SHOTGUN Marriage

BUROL

Lucianda Solero

Bata pa lamang ako ay gusto ko na maging abogada, no one influences me to choose that path. In my world and generational family, they are full of businessmen. A growing career in the business industry. They invest and take risks. I don’t like taking risks. I don’t like investing. But the day I met this man years older than me, I unconsciously risked, investing and submitting wholeheartedly. Sa negosyo, hindi ka pweding magbigay nang magbigay lamang, kailangan may makukuha ka. Kailangan mong kumita para mas lumago iyun. Para mas mapalaki at maparami. Para hindi malugi, para hindi magsara at mawala.

But my love for Doctor Alejandro Montalbo was uncontrollable. Bigay nang bigay, habol nang habol. Wala akong inaasahang kapalit, mahalin lang siya ay masaya na ako. Siya na ang naging mundo ko. Siya na ang buhay ko.

It was an intense love that couldn’t get a grip on. Uncontrollable and strong. They call it obsessiveness… but I call it a love that has limitless passion. I admire him. I love him… even from afar. At hindi ba isang mahika ang pagmamahal ng totoo at walang hinihinging kapalit? It is a power to love a person in every part of him. I committed multiple mistakes for wanting him so badly. At pinagsisihan ko iyun. My karma is probably the Fallacy of my Marriage.

But throughout the chase and run. Heartbreaks and downfall. Tears and pain. I learned when to finally stop. I learned where to draw lines. I learned to control my burning passion and emotions. I learned that not everything in this world can be forced and insisted. No matter how genuine and sincere you are, if it’s not for you… you can never have it. Nakakalungkot pero yun ang katotohanan. The learnings from all of these are the fact that… I learned to strengthen my self-control and to see my value and worth. And the art of letting someone you love go.

Because of my determination… I ended up having a failed marriage. Isang bagay na hindi ko kailanman pinangarap. Isang bagay na takot akong mangyari sa akin, pero nangyari pa rin.

“I’m so scared to have a failed marriage… I’m scared that one day my husband will me tell that he no longer loves me. That he made a wrong decision. Or he has an affair. But guess what?” I laughed softly and pain crept all over my system. “Ako rin pala ang magdedesisyon na bumitaw. Na makipaghiwalay.” Dagdag ko at napabaling sa malawak na tanawin sa burol. I’ve been hiking for the past weeks, to move on and resonate from all of my wrong decisions.

I was with a group of travelers whom I never met before. A stranger. We all gathered here to contemplate. Or just have fun. To temporarily run to the unfair and bitter reality of our life problems. Pero mukhang hindi lahat ng nandito ay yun ang rason.

“Why would you do that? Diba kapag mahal mo dapat hindi mo bibitawan?” A young girl asks, she looks like a freshman college student. Bata pa at mukhang wala pang ganung kalalim na kaalaman pagdating sa pag-ibig.

Mapait akong ngumiti, ganun ang persepyon ko sa ganyang edad. Mahal ko kaya hindi ko bibitawan, ngunit nagising ako sa katotohanan kalaunan. Hindi lahat ng nagmamahal ay kailangang kumapit. Sometimes you really have to let go.

“It’s useless if love is one-sided.” I smiled at her. Ang sarap magmahal, ngayon naiisip ko… mas masarap siguro kung mamahalin ka rin. How unfair, I never felt in my life how to be loved by someone I love. “Know when to stop. Mahalaga ang oras, marami kang masasayang kung patuloy kang maghahabol sa bagay na alam mo namang walang patutunguhan. Kung interesado sayo at may nararamdaman siya, hihinto siya para sayo at sabay kayong maglalakad. Hindi mo kailangang tumakbo maabutan lang siya. Hindi mo kailangang humabol.” Nahihirapan akong napalunok at mas lumalim ang panunuod sa mga dahong sumasabay sa ihip ng hangin.

Pinanuod ko ang paglubog ng araw at inalala ang mga kagagahang nagawa noon para sa isang lalaki. Now I questioned myself, I throw out my worth for a single man who never sees my sincerity. Kung sana pinahalagahan ko lang ang sarili ko ay hindi hahantong ang lahat sa ganito. I was pushy, I know… partially of my past is my fault. Or maybe it was completely my fault.

“It doesn’t matter anyway. At least we learned while breathing. Mas masaklap siguro kung namatay na tayo at hindi pa natuto,” I said jokingly to their faces which were all like mourning, graving. Natawa sila ngunit ramdam ko ang kalungkutan.

“Career success is not the peak of life, huh?” Napabaling ako sa lalaking nagsalita. Hindi nalalayo ang edad nito sa akin. Siya ang kanina pa tumutulong sa akin tuwing nahihirapan akong umakyat kanina. He offers me his palm, para matulungan ako at hindi maiwan. He even carried my bags, so I wouldn’t struggle. “I thought a woman like you who is considered one of the most successful lawyers in the country has no heavy burden and problem. Akala ko kapag tanyag kana ay magiging masaya na ang lahat.”

Nakatayo siya at may hawak na tumbler, hindi kalayuan sa amin. Mapungay ang mga mata at maamo ang mukha. His smile will warm your cold heart. His gaze will give you comfort and telling you that he is a good man.

“Not necessarily vital. But I guess it’s part of it. For some, it is the peak of their life. Depende pa rin sa tao.”

Gumuhit ang ngiti sa labi niya at tumikhim habang hindi inaalis ang titig sa akin. I forget his name. But he has these looks, the looks of a man who is interested in a girl. Hindi ako maaaring magkamali, marami na ang sumubok ngunit si Alejandro lamang ang nakikita ko noon. How I wish that I also look at other men.

“How about you? What will fulfill you before you disappear in this world?” malalim niyang katanungan. It’s too personal, but who cares? Hindi naman namin kilala ang isa’t isa. Lahat kami.

Napatitig ako sa kanyang mga matang naghihintay. Noon ay si Alejandro Montalbo, makuha ko lamang siya at kami ay magmahalan ay kontento na ako sa buhay. Pwedi na akong mawala sa mundo dahil mahal ko siya at mahal niya ako. Simpli lang ang hangad ko noon. Pero ngayon, tila ba kay rami kong hindi pa nagagawa. Kay rami ko pang nais magawa.

Napanguso ako at malalim na napaisip. Ano nga ba? Nakaramdam ako ng kirot sa aking dibdib. Huli na ba ang lahat para mapagtanto ko kung ano pa nga ba ang nag-iisang kulang sa buhay ko bago lisanin ang mundong ito? My time has been wasted… how I wish I could go back in the past, and maybe change it. Pero, naging masaya naman ako. Masaya naman kahit mapait.

“What is the only thing that you wanna do… before you disappear in the world?” Napalunok ako sa kanyang tanong. He fixes his glasses and his lips curve a smile on his lips.

Do I have an answer for that? What do I want before I dissapear in the world? What is missing?

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