I am the Night - the last She-Wolf

Chapter 18 - Faith

Nathaniel POV

A strange feeling settles in my stomach. I’m unsure about what I did. What I told her. Am I relieved? Am I glad she knows? The thing is, that she doesn’t know anything. And neither do I.

I am aware of our history, but I don’t know what it means. All I know is that the closer I get to her the more I need it. It seems to become impossible to stay away.

“So? What happened?” Zeek asks, his voice clear in my head. Mika’s head just turned and I am sure there was a smile on her lips. She’s amused by this. But it’s not funny. It’s serious.

“Nothing,” I say, glancing at him.

“Oh, come on, don’t play with me. You and little riding hood? Huh? Got a little glance under the hood?”

I growl at him, “stop being disrespectful! And when I say nothing happened I mean it! She talked. I talked.”

“About?”

“She knows,” I sigh and his steps falter a little.

“And? How can you say nothing happened. That’s huge. You told her? What did she say?”

“She doesn’t understand what it means. Hell, I don’t even understand it!” I say with a shake of my head, “but this is getting worse, Zeek. I really want to kill him,” I nod at the Hunter, carefully placing his hand on her hip, while he wraps her arm over his shoulders. She’s probably tired and needs the support, but I want to be the one providing it.

“He seems to be alright,” Zeek says, “but I’m guessing this has nothing to do with your judgment of character, huh?”

“No,” I mutter and he pats my shoulder.

“Personally, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. If she is your mate, she can’t help but choose you. She was made for you by the Goddess. Just keep that in mind. He doesn’t stand a chance against that.”

“You want me to have faith? After everything, our kind has been through? After the Goddess left the stage? She let us down!” I rant. She let Mika get hurt. She let her suffer, while she could have been safe and sound with me. She could have saved our race by sticking with the old ways. A mate for an Alpha. Yet here we are. I’m not an Alpha and she is not a wolf. Not entirely anyway.

“Or maybe you just can’t see the bigger picture, my friend. You are, after all the son of an Alpha.”

Blake raised me. He never made a big deal out of the fact that I am not his biological son. No one ever questioned it. What they don’t know is, that I am actually born a Rogue and my father, in fact, was the Alpha of the Rogues. Their leader, which makes him the worst of them all. I carry his genes and with that, there might also be some of his cruelty in my DNA.

I’ve been carrying that burden with me ever since I found out that Blake is not my father. Ever since I found out my father is a Rogue. The worst there is. He knows no mercy. He knows no empathy. And certainly, no love. I’m glad my mother took me away from him. Even though it cost her life.

Gabriel is like him. He’s a vicious man. My half-brother. I can’t deny that my family tree is messed up on all ends. Except maybe my mother. She was kind. At least that’s what Blake told me. Broken, but kind.

I glance over at Mika. She’s broken too, yet she manages to move on. She’s incredibly strong. Besides the pain she endured, I know nothing about how they inflicted it on her. I don’t know what happened and it’s probably for the best. I would run to the compound and tear it down.

She’s broken. She’s kind. She helped me despite what she’s been through. And she’s mine. Zeek is right, there is no way to avoid this. We are inevitable.

“What’s with the smirk?” Zeek chuckles.

“Maybe you’re right,” I say out loud, “it is fate, right? It is what the Goddess wants?”

He nods with a smile, “just roll with it!”

A while later heavy snowfall sets in. It clings to our clothes and hair. It blurs my vision and as it’s getting darker it’s getting harder to move forward. I can tell Mika is getting tired. Too tired to move. She’s struggling with her steps, but of course, she refuses any help.

“We should stop for the night,” Logan finally suggests. He glances at Mika, knowing she’s beat. Strange how he cares for her, even though he doesn’t really know her. From what he told us, she saved his life too. He owes her. So do I. The difference is that I belong to her ever since she carelessly touched me. Igniting an ancient bond I was not prepared for.

“Yes,” I agree and take in our surroundings. We are close to the mountains. A little further and we might find shelter in a cave.

“This is great,” Zeek cheers and claps his hands, “I know exactly where to go!” he starts walking. I have a rough idea of where he’s headed. There’s a hot spring at the foot of the mountain and Zeek loves that place. Especially in winter.

“How are you feeling?” my ears twitch as I listen to Cillian and Mika. He’s concerned she won’t make it. He underestimates her strength. Her will to move. He’s always hovering over her. I can tell she doesn’t appreciate it. Yes, she’s weak, but she hates to admit it. She hates to submit to her own body.

“You keep asking me that, Cillian,” she sighs, “I’m going to be okay.”

“Yes, but I know you wouldn’t tell me otherwise so I have to ask. I’m just trying to make sure.”

“I know,” she sighs and her hand gently touches his arm, “how about I tell you when I’m not doing okay?”

“You won’t tell me!”

“Maybe,” she smiles and glances past Cillian. Her eyes meet mine. Curiosity sparks within her gaze. She’s hungry for answers. Answers Cillian can’t provide. I can. She’ll come to me willingly and he can’t do anything about that.

I can’t help but smile at the thought. Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself, but what else can I do? Faith is probably all I have left by now. The one thing I’ve been rejecting all my life.

In the distance, you can already see the steam of the well. Hot clouds mix with the cold wintery air. Zeek already strips out of his clothes and rushes towards it, howling like a crazy person.

