I Was Here

I Am Eric Marcus

I Am Eric Marcus

 ‘What is your name?’

The dream ends.Whenever my dream about him ends, I feel a little sting of pain in my chest.  I can only wonder why? I can tolerate the pain and it’s no big deal. However there is an emptiness that I can’t describe and it lingers within me. And no matter how much I try to ignore it, I can never win. This kind of loneliness follows me and makes me reach out my hand to something that is not there.

The alarm on my mobile phone went on. I quickly search for my mobile phone under my pillow. The persistent high pitch sound of the alarm truly annoys me in the morning. I found my mobile phone under my pillow, and quickly dismissed the alarm. It says 6:30 AM.  I don’t want to wake up, not just yet. I have this huge desire to lie down still on this soft bed. But sadly I have to leave the bed alone. It’s 6:30 AM and my responsibility as an employee and single mother will nearly start.

I looked at the white ceiling of the bedroom and reminisced how my dream ended with his manly voice saying; ‘What is your name?’ While I look at the empty ceiling I softly utter; ‘My name is Irina.’

I looked outside the open window of the bedroom. And from here I see the clear sky. It is like there’s a very huge light which hides behind the endless sky. I also see the upper part of those green trees. They stood higher than the roof of the houses. They are so green that my eyes start to fall in love with them. 

And the more I look at those greener leaves from the trees, I can imagine a forest somewhere. I close my eyes and imagine myself going deep into the woods. All I see are taller trees and green leaves. And then I walk on a ground partly covered with green grass. It is what I always dream of,  walking alone into the woods away from the city. An escape from the responsibilities placed on top of my shoulders. A moment when I don’t have to think about the time or anything. And then after I recharge in the woods I’ll come back to the real occurrence of my world. I will always find myself beside Mallory. Mallory, she is the greatest love in my life. 

‘Hey Mallory, time to wake up.’

‘But I still want to sleep.’

‘You have online school for today, and Mama will have to work.’

‘But I don’t like online school,’ she said. ‘It’s boring.’

‘I know, but you have to.’

‘Fine,’ she said. ‘I’ll play games on my cell phone while at the Zoom meeting.’

‘Mallory,’ I said. ‘No cellphones during classes.’

‘How about I saw you one time watching Netflix while you work on your computer?’

‘Little girl,’ I said, ‘Watching movies is part of my job.’

‘Why can I not just tell teacher the internet connection is not working?’

‘Look, Mama does not her job either, it’s boring.’ I said touching her face. ‘But I have too because we need money.’ I added. ‘But even though it’s boring I’ll do it anyway.’

‘Okay fine,’ she said. ‘Even though online school is boring I’ll do it anyway.’

I must admit she is right, online school is truly boring. This pandemic has taken so much away from her childhood. Instead of her learning and playing with the other children at school, she attends online classes. She cannot go outside to meet with her playmates. And I can only imagine how she misses going to the playground and mall so bad. 

She frowned and turned away from me. She put her arms around Bear-Bear pressing it tightly. I hold my phone and show it to her. ‘It’s already seven o’clock. time to wake up.’ I said. ‘Ma, it did not say seven o’clock.’ she answered. ‘It’s six hundred and fifty eight, it’s not yet seven o’clock.’

‘Mallory,’

‘Mama!’

‘Ma, look!’ Mallory called as she stood beside the window of the living room. ‘it is dirty outside.’

Chi Chan also climbed and stood besides Mallory to peek outside the window. I draw closer and stand beside the window with them. The grass which covers the ground of the front yard is now filled with ashes. Even the tree in the front yard is now dark gray in color because of the ashes. And the seat in Mallory’s swing is overflowing with ashes too. Not only that, the street is also covered with dark ashes.

‘Ash fall,’

‘What is that Mama?’

‘It came from eruption of Taal Volcano.’

‘Where is Taal Volcano, Mama?’

‘It is located in Taal Lake.’ I said. ‘There is an island within a lake on an island within a lake on again an island.’ I added. ‘You have seen Taal Volcano when you were younger.’

