Burned By Fate

CHAPTER 005

| LUCY |

I didn't sleep all night. I've done nothing good with my time except wallow in my own self-pity. I brought this on myself.

Of course I did. This is all my fault. It's always my fault, I can never seem to do anything right.

I've been mindlinking my mate since the evening of the party but he refuses to answer other than telling me to be quiet.

I still don't even know his name. All he has done is tell me to keep my distance. I know how much the mindlinking is affecting him because it's doing the same to me. It lights up my body like a tree with fairy lights and my wolf purrs at the sound of his voice.

But our conversations are cut short because he doesn't want to speak with me for too long.

All I want to know is his name. I am desperate to put a name to that gorgeous face.

I can't stop thinking about his saddened eyes. The way they glimmered with betrayal in the light and the strict expression of devastation. It still haunts me. It will haunt me forever and maybe I deserve that.

For what feels like the hundredth hour of the day I roll into bed, feeling the heaviness of my guilt and shame on my back.

I grip onto the sheets and sigh heavily into the pillow. “Can I at least know your name?”

The words fly off into a never ending blackhole. I have no idea if he's ignoring me or if he's listening and still choosing to ignore me. But I have to know. It is killing me.

“Please.” I whimper. “I know I don't deserve your time right now but please.”

“Just your name.”

I chew on my lip and stare at the window, my curtains blowing gently from the crack of breeze. My eyes clench together and I grumble out a sigh. This is pointless. He's never going to forgive me and I'm never going to recover from the tightness in my chest, the ache in my heart. This is me forever.

“I'll stop mindlinking if you tell me. I have to know. Ple-“

“Ethan”. His voice snaps sharply. “My name is Ethan.”

I sink into the pillows further, a small light brightening inside my chest. “Ethan”. I repeat.

“You said you'd stop mindlinking.” His smooth voice wobbles.

My lips slip into a frown as I nuzzle my head back into the pillow. “I'm Lucy”.

Ethan doesn't respond when I share my name with him, I wasn't expecting him to. Even though the conversation went no better than the last couple of times, this felt different and now one can put a name to a face.

My mate. Ethan.

********

I wake up after what feels like a few minutes sleep but it feels easier now that I know his name.

That's all I wanted to know, all I wanted to hear and now it feels like the missing piece of the puzzle.

An answer to a question I've been asking for the last twenty six years. It's him. He is the answer and I had no idea that I would feel like this. That I would feel so empty without him. Empty without someone that I don't even know.

I drag myself to the shower and try to force myself to continue doing daily tasks before I fall down into a pit of depression. I know I'll never get back up if I do and that won't help me win Ethan back. I have to keep my head held high, despite the lowness inside my body.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and frown at what I see staring back at me.

Dull, exhausted, defeated.

I've never seen such dark circles and pale skin. I barely recognise myself.

A tightness grips my chest, wrapping itself around my lungs and my anxiety begins to spike without any invitation whatsoever. I grip the counter and hunch my back over the skin, grumbling out a breath that feels like a desperate cry.

I don't feel like myself. I haven't felt like myself in months.

All the partying, drinking, drugs and s*x.

Who have I even become? I'm just a shell of a woman that doesn't belong anywhere.

Of course Ethan would have one glance at me, at my lifestyle and decide that I'm not worth it. Have I ever been worth a mate? I am nothing but a disappointment.

A useless excuse of a werewolf that cares more about pleasing others than what's really going on inside my own brain.

When was the last time I truly took care of myself rather than shoving vodka down my neck and jumping into bed with someone who doesn't even know my name?

I have no idea when I became this person but I am terrified. I am terrified.

After what feels like an eternity, I pull my eyes from the broken reflection and take myself downstairs. I need to get out of this room before I start clawing at the wallpaper and I make an even bigger fool of myself.

My eyes gravitate to the coffee machine when I get downstairs. That's the first thing I need, caffeine to fight this horrific headache that I have and the lack of sleep I've got over the last couple days.

"Hey girl," a voice from behind me causes me to jump out of my skin.

I glance over at my brother, Jacob, as he makes his way into the kitchen. He studies me for a few moments and I don't even want to think about how bad I look in his eyes, let alone see it on his face.

"Hi," I sigh and drag a hand down my face painfully.

"What's been going on?" Jacob settles down beside me.

I clutch the coffee between my hands tighter, allowing the temperature to burn through my skin. "Everything is fucked." I admit.

His brows push together. "What do you mean?"

My throat clenches when I part my lips. I told Monica, Jacob’s mate, what happened that night when I saw her in the morning. I was a mess, full of alcohol and severely disoriented and I'm surprised she hasn't run to Jacob to tell him everything.

But that's how I know that I love and trust her more than anything.

She's given me this chance to tell my brother myself. In my own words. My own time.

I turn my head to the wall. Looking at Jacob will make me break down.

"He's never going to take me back." I murmur pathetically.

"Who?"

"My mate. I've f****d everything. Everything!"

He places a hand onto my shoulder, to let me know that he's here and it's okay. I can't remember how many times I've had to rely on Jacob when my emotions have become too high, when I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do.

I've tried so hard not to do it recently because he's been so busy with Monica.

He's been working hard to help her trust him, after everything that she has possibly gone through, I wouldn't want to take this time away from them.

So I've been silent. Painfully silent.

"Okay, okay," Jacob dips his tone carefully. "Tell me everything."

So I do. Everything that happened the other night. How much I f****d up. How much hatred and devastation I saw in Ethan’s eyes. How I think that we will never be able to come back from this because he will never forgive me. No matter how hard I try.

I don't even realise I can't catch my breath and I'm sobbing until Jacob catches me in his arms and clutches me close to his chest. We've always been close, we've always been affectionate and having a hug from your brother that you love-it means everything to my damaged soul.