The Scandalous Woman

04

"Ivy, this isn't right. Mali na 'tong ginagawa mo sa sarili mo. Nakakasawa na na araw-araw, tuwing pumupunta ako rito sa bahay mo, ganito palagi ang makikita ko."

Dwayne stood infront of me and nagged at me just like what he always do but all of his words fell into deaf ears.

I stared blankly at him.

"You're almost killing yourself---"

"What if that's what I want to do?" I cut his words off.

He looks taken aback because of what I said but his face immediately softened. "Ivy, that's not right, huh?" Mahinahong tanong niya.

I scoffed. "Why not? Hindi ba at ginusto mo rin namang mamatay noong umalis si Ate Nellie? Bakit parang. . . Bakit parang hindi ko ako naiintindihan?"

Malakas siyang bumuntong hininga at tila lumuhod sa harapan ko upang magkapantay kami. "Of course, naiintindihan kita. I know that it's tough but Ivy, you taught me to never give up no matter what life throws to me. Ikaw ang nagturo sa akin noon kaya bakit parang nakalimutan mo na ang itinuro mo?"

"I'm so tired." I looked away as a lone tear fell from my eyes.

"Ivy. . ."

"I'm so tired of everything, Dwayne. T-Tuwing lalabas ako, tinitingnan nila ako na para bang ang dumi-dumi kong tao. Pakiramdam ko. . . Pakiramdam ko hinuhubaran nila ako tuwing nakatingin sila sa akin. Wala na akong mukhang maihaharap sa mga tao kasi sirang-sira na ako sa paningin nila."

I was about to wipe my tears when Dwayne caught my hands and caressed it. "Everything is going to be fine, Ivy. Makakalimutan ka rin nila---"

"Until when?" pagputol kong muli sa dapat ay sasabihin niya. "Hanggang kailan ko dapat tiisin lahat ng ito hanggang sa makalimutan ako ng mga tao?"

"Just hang in there, Ivy, all right? Kuya Declan is already doing something to take down the videos on the internet. I already hired a lawyer to your case so you don't need to worry about that bastard anymore. Ako ang bahala, okay?"

Marahan akong tumango at muling yumuko habang patuloy pa rin ang paglandas ng luha mula sa aking mga mata.

"I-I'm sorry," mahinang bulong ko.

"Huh? For what? You don't need to say sorry, Ivy---"

"May problema ka na nga kay Ate Nellie tapos dumagdag pa ako. Tapos si Kuya Declan naman, alam kong busy siya sa kasal nila ng fiancé niya tapos. . ."

"Shh, shh. It's nothing, okay? Para ka na rin naming kapatid kaya hindi ka abala para sa amin. Kung nandito lang din si Darius, I'm sure he'll help you without hesitation too." He cut my words off as he wiped my tears using his thumb.

I sobbed harder. "I'm such a burden to all of you, Dwayne. P-Problema ko 'to, e. Ako ang may kasalanan pero pati kayo nadadamay sa problema ko."

"Ivy, how many times should I tell you that it isn't your fault? Stop blaming yourself for something that you're not in control of. Ang gagong ex mo ang may kasalanan ng lahat kaya hindi mo dapat sinisisi ang sarili mo."

"P-Pero kung hindi ako pumayag na gawin ang bagay na iyon kasama siya. . ."

Dwayne drew in a long breath which made me pause from what I'm going to say. Hindi na naman ako nagpatuloy pa sa pagsasalita nang mapansing seryoso na ang ekspresyon sa kaniyang mukha.

"Hindi mo kasalanan na gago ang ex mo, Ivy. It's his fault. s*x is all right but filming someone without her consent while having an intercourse isn't right. Siya ang may kasalanan ng lahat ng ito, naiintindihan mo ba?"

I bit my lower lip and looked down. "But the comments says that it's my fault," mahinang bulong ko.

"Then those comments are nonsense! Ikaw ang biktima rito, Ivy. Tandaan mo 'yan, okay? Those who were blaming a victim like you are nothing but narrowminded and enabler of men's wrongdoings just like what your ex boyfriend did. Hindi mo sila dapat iniintindi."

"Pero kasi. . ."

"Ivy, I do not condemn victim blaming. Kaya kung sisisihin mo lamang ang sarili mo sa kasalanang hindi naman ikaw ang may kagagawan, para mo na rin akong hindi iginagalang. Victim blaming is never right, Ivy. So you shouldn't blame yourself because in this case, you are the victim."

Bagsak ang balikat kong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniya. I know that he has a point but. . . all of them keeps saying that it's my fault.

Na kasalanan ko kung bakit nangyari sa akin ang kababuyang ito.

"T-Tinawagan mo na ba ang Mama mo?" He asked worriedly.

Malakas akong bumuntong hininga at marahang umiling bilang sagot sa tanong niya. "Alam kong alam na niya ang tungkol sa kumakalat kong video pero hindi niya pa rin ako tinatawagan," I answered.

"Gusto mo bang tawagan k--"

"No!" Mabilis kong pagtutol sa suhestiyon niya. "I'm sure she will also blame me for what happened."

"Pero Ivy, hindi ka naman nakakasiguro na isisisi niya sa 'yo ang nangyari. Nanay mo pa rin siya kaya siguro akong nag-aalala siya sa 'yo," he reasoned out.

I heaved a deep sigh as I let out a bitter laugh. "Hindi 'yan. She's too busy bonding with her new family. Wala na 'yong pakialam sa akin."

"Ivy. . ."

"Her new husband is a governor, Dwayne. Hindi makabubuti sa kanila kung bigla akong pumasok sa eksena. I'm a scandalous woman, after all."

"But you still need a shoulder to lean on during these times. If it weren't for my family, I don't think I'm still alive right now after my child died and after Nellie left me---"

"Tingin ko, kaya ko namang mag-isa. Sanay na naman ako kaya hindi na bago iyon." I immediately cut his words off when I heard about the word 'family'.

Dwayne is someone who values his family so much. He always told me the essence of having a family to lean on but I don't want to offend him by saying my thoughts about family because I don't have one.

Hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi niyang kahalagahan ng pamilya kasi wala naman akong pamilya.

I bit my lower lip and wiped my tears. "Kakayanin ko naman, 'di ba?" I asked, almost a whisper, but enough for him to hear.

He was a bit taken aback because of what I said but after a couple of seconds, he let out a harsh breath as he slowly nod his head and messed my hair.

"Naniniwala akong kakayanin mo kaya lumaban ka, okay? Fight for yourself, Ivy."

I looked down out of pity.

I wish I could really fight for myself.