I Was Here

I Know Now

I Know Now

My name is Irina.

The dream ends.

I open my eyes and find myself standing alone in an empty room. The ceilings and the walls are neatly painted white. And the floor is composed of polished light brown wood. There is a dark brown framed window at one corner where the light is coming from.  I observed how the yellow orange light made its way through the open window. I stand there in one corner of the room captivated by the yellow light. The light was so bright that it nearly blinded my eyes.

I close my eyes and a scene plays on my mind. I see myself thrown on the ground with my bicycle. A bright yellow light from the car hits me, right there. I see a red car in front of me.

I open my eyes and stare at the sunlight passing through the window of the bedroom. Did I just remember it right?  I was hit by a car that day. And the last thing that I saw not so far is a girl who wears a mini yellow dress.

’Did I die?’ 

I was hit by a car, but I also followed her into the crowds. I followed her, that is how I got here. I nervously ask myself; Am I dead?

Tears instantly fall from my eyes. How could it be?  I feel like there’s a knife stabbed straight into my heart. Damn my heart breaks. Oh man, it is painful. I couldn’t stop crying. It feels like my lungs are filled with water, I couldn’t breath. 

Is it too late now? 

I put my right feet forward. Can I go back?  I take one step followed by the next. I don’t want to die. I walk faster until I come running. And while I ran I heard a song play, but I guess it should not bother me anymore now that I know I am dead.

Stand by MeBy Oasis

Made a meal and threw it up on Sunday

I've got a lot of things to learn

Said I would and I'll be leaving one day

Before my heart starts to burn

So what's the matter with you?

Sing me something new

Don't you know the cold and wind and rain don't know

They only seem to come and go away

Times are hard when things have got no meaning

I've found a key upon the floor

Maybe you and I will not believe in

The things we find behind the door

So what's the matter with you?

Sing me something new

Don't you know the cold and wind and rain don't know

They only seem to come and go away

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be

Stand by me, nobody knows

Yeah, nobody knows, the way it's gonna be

If you're leaving will you take me with you?

I'm tired of talking on my phone

There is one thing I can never give you

My heart will never be your home

So what's the matter with you?

Sing me something new

Don't you know the cold and wind and rain don't know

They only seem to come and go away

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be

Stand by me, nobody knows

Yeah, nobody knows, the way it's gonna be

The way it's gonna be, yeah

Maybe I can see, yeah

Don't you know the cold and wind and rain don't know

They only seem to come and go away (hey, hey)

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be

Stand by me, nobody knows

Yeah, God only knows, the way it's gonna be

I feel lost. Strange how I had a life before. I had it before, I was happy. But now as I look back, I have nothing. It’s gone. They are gone. Something precious was taken away from me and no matter how hard I try I can’t get it back because it is no longer there. What’s left with me are only memories and it hurts whenever I think of them. It hurts me now that I remember them. I have lost. I am alone now. I am all alone. 

This time I see the door to the living room. I grab hold of the doorknob recklessly , and I step outside the door. I loudly slam the door close behind me. Bang! I keep on running as fast as I can, until I can no longer feel my legs. Memories from the past keep flashing on my mind like an old film. They are like a series of scenes from my fractured memories.

I see a man who is wearing a white shirt, pants and black rubber shoes. He is approaching my direction. He is 5’7 feet tall with light brown skin and neatly combed black hair. He has these small pairs of Chinese looking eyes and a tiny strip of hair below his lower lip.

‘They decide to close the shop.’ he said as he put his hands inside the side pockets of his blue jeans. ‘I’ll start to look for a temporary job.’ he added.

I think I remember him, he is Charlie.

And then I saw another man sitting with his legs crossed in front of me. He wears a yellow sweat shirt and tattered jeans and a white baseball cap. ‘The financial assistance from the government is not enough,’ he said. ‘I will look for another job too.’ He has this mestizo features  with a beard and mustache growing on his face. And I think I remember him too, he is Kevin.

I now remember I worked with them as a barista in a coffee shop. And they are my friends. Charlie, the eldest among three siblings. His mom stays at home taking care of his dad who undergoes kidney dialysis. He is a man of responsibilities. But mind you the man has a good sense of humor.

And Kevin, on the opposite side, does not carry much weight on his shoulders with him being the youngest and her sister working abroad. 

Kevin he is like you only live once type of a guy. And you can just imagine, with beautiful girls, different girls. Oh man, f**k you Kevin.

I continued to run going back to where it all started. Faces of people continue to resurface in my mind. And there I see my mother, a short woman 5’feet tall with shoulder length black hair, ‘Eric, where are you going?’ she asks while she waters the plants in our front yard.

My mother’s name is Erica. She raised me and my sister Emily all by herself. My father died of colon cancer when Emily was just two year old. And life is not very easy for us. We are not rich. When my father died I learned to work hard for things I wanted, for there are things that are not freely placed on top of our table.

My father used to work as a pianist at the hotels. And he is the one who taught me to play the piano. The piano is my own kind of escape and the only calm I have ever known.

It is now clear to me. I live with my mother and Emily in a two storey house. I work at the coffee shop with Charlie, Kevin, Aries, Christian, Robert and Jane. I am also good at playing the piano.  What else do I remember about myself?  I love to ride a bike and motorcycle. And I love beer and Netflix series too.

I remember I used to watch documentaries about the stars and the galaxy. I always question, what if Earth is not the only inhabited planet among millions and billions of planets in the universe? I always have this thought I keep to myself,  what if we are not alone?

There were people in my life before. And I have my own thoughts too about stars, about the wars in history, about the bible and my faith. And there are also things I enjoy doing by myself, like riding a motorcycle on a Sunday morning going as far as I could, and for a moment forget everything. 

I kept on running back to the same spot where I was hit by a car. I know I have to go there. What if fate can change? Impossible. What if I can avoid the accident?   Yes, a hundred percent impossible.

But what if I am still alive today?  I need a miracle. If only I could go back in time and change everything that happened. Time travel is impossible, yet it’s what I exactly needed now.

Oh God, can I ask You for something that is not possible? Oh Lord, I am begging You for a miracle.

I see white rectangular shapes slowly appearing on the street.  And not too long appeared another group of rectangular shapes, only this time they are smaller and black in color. And together the white and black rectangular shapes dance and form a piano. 

What is this? 

And suddenly I heard music from a piano. I conceive two hands playing a piano and creating melodies. The combination of a low and high melodramatic sound. I listened to the piano cover of a song, Go the Distance. I closed my eyes and imagined myself playing the piano inside the coffee shop where I used to work.  

I see a black piano which leans against the wall near the glass door. And above the piano there is a wall clock. And as the clock ticks, it shows 5:00 PM. The music stops at exactly 5:00 PM.

Out of nowhere a strong wind blows which force me to shut my eyes close. Slowly I opened my eyes and in front of me I see the pedestrian line. And from where I stand I see a girl who wears a short yellow dress. ‘Irina!’ I call out her name. Just when I turned around and there again I was hit by a car.

The last thing I saw is the yellow light and not so far is the girl wearing a yellow dress. Her name is Irina.

I close my eyes again. And as soon as I open my eyes, I see her lay next to me. Again I am awake in her dreams, or rather she sleeps in my dreams.  

Why Am I here? 

I now understand everything. I think I already figure out just how things happened. And it made sense to me now. I died and now I am here with her.

I watched her sleep with tears filling my eyes. Why you of all the people? And why now that I am dead?  I draw closer to her and whisper to her ears; ‘Please don’t look for me.’