The Fallen Artist (R-18)

Chapter 02

We started hanging out more often since the day we became friends. He’s always waiting for me outside our building so that we can do our home works together on the library. And since I am not good in science, he’s always helping me cope up with our subject, and so, he makes it easier for me.

Natuto na akong magsinungaling kay Papa. Palagi kong sinasabing may mga ginagawa pa kami kaya kahit na 4:00 p.m. lang ang uwian namin, sinasabi kong 5:00 p.m. Ayoko kasi ng nagpapaliwanag sa kanila. Lalo na at hindi ako magaling sa ganoong bagay.

We became good friends. I am always happy whenever I am with him. I am so contented that, even though nobody wants to be friends with me because they said that I am “maarte” and “pasikat” just because I am friends with our USC President. It feels like having him beside me makes me feel comfortable and contented enough.

Not that I don’t have friends, really. I actually have some classmates who teaches me whenever I need to learn about something and sometimes staying with me whenever I am alone, but I don’t belong to their circle of friends because I don’t feel that I fit in them.

After a year of being friends with Dave, I thought he would leave me because of something that he told me.

“Emma . . .” he said while his head is resting on a book.

He’s the only one who calls me that. I never allowed him, or anyone, but since I am tired of telling him not to call me that, I gave up. And now, my name for him is Emma.

“Oh?” I answered. Nag-aaral kaming dalawa ngayon sa library, since malapit na ang third quarterly exam.

“I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.”

Napatingin ako sa kanya at kitang-kita ko na sincere siya noong sinasabi niya ‘yon. He’s directly looking at me in the eyes when he said that and it hurts me so much. I’m so dependent on him that, him—leaving me—will hurt me so much.

“B-Bakit?” I said while the tears are trying to escape from my eyes but I didn’t allow it to.

Umayos siya ng upo at iniharap ako sa kanya. “I don’t want to be just friends with you anymore.”

I didn’t look at him because I can’t. I can’t look at him while he’s saying goodbye to me.

“Look at me,” he said, but I didn’t. “Why won’t you cooperate when I’m confessing my feelings for you?”

And with those words, I automatically looked at him, and saw that he’s pouting like a kid.

“W-What?”

He smiled. “I’m tired of being just friends with you, Emma. I’m tired of stopping my feelings for you when in the first place, I really do like you even before we became friends.”

My heart beats faster with the words he’s saying. I . . . I thought he’s going to leave me.

“I know that . . . trying to court you will also give me a chance to lose you, because I don’t really know if you like me as a man or you just like me as a friend, but . . . I’m still going to try.”

“T-Teka lang . . .” I said, and heaved a few deep sigh.

He smiled at me. “Will you let me court you?”

“I’m just a third-year high school, Dave. I don’t think, handa na ako d’yan,” paliwanag ko.

“I’m not going to rush you. Just . . . say yes when you like me too, and when you’re finally ready.”

Napalunok ako. “P-Paano? I don’t know how I’m going to find out when is the time that I am ready. ‘W-Wag na lang kaya?” I nervously said.

He chuckled. “You’ll know it when you already feel what I am feeling right now. You’ll know it without realizing that you have already fallen in love with someone. This—” he pointed my temple, referring to my brain, “—and this—” also pointed at my left chest, where my heart is located, “—will unite. The decision of your brain and your heart will be one.”

And right after he said that, my heart tripled its beat, like I ran because someone is chasing me.

I don’t know when it started but I felt what he said just after few moments with him. And I said yes to him on my graduation day. He waited for my answer for more than a year, and I think, that’s enough. I’m so happy that I can see how sincere he was when I told him that I am ready.

On that day too, I introduced him to my parents as my boyfriend, and they were fine with him since he’s visiting me at home when he was courting me. He even introduced himself to my parents, which really impressed me because I, myself, was so scared to even admit to them that I have a suitor.

And that is when my feelings for him started growing a lot more. Wala na akong balak umahon pa sa mga nararamdaman ko para sa kan’ya.

***

Nasa café kami ngayon ni Dave, gumagawa siya ng paperworks niya, habang ako ay nakatulala sa kawalan, at hinihigop ang Strawberry Smoothie ko. Iniisip ko pa rin kung paano ako makakapag-enroll sa isang acting workshops nang sa gayon ay mahasa ko ang acting skills ko.

“What are you thinking, love?”

Nagbuntonghininga ako. “Where can I find a part-time job?” I looked at him and his forehead are now creased.

“You’re still studying. Do you need money? Just ask me, I can give you.”

Umiling ako. “No way, hindi ko tatanggapin ‘yan. I want to work for it on my own.”

Ngumuso siya. “Para saan ba?”

“I want to enroll on an acting workshop.”

“How much does it cost?”

I shrugged. “‘Di ko pa sure. I’ll try the one that this director told me when I last auditioned.”

Tumango-tango siya. “Okay, tulungan kitang makahanap ng part time job, but, don’t overwork yourself, ha? At saka paalam ka rin sa parents mo.”

I rolled my eyes. “As if they will approve.”

He sighed as he held my hand. “Just try. At least, ‘di ka umaasa sa kanila sa pagkamit ng pangarap mo, ‘di ba?”

Sumubsob ako sa table at nagbuga ng malalim na buntonghininga. “I should’ve enrolled to Filming, not BS Biology.”

“Your Papa won’t allow you, though.”

I sighed once again. “Yeah. As if I want to be a doctor. Bakit ba kailangang ako ang tumupad sa pangarap ni Mama?”

