I Was Here

The Wake

The Wake

11 PM, Mallory is already sleeping beside me on the bed. With a very pale light I look at her face, she looks so placid with her eyes closed. And she breathed with her mouth slightly opened. Her left hand is placed near her chin and her other hand is on top of a pillow.

I stood up and turned off the moon light on top of the table near the bed. And then I lay again on the bed and I looked at the ceiling, even though the room was already dark and I couldn’t see anything, not even shadows. I let out a heavy sigh.

Am I dreaming or just imagining things? Did I really travel through time? I thought it was impossible, and it only happens in movies and books.

Movies and books, huh? 

I instantly jumped out of the bed and rushed to the living room. I turned on the lights and began to scroll the bookshelf near the window. I found it, I said and pulled out a book. 

I hold a book, The Time Traveler’s Wife. The cover of the book shows a girl wearing black knee length dress and black school shoes with long white socks.  And beside the girl is what looks like a red picnic cloth, with neatly folded man’s clothes and shoes on top of it.

I paused for a while and stared at the cover of the book. Henry uncontrollably travels back and forth through time. He cannot choose the time and place he would like to travel to. Will I even know if I travel to the past or the future?

I wonder why when I accidentally traveled through time and found him, he did not see me. Did I just travel to his past or to his future? I remember when I time traveled there was no pandemic. And so did it happen before or after the pandemic?

2:00 AM, I went back to bed and placed the book near me. I feel tired but I cannot sleep at all. What if I try to go back to the coffee shop at the same hour? Maybe I can leap again through time and see him. Another hour passed and I am still awake. I can’t help but think, what if I can travel through time again?

I pulled out my mobile phone and opened f*******: messenger and browsed to my chat list. I see a list of names and small round photos of those friends I recently chatted with. And I clicked on the small middle icon at the bottom which says, People. I see seven friends who are active at this hour. I saw Catherine and tapped on her name. I start to compose a message to her about my time travel. Should I tell her? She might think I’m crazy.   I quickly deleted my text and decided not to send her a message.

Well to be bloody honest, I think no one would truly believe me. First, a ghost in the house. Second, I dream about a boy and I fall in love with him. And now what? I time travel enticingly inexplicably to see the boy.

Who among my friends would buy that story?

Everybody will think I am making things up. And they may end up thinking I am strangely or maybe beautifully lunatic.

Me and Eric, what we have, what we never have. It is like a love story that is not a love story, but almost a love story. I don’t even know how to say it. It makes me feel like I have someone who makes me feel special, only he isn’t here and he isn’t real. What we have, if we have something, is something I cannot touch neither can I tell anybody. Only it lingers wherever I am. I don't see it, but I know I felt it somewhere somehow.  

I reached out my hand to the dark and reached out to nothing. I am holding on to nothing.

If only my prayers will be answered. 

Eric, if ever you are real and you are mine, I will lay with you on a bed placed in a small balcony. We will stare at the sky and the stars.  And there are tiny light bulbs above us, and they should be yellow. And some soft pillows too. I will lay next to you and my skin will touch yours. You will put your arms around me and make my head rest on your chest as you sleep. I will sleep beside you, only if I can, only if. 

I fell asleep in the real world, and began to be awake in another time dimension through a dream. I once again fly separating from my body. I continue to float as I watch myself sleep with Mallory. I flew and made it out of the window.

I see Chi Chan sleeping comfortably beneath the tree in the front yard.

I fly higher into the dark sky. It is so dark that I can no longer see things. All I know is that I am alone. Maybe I should go back to my body? How can I go back to my body? I don’t even know how I get detached from my body in the first place. The thought of being alone in complete darkness scares me. Maybe if I focus I can go back to my body. I close my eyes and count one to ten. One, two, three, four, five... eight, nine and ten.

I opened my eyes and I found myself in front of a house which I think I have not seen before. It is a two storey house. There is a single room on the second floor of the house, which appears to me like a bedroom. The roof of the house is painted dark red, while all the walls are tidily painted white.  At the first floor of the house there is a sliding window near the light brown wooden door. The wooden door is wide open. I saw a bright light coming from inside of the house.

The first time I traveled time, Eric and that little girl with the red balloon they did not see me. I think whenever I travel time, I am invisible to anyone since I am not a part of that timeline. Well, that makes perfect sense. I love the thought if being invisible, I think it’s awesome. And most likely this time no one will notice me too.

You can do it Irina, I said to myself.

I exhaled deeply and walked into the front yard of the house. I see a man more than 5 feet tall. He has brown skin tone and neatly combed black hair. He has this sad expression on his eyes below those thick eyebrows. He sniffs through his flat nose as he begins to sob. He wears a white shirt and blue pants. He holds a cup of coffee while he talks to the man next to him.  

And the other man is taller with very fair skin. He wears a white baseball cap and a black shirt. He continued to run his hands through his beard as he looked on the ground with his teary eyes.  

I think I remember now. I see them with Eric the first time I time traveled on the old styled coffee shop. I think they were his friends.

 I wonder why they look so sad.

I move near the door and I see two elderly women who wear face masks and they are talking to another woman in her 50’s. ‘Why does he have to leave us?’ she said as placing her left hand to cover her forehead. She wears a white dress and blue slippers. Her lips looks so pale and dry. She has a small nose which turned red. And her hair looks messy. ‘His father already left us and now he did,’ she cried to the other two elderly women, who draw closer to her and comfort her.

What is this? 

At the very moment my heart is beating heavily. I feel very uneasy. I honestly cannot tell if it’s some kind of strong instinct or a panic attack. I think something, something I cannot presume will happen. I just cannot tell whether it is good or bad.

What is happening?