I hear Mikas laugh. It resonates in my chest. She doesn’t laugh as much as I wish she would. It’s a wonderful sound. Void of sorrow. It’s perfect. It makes me happy. Stupid even. So, I lift my shirt over my head and follow my friend to the spring, jumping right in.

The water is hot, almost burning my skin, but damn it feels good. I always felt like this place holds some kind of special power. It’s energizing. Breathing back life into a beaten body.

Everybody takes a dip into the well. Except for Mika. She slowly sinks down on a stone, carefully dipping her toes into the water. She winces at the impact, so I swim over to her. “Didn’t you want a bath?” I ask, she carefully smiles but doesn’t look at me.

“I did,” she sighs and sinks both feet into the water. Slowly she lifts her gaze to meet mine, “I can’t swim,” she admits with a little shrug.

“It’s not that deep,” I tell her, “you can stand if you stay close to the sides!” She bites her lip and slowly shakes her head. She’s shy. She’s afraid of something I can’t decipher, but I can feel it.

“It’s okay,” she whispers and shrugs out of her jacket. She starts to let the water run down her bare arms. Cuts and bruises all over her skin. I can’t help but growl at the sight. She looks up at me and stops what she’s doing. “Why do you keep growling at me?” she asks carefully.

“What happened there?” I ask. She sighs and continues to splash her arm with the warm water.

“They took a lot of my blood,” she says, “and after that didn’t do much, they tried to force me to shape-shift. Which I can’t do.”

“Force it how?”

“Anything. Fear, pain, threatening my life,” she explains, “they... that last day, they took us to the cage with Logan,” she says, “and they showed us what they’ve been doing with my blood. I think they are trying to make some kind of super soldier. Human, but with more strength, speed, and all that. I saw what it did. What they did. I’ve... it was horrible,” she breathes.

“Did they succeed?” We’ve been at such a point before. She wouldn’t know, because it’s our history, not hers, but experiments caused humans to turn into something vicious. Something we banned years ago to the Darklands.

“The man was half wolf, half human, he was horribly deformed and in pain. It... it was my fault,” she adds with a whisper.

“No,” I say shaking my head and involuntarily putting my hand on her thigh. She jumps a little as my hand touches her skin. It does feel static, bubbling inside my body, pulling me towards her. She’s feeling it too. “Greed did this,” I add.

“I wish they never found out about me,” she says, “sometimes I even wish Cillian wouldn’t have spared my life.”

“Would you stop saying that?” I groan annoyed by her constant wish for death. It’s driving me crazy.

She shrugs, but doesn’t say anything, she just continues washing her arms. With a heavy sigh, I let my hand slide off her thigh. She tries not to react, but it takes her some concentration to keep her eyes fixed on what she’s doing.

“Food anyone?” Barron calls through the snow, a larger animal hanging over his shoulders. Probably deer. Everyone seems happy for something real to eat, so we take shelter close by and cook the meat over a nice fire. It crackles in the night, softly illuminating the faces around.

One in particular. She looks distracted. Deep in thought as she stares at the flickering flames. Her eyes are heavy, as she tries to stay awake. After a while, she can’t resist it any longer and she leans against Cillian.

He smiles and puts his arm around her, trying to make her as comfortable as possible. Absentmindedly he strokes her arm. I hate that he dares to touch her. But he doesn’t know his chances with her are low. He won’t win her over. He can’t keep her, simply because she doesn’t belong to him.

“I’ll check the perimeter,” I say and stand, not able to sit still while I have to watch Mika with him.

“Want company?” Zeek asks.

“No. You should go to sleep. It’s late,” I say as I walk away from them. Slowly strolling through the snow. It’s quiet, except for the soft rustling of fresh snow falling and melting into the frozen surface. White as far as your eyes can see. An ocean of purity.

It’s an emptiness that takes over inside of my chest. Lonely even. I know I just have to turn around and I’ll be with my pack. My wolf wants me to go, but I need to keep moving for a while. Time passes by, the sky pitch-black. It had stopped snowing a while ago when I see a small shadow slowly sneaking away from camp.

I don’t have to look twice to know who it is. Slowly, quietly I follow her. She’s headed for the well. I watch her from a safe distance, hiding away from plain sight. She carefully strips out of her dirty clothes.

Her body is bruised all over. Dried blood clinging to her skin. She carefully unwraps the bandage around her waist and glances down at her body. I hear her heavy sigh before she carefully steps into the spring.

Her sigh of discontent turns into a soft moan as the water embraces her body. Like a siren's call, it draws me closer. I can’t help it. My body has a mind of its own.

She leans back, dipping her hair in the water, letting it rinse off the ick from the past. When she opens her eyes again, I am standing right there at the edge of the little pool. She gasps in surprise and quickly turns her body away from me. I hate that she does. I hate that she feels the need to hide from me.

“What are you doing?” she hisses, “you scared me!”

I’m stunned into silence, staring at her. Her hair clings wetly to her scalp; her face seems to glow in the water. Her whole body seems to be glowing softly. A silver-blue hue to the water. The need to quickly peel out of my clothe and join her is overwhelming. I desperately want to touch her and feel the texture of her skin under my fingertips. I want to taste her. To drink her in. To make her mine.