After we ate at the café, inihatid na niya ako sa bahay. Sa ngayon ay hindi ko pa ipinapahalata sa family ko na hindi pa rin ako tumitigil sa pagtupad ng pangarap kong maging artista. Siguro, pahuhupain ko na muna ang galit nila. Sa ngayon, kailangan ko na munang mag-ingat sa mga kilos ko.

***

After few weeks, I already found a job that will fit with my schedule. Isa rin siyang coffee shop pero ang schedule ng pagpasok ko ay depende sa schedule ng school ko. Maayos rin ang pasweldo dahil per hour siya at hindi minimum rate. Since some of my subjects are morning classes only, I can use my time in the afternoon to fulfill my duty in my part-time job.

After two weeks of working in a coffee shop, napansin na rin nila Mama na late na ako umuuwi. Pagpasok ko sa bahay ay pinagalitan na kaagad ako.

“Bakit ginagabi ka na naman ng uwi? Hindi naman ganito ang oras ng uwi mo dati, ah? Kung saan-saan ka na naman nagpupunta!”

I sighed. “Ma, nagpa-part time job ako,” I said, exhausted, as I sat on a couch.

“Sino naman nagsabi sa ‘yo na magtrabaho ka? Bakit? Hindi ba namin natutugunan ng Papa mo ang mga kailangan mo sa pag-aaral?”

“Ma, hindi ganoon ‘yon . . .”

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan. Ako na nga ang gumagawa ng paraan para matupad ang pangarap ko nang hindi sa kanila umaasa pero issue pa rin ‘yon sa kanila?

Si Papa na nga ang nagsabi na hangga’t hindi ako kumikita ng sarili kong pera, siya pa rin ang magdedesisyon para sa akin. Kaya nga ginagawa koi tong pagpa-part time job.

“Para ano? Para may pang-audition ka?!” I didn’t answer because I know that I was caught red handed. “Sinasabi ko na nga ba, eh! Tigilan mo ‘yan habang hindi pa mainit ang ulo ko sa ‘yo dahil kapag ako talagang ginalit mo na, hinding-hindi ka na makakalabas ng pamamahay na ito!”

Napabuntonghininga ako. “Mama naman, pangarap ko ‘to. Dito ako magiging masaya,” mahinang sabi ko habang nakayuko.

Ilang sandali pa ay lumabas si Papa sa kwarto nila at nagpunta sa amin. Nakita ko naman sa hagdanan si Kristelle na bumababa na rin at nakatingin siya sa akin na parang nalulungkot.

“Itigil mo na ‘yan.”

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kan’ya. “Papa naman . . .”

“Mag-aral kang mabuti at maging isang doctor, o kahit na ano kung ayaw mo ng kurso mo basta mag-aral kang mabuti, huwag ka lang mag-aartista. Wala kang mararating d’yan, Kristen! Para kang nagbebenta ng katawan para pagpyestahan ng masa!”

“Hindi niyo naman po kasi nakikita ang mga nakikita ko, kaya gustong-gusto kong maging artista, eh!” nangingilid ang mga luhang sabi ko.

“Ang tanda mo na, naniniwala ka pa sa mga napapanood mo? Sa tingin mo ba, totoo ‘yung mga ipinapakita sa ‘yo ng mga artista sa TV?” seryosong sabi ni Papa. “Mag-isip ka! Kaya nga sila artista, eh. Ibig sabihin, magaling silang umarte at magsinungaling! Magaling silang magpaikot ng tao na nahuhumaling sa kanila, at is aka sa mga napapaikot nila!”

“Papa, no. I really want to become an actress.” My tears started to fall down.

“No, you won’t. You need to study hard. Kapag may napatunayan ka na sa amin, saka mo na lang gawin ang mga gusto mo. Sa ngayon, mag-aral ka na muna.”

“Papa, ako na lang po ang mag-aaral ng mabuti.”

Napalingon kaming tatlo nina Mama at Papa kay Kristelle, na ngayon ay nakaupo sa dulong step ng hagdanan.

“Gusto po talaga ni ate maging artista, hayaan niyo na po siya. Ako na lang po ang mag-aaral ng mabuti para kay ate.”

Sunod-sunod na tumulo ang mga luha ko sa sinabi ng sampung-taong gulang kong kapatid, na para bang sobrang dali lang ng sinasabi niya . . . na para bang pwedeng ibigay ni Papa ‘yong hinihiling ko kapalit ng pag-aaral niya nang mabuti. She’s so little but she wants to sacrifice something just for my dreams to become true.

“Baby, you need to study hard, too. But let us, adults, talk here, okay? Go to your room muna,” Mama told her.

Tumango naman ito at umakyat na ulit. Muli silang bumaling sa akin at nakita ko na ang walang ekspresiyong mukha ng Papa ko na pinakakinatatakutan ko sa lahat.

“Malaman ko lang na gumagawa ka ng bagay na hindi namin gusto, itatapon ko sa labas lahat ng gamit mo.”

Sunod-sunod akong umiling kasabay ng pag-agos ng mga luha ko. “Papa, don’t do this to me.” I cried.

“Kristen, malaman ko lang na nag-audition ka na naman, hinding-hindi ka na makakauwi sa pamamahay ko.”

Muli niya akong nilayasan pagkatapos sabihin iyon. Wala na akong ibang nagawa kundi umiyak nang umiyak dahil nahihirapan na ako sa sitwasyon ko.

Gusto kong maging artista. Gusto kong matupad ang mga pangarap ko. Pero paano ko naman tutuparin iyon kung kailangan kong isakripisyo ang pamilya ko?