The Rival (Censored)

Chapter 19

Alex

After I left Chen's place, I went inside my flat and shut the door. Then, I leaned against it and pressed my lips with the back of my palm before I rubbed my fingertips over my lips.

I stumbled to the couch and slumped down, pushing my back against the plush upholstery because I was so overwhelmed by what had just happened.

I approached the fridge after gazing at it for a moment before I took the bottle of beer I had left over from Henry's previous visit.

As I headed back to the couch, I sipped the chilly beverage after removing the cap and sighed in frustration as memories flooded my mind.

As Sam's tears began to fall to the ground, she flicked her head down and knit her fingers together.

"Why have you stopped talking to me recently? You no longer seem to be my brother since your return from the US."

Every time I see her in that condition, it hurts me.

Could I blame myself for feeling the need for distance given our situation, though?

We were both drunk young, stupid teens who never understood accountability. Even though Sam wasn’t my real younger sister, we grew up together.

After what happened that evening, it was a grave error to approach her as a woman, steal her first kiss, and spend the entire evening as adults.

This overwhelming sense of remorse and perplexity was too much for me to take.

I took a few more steps away from her while turning my head, so that I wouldn't see that she was sobbing.

She screamed out my name, trying to get my attention, but I ignored her and kept walking until I could no longer hear her.

It didn't take long for me to start crying while I lay on the ground.

When I felt more at ease, I briefly covered my face with my hands and then, started walking for my next lesson.

In my living room, I was staring into the void and leaning against the back of the couch.

I was holding a bottle of beer when I took a sip and let out an irate sigh as I considered the unreported events that had occurred.

I had no choice but to shake my head to get rid of this uneasy sensation. A sensation that no matter what I do, I will never be able to comprehend myself at all.

My brain and my heart have never been and will never be friends, I guessed. And considering the perplexing circumstance I was in, I questioned whether they would continue acting in that way.

I drank the last of the beer, set the bottle down, and pulled my phone out of my pocket. Group messages appeared as I scrolled down after checking my alerts.

I pressed it out of interest and looked through the bizarre group shots that we take throughout the rehearsals.

As I proceeded to scroll and zoom in and out on several photographs, I couldn't help but smile and chuckle.

I started crying when I got to the final picture Henry had provided in the group conversation.

My eyes were steadily filling with tears, which I could feel.

It was the first picture of Chen and me standing next to each other.

We both seemed uncomfortable being that close together for a picture.

I remember the background of how we ended up taking this shot together, and I smiled.

We battled to control our nerves anytime we were close to one another, and we nearly hit each other as a result.

Then, I recognized how affectionate we've become for each other behind closed doors, and it fascinated me how time had passed so quickly.

I set the phone on the table and pressed the key to turning it off. I raised my head to the ceiling while leaning on the couch. My arms were resting on the sides of the surface where I had pressed my forehead.

When Sam, my dad, and I were invited for a family affair. As usual, the home was filled with loud, boisterous laughter.

As much as I wanted to stay there longer, I couldn't, so I got up and moved to a more quiet location close by. So, I ascended the steps until I was on the balcony.

I flung open the French doors and stood there admiring the huge, star-filled skies.

Just then, I heard a throat clearing behind me. I instantly spun around and there was Sam. She came over and took a seat next to me, lifting her face to look up at the sky.

"How are you feeling right now?" The only thing I can ask to break the awkward silence between us while everyone else in the room was speaking is the question.

Sam glowed. "In the following month, I'll be married." She raised her fingers and flicked them to reveal the diamond ring on her index finger, which caused her face to flush. "Alex, aren't you glad for me?"

“Yes.” I was at a loss for words.

My head seemed empty and unusually dark. I was at a loss for the appropriate things to say to her. My brows were wrinkled. My chest felt pushed and restricted.

I avoided looking at her and walked away.

“Where are you going?”

“I want to be alone.”

I threaded my fingers together before placing my lips on them while leaning forward with my torso on one knee and my elbows on the other.

The more I considered what happened between Sam and me years ago and how Chen and I ended up spending the entire night together, the more uneasy I felt.

"Alex, will you please be honest with me once in your life?"

Sam grabbed my arm and made me stare into her swollen eyes. She sounded more like a desperate woman than an adoring sister as her voice grew louder.

“What do you want to know, then?” I sighed and turned my head to gaze at her hand holding onto the sleeve of my sweatshirt while I made an effort to keep my eyes fixed on her.

