Re-Connected: Can two damaged souls become whole again?

Episode 3: The Unexpected

I love makeup, it’s so artistic and helps me process emotion. The boost of confidence it gives me helps also, but the process of putting it on is the best part. I have to do something to fix my lack of self worth. That demon really messed me up. Both of them did, a biological dad and my youngest baby’s father are the same. How can humans have so much evil in them? I guess I always lived in that fantasy growing up that adults have it all put together, they’re mature, loving and wonderful role models. For goodness sake, I thought it was a rare thing to encounter someone so evil. How In the world did I meet two?

My phone pings from the couch where I have all of my makeup spread out. I fish through everything and find it. I missed an inbox message on i********:? From JON?! No way…I can only imagine what he’s thinking of me right now. I can’t believe on his post I mentioned I just escaped abuse and I’m back home. It was relevant to what he was saying on f*******: but I didn’t think he’d send me a message. I’m shaking and nervous as I open the app. I know he’s going to think I’m crazy. Plus this man is gorgeous and I’m…used, tired, pale, ugly, and empty inside.

Odd, most of the message was incoherent. Does he drink like the two demons in my life? That’s not good. It’s either that or he can’t write or read well, but that’s not what I remember of him. He’s opening up dialogue between us which is what I’m getting from this. He wants to talk, nothing can hurt me worse than I am already so why not.

I respond. That is when our talking begins.

Off and on we text or inbox each other the next few days. Small talk mostly or reminiscing on past memories of when we were kids. He used to bully me, slightly. Nothing super bad, but bad enough that I had a major crush on him and it made me cry each time he was teasing me. That’s how I remember him: beautiful, intelligent but a trouble maker. We update each other (a little bit) about our families and where we are now. I can tell he has secrets, can he tell I have them too? It’s too strange how similar our lives are, am I a mark for abuse again? I must be getting tricked. I’ll have to stop talking to him so much, but there is something inside me that is urging me to keep taking to him. Something whispers inside of me to not be afraid, to keep going and open up.

I sigh and roll my eyes. Self sabotage is what I’m good at I guess and I can’t seem to help myself. My thumbs start pitter pattering away on my phone and I hit send without hesitating. What’s done is done. I know very well at this point that the past can not be changed. I sent a message, it was nice and appreciative of his listening to me. How he takes it, I have no idea.

My heart flutters up into my throat, not again! I’m falling for someone I’m messaging! I just got out of a living nightmare, am I really going to do this to myself already?! It’s not even been a full month since I escaped NJ with my kids. Am I crazy or desperate for true love that I’ll bite at any bit of kindness someone shows me?

Jon will hurt me. Just wait, you’ll see. They’re all the same, men. Vicious, violent, lazy leeches who prey on emotionally weak women. I at least like that I’m feeling flits of happiness here and there when we text. He’s been respectful the entire time. I may keep texting him…