A Borderline Life.

Why?

The moment that I had found out that Sam was hit by a drunk driver and sadly lost her life, I lost my mind. I broke down and I didn't know what to do anymore with my life. I lost the only person who really cared about me and who was there for me through thick and thin my entire life. I just can't find a reason to go on anymore.

Not only is my mother gone, disowned me and left. But now my best friend- my sister, my rock- is dead.

When I hung up the phone, the screaming began.

William had to drive me to the hospital to get a shot to calm me down. I don't know how to possibly handle this, I've never had someone as close to me as Sam, pass away. I'm broken.

The last couple of days have been a blur.

Helping Sam's mom and dad plan a funeral, dealing with missing my mom, and already just overall utterly heart-broken.

My mind keeps jumping to 'Why?' I don't understand why all of this had to happen. To Sam, to me, to her family. This isn't fair.

'Maybe I'm better off with Sam.' I keep saying to myself. I keep making a plan to end everything but I just can't bring myself to do it because there's a voice inside me who just wants to be happy and doesn't want to give up.

I didn't have that a couple weeks ago.

I've always thought about this. That maybe I would be better off... just.. dead.

But.. Then I met William.

When I met him, something changed in me. I feel like there is possibly hope?Maybe. And I don't want to give up. But that's only a very small part of me. But the bigger part of me wants to give up completely and end it.

I'm scared that part will win.

William has been at my house almost everyday for the last week. He's been checking on me daily and making sure I'm okay.

I don't know why. He should just give up. I'm not worth his time. My own mother couldn't even stick around for me. Why should he?

I'm hopeless.

BUZZ!!

I picked up my phone and looked at the text message. It was William, he was asking how I was doing and if I was having a good day. He also asked if I would be able to hang out later on tonight.

'Why does he want to hang out with me? I don't understand that. I am so miserable and down. I don't understand why he would want to be around that.'

"Are you sure? I'm not exactly entertaining right now. I don't want to depress you."

BUZZ!!

"Are you serious? You just lost your best friend. You need someone right now and I'm going to be that person for you. even if you push me away. I will be here."

'That's what everyone says' I thought to myself. 'I'm not good enough for him.'

My self-esteem issues have eternally caused a problem in my life. I just can't seem to have confidence in anything anymore without Sam. She used to pump me up and make me feel proud and confident, even the smallest bit. She even made me feel beautiful and talented. I don't have that anymore.

Nor do I have my mother anymore to tell me that "You can do anything, babe! You got this." Like any mother would tell their children they loved dearly.

They wouldn't sleep with their daughters ex boyfriend.

GROSS!!!

I took a shot. I texted back. I held my breath.

"Sure. Wanna come over tonight?"

I couldn't bring myself to go out in public. I just feel awful and I will feel like I look like a homeless person right now. I genuinely just want to stay in.

'Oh god, I hope he doesn't think this is like Netflix and chill!! I don't even know how I feel!!!' I over thought.

BUZZ!!

"I'll be there at 9, is that alright?"

'Too late to cancel now. Shit.'

"Yeah, see you then"

God, I have to have a shower.

9:00 p.m. rolls around and I hear a knock at the door. Of course, it is William.

I suddenly get extremely nervous and really don't want to invite him in. I have never had somebody in my house before, let alone a boy. My siblings would flip s**t. I had to move back in with my family after Sam passed away. It's been nothing but hell. But thank god, they're all out tonight. Either at their boyfriend's houses or at work. Either way, they are not my problem tonight.

Thank god.

I would feel too terrible to not let William in after everything that he has done for me over these last few weeks. I'm just so scared to be judged because I'm not used to having people in my house and around my stuff. This is going to be an interesting night.

"Hey, come on in William. How are you?" I said nervously.

Don't blame me for being so cautious. Look at what I've been through!!

"Hey Darlyn. I'm great. How are you doing today?"

He leaned in. I froze. He didn't care though and went in for the nicest hug I've ever felt in my entire life. A comfortable hug. Wow.

I hugged him back tightly. I don't know what came over me but I didn't want to let him go.

But alas I did.

I walked him into the house and showed him around. Bedroom, bathroom, kitchen the whole show. I didn't know what else to do or say to be completely honest.

"Okay, enough of around the house. I'm getting dizzy. Let's watch a movie!" he said excitedly, smiling.

"Sure, okay. I vote for comedy though."

2 movies later and much hand holding, I started to doze off. He just made me feel so safe and comfortable.

"Hey sleeping beauty, it's getting late. Did you want me to head home now?" he asked.

"To be totally honest with you, I'd rather you didn't." I said quietly. "Can you stay a bit longer? I don't really want to be alone right now."

"Anything for you Darlyn." He flashed a beautiful smile.

I never thought that I would be lucky enough to find somebody to make me feel as special as he makes me feel. It may be really fast but I feel like I'm falling for this man and we haven't even kissed yet.

He's going to break my heart someday though. No one would be stupid enough to love a girl like me. A broken and utterly useless person.

I guess we shall see..