‘How does it looks like?’

‘It is beautiful.’

‘But he ashes and the eruption,’ she said as she gives me a tight hug. ‘I’m scared Mama,’

‘Don’t be,’ I said. ‘Mama is here, you are safe.’

We both went to the kitchen. She sits at the dining table and watches as I make her favorite pancake with cheese. In a bowl I mix the pancake powder, an egg, a spoon of condensed milk and small cubes of cheese. I turn on the stove and heat the pan. ‘Add more cheese mama,’ she said as she gently tapped her fork on her plate. I place a piece of butter on the heated pan and pour on the mixture. I made sure that the fire was very low just enough to form the pancake. And when it formed well I flipped to have the other side cooked.   

I served the pancake on a plate and placed it on the table. Then I took a tetra pack of Dutch Mill from the refrigerator. And I also provide Mallory with a glass of water. As soon as she starts to munch on her breakfast, I prepare myself a cup of coffee, scrambled egg with tomatoes and some wheat breads. And when my food is ready I joined her for breakfast.

She must be ready before 7:30 AM. And so I help her take her clothes off and lead her to the shower.

‘Here’s your soap and shampoo.’ I said, ‘And please don't use too much shampoo.’

‘Will you not help me take a bath?’

‘You’re 5yr old, already a big girl.’

‘Okay , not too much shampoo.’

‘Yes,’ I said. ’I’ll go wash the dishes while you take a bath.’

‘But Ma, what if I drop the soap in the toilet.’

‘You don’t drop it!’ I shouted from the sink. ‘Be careful with the soap and turn off the shower after you use it!’

‘It is raining Mama!’

‘Be careful the floor is wet you might slip!’

As soon as I am done with the dishes, I come and get Mallory out of the bath room. I dry her hair and body with a clean white towel. Drops of water from her hair fall on her back. I gently wipe the towel to dry her back. And then I help her get dressed. I rub some Johnson’s baby powder at her back. I pulled a white shirt on her head. Mallory wears white shirt, blue shorts and pink rubber shoes. I comb her black straight hair and neatly pull it on a ponytail. ‘Mama it’s ouch,’ she said. ‘Stop combing my hair.’

I turn to face her and gently pinch her chubby cheeks. For a child she has these pairs of perfectly shaped eyebrows and a small nose and mouth. ‘Look you’re pretty.’ I said. ‘My little Mallory is ready for her online school.’ I added. ‘Mama after online school, I will play with Jane in her bedroom.’ she said. ‘Aunt Grace will cook lunch for us, and Georgina will help her in the kitchen because she’s grown up.’ she added as she put some of her small toys inside her pink unicorn backpack. ‘When I grow old I will also help you in the kitchen.’ she said. ‘But I am not old so I’ll just play and eat.’

‘You play, eat and study,’ I said. ‘And you won’t be absent from your online school.’

‘Mama, your job is to cook, clean the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry and work for money,’ she said. ‘While my job is to play, eat, sleep, and watch Netflix and YouTube.’

‘And you have to learn to write and read.’

‘I don’t want to grow old Mama,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to get tired.’

‘You’re only 5 year old,’ I said. ‘Don’t think about it just yet.’

‘And Mama, I don’t want to have a child.’

‘Why?’

‘I think giving birth is ouchy.’

‘Forget about it,’ I said. ‘You have many many years ahead of you.’

Aunt Grace appears at our door at exactly 7:30 AM. She wears a blue headband on her short and wavy hair.  She stands at the door with her daughter Jane who is 9 year old. Aunt Grace is  probably 5 feet tall. I easily observe how big her breasts and stomach are in her pink shirt. I can tell at her 40’s she grows slightly overweight.

She held Jane by her hand and said, ‘Hello Mallory, good morning.’ She slowly walks Jane and Mallory to the car park outside the house. ‘The curfew starts at 8:00 PM,’ she said and turned to me, ‘I’ll make sure to bring her back home to you before 7:00 PM.’

