Healing Journey

Being transparent has always been a difficult journey because I have always and will always feel that when you show someone who you really are- they normally leave. Granted hiding who you are isn’t the smartest decision or living in fear. I do not feel I live in fear-don’t feel like I hide myself from other- what I DO do is tread lightly until I know I’m safe. As I continue to discover who I am and who I should be in the Worlds’ neat suit- I guess we’ll start where I’m asked: “Today sit in nature for at least 5 minutes. Actually sit back to a tree, butt on the ground, feel the Earth in some way. Tell the story of the first time you can remember feeling safe and provided for. Go back as far as you can remember, and no story or memory is too small. Then tell the story of the first time you felt betrayed by the humans who made you feel safe.” Reading and digesting that the root chakra sits at the base of my spin- focusing on stability, family, finances, and safety. In this moment it’s truly hard to place a time in my past. Deductive reasoning helps me best so after high school- 18+ never felt safe. Thrown in college the summer literally after graduation and then getting pregnant in my first 3 months there- yeah no. Bad. Horrible. NEXT Senior year I was scared and operating out of thought to “get out the house by 18” so everything was close down ceremony and placing of fear that it’s time for the real world so again, that’s a no. 9th-11th of high school I just knew I was building the relationships that would last through out college and life but every “so called romantic” relationship I had was trash. I had three boyfriends, whom all cheated on me because I was a good girl. My mom didn’t play those games but somehow I still managed to sneak around such as sneaking out the house or going on dates. None the less- high school wasn’t fun. It was what you did- Middle school I was bullied through my 6/7th because I was the only light skin girl in the school that was pretty and all the boys swoon over me and I didn’t know what it meant to be pretty. I just looked at boys like boys. Who cares. Little of a bad ass and cursed a lot with a big mouth because I could talk you outta wanting to f**k with me after my first fight and I got a black eye and suspended for 2 weeks. Smdh. I got hit and they still persecuted me. First time I knew I hated females- first time I felt completely u protected. First time I felt alone. I was utterly confused. And the sadder part- in the hood you get praised for fighting - I didn’t to fight though. No one had ever taught me that so I leaned on lying about the fight and talking big s**t so people would leave me alone. It worked. But it turnt me into a complete asshole- but protected. I lost weight because I was a chubby elementary student and if I was thinner I would maybe become a homecoming Queen around the school and people would be nicer to me and protect me. Yeah. Big f**k up there again. When I made the volleyball team and started to bulk up and thin out - it only made it worst. Always pushed, attacked, or mocked in public places. I was terrified to get “released” at the end of the day or coming in for lunch or starting the day because all these ghetto ass kids that lived directly in front of the school waiting and plotted to fight daily. So it was a war zone all middle school- bombs away. Elementary school- I can’t remember a bad day personally. Like elementary school teachers encourage you- they push creativity and reading. The only bad things I can truly remember is the twin towers being crashed on the roll in tv on the cart and our 5th grade trip to Washington DC got canceled. The happiest moment for me was being accepted to TAG- Talented and Gifted Students. 4/5th grade I got to go to classes with all white students who didn’t fight. They all wanted to learn and read big books. Ugh. My favorite book, “The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe.” I would love to read that as an adult. Ha. Getting chills now sitting here thinking about it. I aced the test and got flying colors to be sent to Honors Classes and college pre. I knew I was smart and the validation gave me encouragement to be a “nerd”. Oh yeah and I had two boyfriends “supposedly” too ?. One is a MLB player now. I remember him giving me a pearl necklace - silver. I wore that thing like a badge of honor that someone loved me enough to give me a gift that I didn’t ask for. I was so “in love”. The second- his best friend made us stay together because he passed me all the notes from my little crush. I checked yes when he asked. Little heart all happy. Smh. Benvenue was litty. I actually loved that place. Passing by it now as an adult- it looks so small and bleek. I remember it being bright and sitting in the multi purpose room early in the morning and being happy to be there. Even having field day- I just knew I was going to be great at kickball ?. Playing on the playground with my two best friends. You couldn’t tell me nothing. I can say I felt safe there. But there has to be something prior right? I’ve sat here thinking. My parents divorced prior to elementary school. We were living in Texas. The house felt safe. Riding with my dad in his truck felt safe. Walking in the neighborhood or riding my bike felt safe. Going to the next door neighbors house to play with my best friend felt safe. I’m listing these things in part because I don’t remember much and I have also buried my existence then so much because there’s too many gaps and I can’t remember much. I can say I remember the day we left. My granddaddy showed up and he was a thin tall dark chocolate man and I thought he was here to visit but we packed all our stuff and then my mom tore up the house. The entire house. I remember owning the door and seeing the dinning room table destroyed. It looked as if she took out the leaf and then pushed the two sides down with the legs sticking in the air turned over. The somebody pushed the door back closed and escorted my to the back seat of a van. I starred out back as everyone else got in the car and gazed at the house- I didn’t know id never return to. None of this makes sense sometimes. But I do know life is what it is. I’m truly still finding my place in the world. I can say that 0-5 was your typical white fence life. My mom worked. My dad worked. And my two sisters took care of me or I went to family friends home. Like Mrs Iris. Ugh. She loved me so and she fed me well! Her kitchen was all sunflowers- I’ve always wanted a sunflower kitchen. Those made me happy and so did she. 6-12 was okay. Home life wasn’t great. My mom was a single mother razing three girls so we didn’t have much but she made it work. 13-28 has been turmoil on and off. 28/29 I fell in love. I’ve poured myself in loving and finding the right partner. My current man- He did provide safety when I came back this time around. I remember sitting on the bed as he begged for my forgiveness rubbing my feet in his new 5 bedroom f*****g mansion that he rented after I left him and moved to NC just to fix “us”. For the first time in a long time the very person that threatened my safety brought me so much of it. We had a steamy night- this one in particular I remember like it was last night- the moment I let myself love and bask in his love. We were in the shower - might I add the shower itself was lit. It was 6 shower heads and it was huge. Has a shower bench and all. Best shower I’ve ever used in my life - ANYWHO - and he put his arms around me with my back facing him and he held me and just whispered in my ear how much I meant to him. - ugh tears. Yeah. He um said how much he’d love me and he was always going to protect me. Love me. He apologized. If it was meant to be picture perfect - it was in this moment. As a female, you dream about the man who sweeps you off your feet. In that moment he was it. I closed my eyes and my knees went weak. So yeah. Literally and physically I feel for him. He satisfied half of my 4 prong chakras - stability & finances. He’s shaky on safety and would never be considered family. So here we are. Journal one.