"Alex, tell me you love me."

"Yes, as a sister."

“You know that I’m not truly part of this family. I never was. Besides, I’m an adopted child, and I’m not your sister.”

I couldn’t answer her.

She gave her head a shake to relax and suddenly moved closer to me and crossed her arms as she came toward me.

"How about we put it how you normally do, like this? Play a game together. If you kiss me in return, I'll take that as a yes. If not, you can move away from me and I'll interpret that as a no."

I scoffed. " You must not —"

By the time she rubbed her torso against mine and raised her head to look directly into my eyes, it was too late for me to react. Her hands pressed and rubbed against my chest down my crotch.

I took a swallow while maintaining eye contact.

“We both know that's not what I mean.” She brushed her lips on my earlobes.

I instantly remembered what had happened, my mind reeling as I remembered it.

When she leaned in for a kiss on my lips, it didn't take long when our lips met before I became completely engulfed in it.

She had her hands around my neck, securing me into her submission, and it was too late for me to respond and push her.

I subsequently started to draw away while shaking my head.

"Sam, we must stop doing this. We both understand that."

She raised herself up once more, but I gently prodded her to get a little distance from her.

"I'm through. Sam, we're done. Got it?"

I flicked my head around the room and checked if somebody was there. I was worried that someone might have observed us and made a false assumption about us.

We appeared to others to be close siblings. It was admirable for every parent to see their children, despite we’re not blood-related.

For Sam and I, it wasn't at all innocent after she found out the truth about her real birth parents.

"You were the one who started it all. So, why don't we just take it all in?"

I scoffed.

I kept thinking about those times I'd had with my sister, not realizing that I was already crying.

I could have done a better job of being her brother.

I could have helped her more.

Although I wish I could, it's too late.

She died.

I wish I could have done anything to cheer her up while she was still living.

What did I do instead?

In addition to robbing her of the promising future she had imagined, I have now developed the need to take Chen away from her as well—who happened to be the same man whom she chose to marry.

I grabbed the photo Sam kept in the diary and took it from my pocket.

As tears continued to dampen my face, I couldn’t help but stare at Chen and Sam’s engagement photo that I found when I returned to the mansion.

Their smiles and affection shown in the photo meant the misery I have given to both of them.

“If I were a better brother, Sam could have lived and married this bastard.”

As I was going to start the engine after getting in the car, the passenger's seat door opened. Sam was seated and fastened in his seat when I turned my head to look at him.

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.

"What brought you here? You know you're scheduled to meet your groom today, don't you? Sam, get out of the car."

"I won't give up on this until you tell me everything and until you are completely honest with me, Alex."

"Leave now. While I'm still being polite, I'm telling you this."

“Why? What are you going to do if I keep doing this? Murder me"?"

"Can't you see this is wrong?"

"Alex, you abandoned me all by myself without explaining your actions to me. After that evening, you abandoned me and went off to enjoy your life overseas. At a time when I most needed you, you abandoned me. You left, and when you came back, it was as if nothing had ever happened between us. It is very painful."

"Stop it. Sam, you'll be getting married soon. You should concentrate on that."

"Are you genuinely cool with me marrying someone else?" Sam began to stutter and her eyes began to well up with tears.

Despite my sympathy for her, I wasn't in a position to act on her behalf. She would never see the gesture from her brother, as much as I wanted to.

I reasoned that by keeping a distance from her, it would be much simpler to adjust and forget the error we had made in the past.

I didn't respond to her and just started the car.

Sam kept screaming while we were on the highway, forcing me to respond to her despite the danger.

However, the car was moving quickly, and she prevented me from maintaining control. Because of my diversion, we both quickly understood there was no going back.

I screamed back at her and as I turned to look and saw the truck coming.

Sam was pushed back into her seat by me as I shifted the wheel to the right for safety.

I had no idea that we were being slammed and knocked out, as we were moving toward a nearby tree.

“I lived, and she died. That’s what happened,” I whispered and scoffed, unable to comprehend what I had done and recognizing how self-centered I was.

What can I do to put things right?

Was my goal to atone for my actions that led to her death and to experience repentance?

I became increasingly disturbed as I asked more of these kinds of concerns. It didn't sound right to me, given the nature of Chen and my relationship with her.

What gives, then?

I have no idea.

If I were to be completely honest with myself as Sam wanted me to, I was beginning to lose track of how I felt about that scumbag.

I suppose it's best to end this before I lose control of myself.

Otherwise…