‘Thanks Aunt Grace.’ I said and kissed Mallory on the cheeks. ‘Okay baby I’ll see you later tonight.’ I watched them as they drove away. Aunt Grace is a big help since I am a working mom and also a solo parent. I never knew what I would do without her taking care of Mallory. 

8:00 Am, my laptop is ready and beside it is placed a tablet I use to watch random videos from YouTube and Netflix.  I am composing an email for a client and then a message appeared on my chat box, I opened it and replied;

Catherine: Hey girl, it’s crazy we just had an earthquake.

Irina: Oh be careful, especially since you live near Tagaytay.

Catherine: Taal volcano please calm down.

Irina: Let’s check google, oh it says here alert level number one.

Catherine: Hopefully it won't erupt and  no ash will fall again please.

Irina: Yes please no ash falls, it’s very hard to clean the roof.

Catherine: You’re right, cleaning the roof is one of the hardest parts of ash fall.

Irina: But seriously, keep safe, you and your family.

Catherine: Stay safe too, to you and Mallory.

I drink from a cup of coffee placed near my laptop. The coffee has already turned cold. And when all I can taste is sugar, I immediately put down the cup.

I am writing an article about indoor exercises requested by a client. Indoor exercises are perfect during this pandemic, since people are not allowed to go outside. And because of ECQ (Enhance Community Quarantine) gyms are not allowed to operate and outdoor sports are prohibited.  

I opened google and searched for examples of indoor exercises people can easily do at home. I composed two sentences and deleted them. I read a list of benefits of exercises both to physical and mental health. And then I composed my first paragraph.

You can only imagine the negative impact of lockdown to people. Never did anyone expect there would come a day when cinemas and social gatherings would not be permitted. And people being locked down in their homes can possibly have a mental effect one way or another. 

I continued tapping my fingers on the laptop keyboard as I worked for the introduction of my article: “As Covid 19 count cases continue to increase, ECQ (Enhanced Community Quarantine) is being implemented in the cities and provinces with the most number of positive cases. During the lockdown period people experience isolation, loss of jobs and some are losing family members because of Covid 19…’’

After I re-read the first part of the paragraph I composed, I received a video call from my Microsoft teams. I clicked the join video call I received from co-worker and friend, Abbie. And it’s kind of funny how her face occupied her camera. She has a pair of chinita eyes, round face and medium brown skin tone.

‘How many articles will you submit today?’

‘Maybe four to five.’ I said. ‘I am currently working on my first article though,’

‘What’s that about?’

‘Indoor exercises,’ I said. ‘How about you?’

‘I am now working on my third piece,’ she said. ‘The Modern Day Heroes - Front-liners.’

‘How come you work so fast?’

‘Oh, it’s basic.’ she said. ‘You know Irina it’s not easy.’

‘You look fine doing our job, you even work so fast.’

‘It’s not about the job.’ she said. ‘It’s my husband.’

‘Why?’

‘I do my job while I assist my children with their online classes.’ she said. ‘Plus I am doing more of the house chores, and I receive very little help from my husband.’

‘You should talk to him about it.’ I said. ‘Tell him you need his help.’

‘I guess I am also tired of talking to him and making him understand.’

‘Honestly you should talk to him,’ I said. ‘That’s the only way he’ll understand.’

‘I don’t know,’

I look at the clock at the lower right side of my laptop. An hour have already passed. I stretched my arms upward and widely opened my mouth to inhale deeply with tiredness.

‘Hey Irina, how many word count per article do you make?’

‘It depends, minimum of 5,000 words.’

‘You are kidding.’

‘Hey Abbie, maybe we should talk later.’ I said. ‘I’ll just quickly grab some food from the fridge.’

‘Sure, and I will run the washing machine with my laundry.’

‘Okay see you.’

I quickly made it to the kitchen and took out some lasagna, a leftover food we had last night. I opened the oven and heated a saucer plate of lasagna. I stare as the oven runs and heats the food. I observed the yellow orange light inside the oven which looks like fire. And it reminded me of the Taal Volcano.