A Borderline Life.

Something always goes wrong.

Every time William and I make plans I get really excited but REALLY nervous. I spend the whole day just waiting and pacing around my house. Thinking about how it will go and if anything will go wrong. I think I may have some social anxiety too, I hate it so much.

I hate getting nervous over just seeing people. It really sucks. It’s kind of like when you have butterflies in your stomach but these aren’t good butterflies. They’re butterflies that make you want to cancel everything, run into your room and hide under the blankets.

But unfortunately today I can’t pace around my house because my brother Jonathan is off work today. He’s really really brutal. He hates my guts. He would rather me dead and hates the fact that I still have to live here for now until I find a place. I’m currently locked in my room and trying to be quiet and invisible. That’s a pretty easy task for me because I do it so well.

I used to have my friends mothers and fathers tell me that they didn’t even realize that I was at their house because I was so quiet I seemed invisible apparently.

Jonathan apparently didn’t like the fact that I was at home today because he came barging to my room and slamming on the door telling me to “get out here”

I walked to the bedroom door and said “I’m not opening it. Leave me alone. I didn’t do anything wrong to you."

“Your existence is wrong.” Pft. He always says that.

“Please just leave me alone” I said quietly.

“You’re a waste of space. No wonder mom doesn’t want to be here anymore. Do everyone a favour and disappear.”

Ugh that one hurt A bit. I know that we are better off not even in each others lives but that doesn’t mean that she isn’t my mother and that doesn’t still hurt me.

“Leave me alone” I screamed.

He laughed. He knows it got to me.

“Go run to your little boyfriend. You waste of space.”

Like that’ll ever happen.

He walks away from the door and I hear his footsteps on the stairs.

I wish I could tell someone but I can’t. In my family you don’t tell on other family because if you do you get totally disowned by the entire family. It happened to my cousin.

This reminds me of my bruise and it starts throbbing thinking about it.

I feel like a damsel in distress but no one knows I’m IN distress.

I hate feeling helpless. It’s almost as bad as hopeless. I’m really good with knowing my emotions. Probably the only useful thing I know about. I’ve been in a lot of therapy. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, you name it.

Ugh I can’t wait for William. I hate overthinking literally everything and he really helps with that. He’s helping me in so many ways there’s just so many things I want to tell him but I can’t. Like about my brother or my mom. I have a hard time trusting people. I want to change that.

I really do.

The next day I decided I wanted to look pretty. That’s rare because all I normally wear is sweats and a band tee. But I bought a cute dress that I really loved. It was green with a sweetheart neckline and slightly puffy sleeves. It’s to die for.

Here I am getting ready, forgetting to lock the door because I thought no one was home until Johnathan came barging right in the room. He grabbed me so hard and threw me onto the ground.

“GOD. I hate you. I wish mom never left. I wish you left instead. Why should she have to leave because you’re f*****g pathetic and useless?”

That’s when he hit me. Hard. In the face.

The wind was knocked out of me and my eyes were watering. He hands down have me a black eye. I could feel it swelling already.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I cried.

“Because EVERYTHING is your fault.” He said quietly before he walked out the door.

It’s NEVER gotten this far and I don’t know what to do. It’s 4pm. I can’t be seen like this. I have to cancel with William. I have no choice. But I don’t want to lie to him. I can’t. It would hurt him too much if he found out. I feel terrible. But I don’t want to look weak.

“Hey I can’t go out tonight. Not feeling the greatest. Sorry” I texted William and pressed send.

I feel like s**t.

BUZZ!!

“Oh okay is everything okay? Are you sick? I’ll bring you soup?”

Yeah, I cant want to lie to him. I can’t do it. He’s too much of a gentleman and so sincere. I need to be honest. I’m tired of doing this alone.

“Something happened..”