But aren't you too young for such a... Job? Her delicate face frowned slightly. -All I was taught when I was a child were the steps to becoming what I am. I was raised as a woman, not as a person. Because it looks like women cannot be considered true beings... I was raised to obligate men's favor... But somehow not always in the cruelest ways... Men from this snowy town aren't too lustful... She spoke, sounding almost... Tired... Sad. Speechless, I just stared at her. -And… do you like what you are doing? How do you feel about this? -Do you want the true answer or do you want what you need to hear? -Uh. Truth... -Well then. I think even silly dances are more important than the worth my life... I can't wait for the end of all this to reach me. I'm tired, in a sense you wouldn't understand... You are a man after all. -So? What if I'm a man? I want to understand! ... Silence. She stared at me disapprovingly, like I was some sort of child throwing a tantrum. Feeling embarrassed, I lowered my head and my hands dropped back on my knees. -I did not mean any disrespect... Perhaps I'll get to see you again, my lady?... -Pay me first. Days after days passed, and I invited her over to my room each day, forming a tiny bond. It was one late cold night, a party in the town had just ended. Members of the geisha house were all invited, of course. But that's when I suddenly hear a loud bang on my door and a few sobs. That voice seemed familiar... But it sounded so sweet crying... I got up, still lightheaded from waking up and headed to the door. Opening it, my gaze fell on her face, her makeup was destroyed by the flowing tears. Crying, she hugged me tightly, like she'd known me for years, and I was the only person to ever love her. I let her in, washing her face gently and guiding her towards the kotatsu, to warm up. But the way she stumbled in her way made me realize she was drunk. Poor thing... -Why are you crying? She hid her face in her soft palms, in shame. -I'm tired!... My head hurts… help me mister! She curled up on the ground as she sobbed, complaining about how much it hurt. I, not knowing what to do, was unable to comfort her. I was terrible at this. I felt even hopeless when she started speaking what was in her mind. -I don't want to live anymore!... I cannot live as a woman... My life is a blight! Her tears flowed. -I'm tired of lustful men longing for my innocence... I don't want to be touched by them. Not again and again... I'm scared of them.... I don't understand why my meaning is only about others. I want to be my own definition. Slowly she calmed down, I patted her head slightly as it fell into my lap. Hearing her pained words made me feel ill. How could someone born in piles of gold feel like this? She wasn't grateful for anything. Damned woman. She didn't know what suffering was really like. A loud slap echoed through the room, then silence. The only sound that could be heard was the quiet song of the grasshoppers. Her tears rolled down her now-redden cheek. -You don't get to complain. You were born surrounded by the shine of gold, bathed in warm water, dressed in fancy clothes. And not once felt hunger. Yet you bawl your eyes out for such a ridiculous matter? Truly disappointing. Her eyes swelled with tears, but this time she was silent, her head in shame. -I'm the one who knows what real suffering feels like. I was alone, always alone. In a wealthy family, with 8 other siblings. While my own parents left me in the care of servants, who at that time, took advantage of my weak, young body. I have am afraid of human beings, I couldn't have guessed why it was like to live as one. No one knew who I was, they only knew the happy fool. Masking myself with the stupidity of a jester. I was disgusted by myself. I was disgusted by them. I couldn't stand their beautiful lies. Untrue words wrapped in warm colours. I was terrorised, not because of what has happened in my childhood, but because of the complexity of the human mind. Their judgement. I became unworthy of breathing. And I lost my ability to feel... to love.. until I met you. -What about me...? -I realized I loved you. And all my suffering vanished at the sight of your eyes. At my warm words, the woman slowly calmed down, still sad from the sudden act of aggression. -So you love me? Truly? -Truly. My love will not falter in decades... -I see... I will not complain about such matters to you... I understand that it's not worth the attention... thank you. -As expected. After all, what would a woman know about suffering? More than exaggerating over a small cause? -Of course... The woman spoke softly, bowing her head slightly. Not daring to look back at Shuuji. Proud of himself, feeling more arrogant than ever, the man spoke again, with a superior tone. -Tell me you love me back. He ordered -I... Love you... She spoke, looking down at her frail fingers. She spent the night at the inn. Though, nothing exceptional happened, since she fell asleep, with the headache. Only my imagination kept me awake in the silence of the night. Seeing her spread out on my sheets made heat pool in my lower gut. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to hear her soft whispers, that would beg me for more. I wanted to feel her. But what an obscene mind I had, I felt sick. Wasn't I supposed to love her? Why was I thinking like an animal in heat? I'm disgusted. The next day, in the morning, the light was seeping through the silk curtains. She was already up, tidying up the place. I observed her calmly, the way her hips swayed as she walked, her long robes fluttering over her delicate body. The other day, we went skiing on the lone mountain, a lot of people filled the view Some falling... some laughing... Surprisingly, I found out she was a skilled skier. I, still not knowing how to balance myself, remained behind, learning from her. I was not a patient man, and quit, leaving her one on the snowy columns. Soon enough followed me back, worried that she might've upset me. I was upset, this woman was only showing off her skills. She shouldn't dare to do such things. We spent the rest of the day together,talking about topics that excited me. The evening got colder and both of us ended up shivering, still walking through the small town.I demanded the cloth she had draped over her shoulders, leaving her to freeze. Soon enough, it started snowing, it was so cold, her fingers froze.