Gillian Lermant

My dad named me after 7 days from when I was born. Why? I don"t know? I don"t know what my name means! I tried simple google search and it didn’t gave me up for what it meant and I asked my family; my mother said that, dad heard or read it somewhere and he doesn’t remember now. He doesn’t even remember it when he gets drunk. Though that would have been the nearest I would have come to know about my name. Gillian thinks it’s kind of a serpent referencing name. She went off as a snake in the Halloween with me as being me and telling everyone she is a snake. Gillian is my friend long from childhood; from kindergarten we have been together. She has stayed with me for far too long, even when nobody was there and she is my best friend. We always choose the same school, though we never wanted to be in a fancy private school and public school accepts whatever they get so we were at the Bronx State High school. It’s a long train ride to our school and rarely do we get to sit but those sometimes are pretty amazing like today, there isn"t any place on the subway and I had already given up my seat to a blind guy. For whom the subway are brutal, like how do they expect a blind guy to race out of the subway in this thick crowd. So Gillian and I were sharing a seat, she was sitting over me, her brown hair braided together were sitting on my shoulder. She was telling me this funny thing in a video she watched on YouTube and I was listening to her. People looking at us would believe we are together, a sound couple but we aren’t. We are just friends. And that bothers me. I love Gillian but I could never tell her. I believe what if I tell her right now, how would she react. "hey, Gillian’ she would stop telling her final punch line, ‘I love you’ She would look at my amazed, stunned and bothered while sitting over my lap. "what’ she would matter, ‘that"s why I feel something poking at the back. You had to ruin our friendship right. Nothing can stay right forever." And she would storm to the door and I wouldn"t be able to reach her in the morning crowd moving between us. I snap out of my thought and laugh at the joke she tells. I don"t believe she would love me. I sometimes feel there was a tight moment but the following moments don"t seem to justify it. I feel she doesn"t feel it and if she did she might tell me. But yes I love her and I believe that no girl-boy can stay best friend, it can’t happen. I have been in love with her from the same time we’ve been together yeah I know earlier these feelings weren’t there and you think are just looking at her as the same person but then maybe suddenly something and you realize that you feel different with this person now. It was a time when this friendship started to become a veil for my true emotions. ‘do you know Lermant, it maddens me why old people have to travel in this rush." ‘I don’t know. I guess they are going back to home. After rigorous exercise.’ ‘yeah yeah…you know I think I would like being old. You see that I could speak anything, it doesn’t has to be right. Like whatever filter you had in mind you can just f**k it. Say whatever you want. I would ask you,’ she says impersonating a feeble, rough voice, ‘hey son, give me a lap dance. Dry hump me dear’ and she burst into a laugh. ‘I have never seen any old person like this…’ I tell her The door opened and the rush flowed in as it left and Gillian swiveling around the pole said "you"ll see me." I would sound dishonest if I would say that I have never said anything to her. I have tried joking around in being with her or loving her but they were stupid, ‘oh Gillian you are only there for me.’ Or being cringy at times like, ‘we’d always be together.’ And she always listened to it believing it. It makes me think that we would be together for a very long, we won’t separate. We can’t be but I don’t know what would happen in our life together when we go out for college. There are two years for that, but still… I worry about that a lot, Gillian says that she doesn’t like me talking about the future much, I guess she likes knowing and understanding it as a bliss. We sit together for our lunch, I might not be lying when I say that yes I do get irked, overconscious when I see other guys hanging around with her, I sense her leaving me. Going away from me. Or else this feeling of irksome that I get is that it’s actually need of her, I don’t want her to be with anybody else, I only want to be with her. I only want to spend time with her. I can say I use lame romantic words, I am “irrevocably” in love with her. How it would stop I don’t know? She entwines her fork around the pasta to trap as much as she can. How life will be different if I look at her and I tell her that yes I want to be there with you, I could get up, no shove away the chair I was sitting on and kneel down, take away her hand and tell her that I love you. But I don’t do anything. I don’t have the guts, I am a wuss. Either I just stare at her, does she understand how I look at her, how easy it was if she understood and there was no need of saying anything she just knew and I knew what she knew, it would have been so simple. Already done beforehand, every possibility wouldn’t be left uselessly and would be in a practicality done before. ‘so lermant do you have any idea for doing anything tomorrow, we have claire’s party we could go?’ she asks, she loves using my name, thinking it would bug me but I like how she says it. ‘okay, sure…I’ll come get you.’ ‘oh already, yeah nice.’ She smiles at me, her light pink lips stretch around and she slowly bites on it and finishes her pasta, finally. And then turns over to eat my burger .