Pink Hair Don't Care

* It's time *

I rest my head at the border of the bathtub.

My left arm slowly rising from the water until it's in front is my eyes. The water leaves a beautiful shining effect on my skin as I move my hand in a delicate kind of winding dance.

I exhale deeply enjoying the smell of lavender and sage saturating the ambient.

It's time to die...

 I'll never be afraid again.

 It's a promise that I make to myself and one that I intend to keep.

I use the nail of my index finger as if it were a razor, imagining that I'm really cutting my skin... My flesh... I can almost feel the hot blood starting to drip.

It hurts.

I put more strength on it.

It's not enough to break the skin, just a pink long vertical line shows up at my forearm. Beginning at the wrist and going a long way down...

It's probably going to fade in a couple of hours.

"I'll make them permanent to always remind me of what I'm choosing now." The thought quickly crossed my mind.

"Yeah," I say gently to myself. "I would like that."

I do the same with my right wrist.

With my eyes closed, I allow myself to imagine a vivid image of it, of how much it would hurt if I were doing it for real.

I imagine rivers of blood coming through the cuts... Streaming through my arms in a deep shade of pink instead of red... Huh... Who would tell?

I open my eyes and observe both lines for a few seconds, marking this image on my brain with fire, before submerging my arms in the water again.

Oh, it burns.

And it's not even real.

It burns so much...

Maybe it's the soap, maybe is the water's temperature... Or maybe I'm just limp to deal with my own pain.

I breathe profoundly and repeatedly letting the feeling sink in, allowing the pain until I feel so comfortable around it that becomes nothing.

"There will be pain... It's part of life itself... But there will be so much more pleasure. If you avoid the first, you deprive yourself of the last."

I can't really figure if it's my voice or somebody else's. But it really doesn't matter now... It feels like I'm falling asleep, my body is completely relaxed and floats weightless in the warm water...

"What is your choice?"

Someone murmurs at my ear.

I try but can't force my eyes to open, they are so heavy... 

Wasn't I alone? My brain is trying to answer me, but it's tricky to think, I can't remember...

I answer anyway.

"All of it... I choose all."

"So it will be... Die now."

It says softly.

I feel my senseless body slipping completely into the water. 

I can't move.

A spike of panic reaches me when I feel the water inside my nostrils.

It fades away quickly.

No more fear, I made a promise.

There is only darkness now and a last low whisper.

Hundreds of different voices overlapping each other.

"Brave girl."

"We are so proud."

"You've made it.

"It's time."

"She is coming."

"Find us."

"Die now."